Three Questions / support from friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
Three Questions / support from friend
1
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 8:26pm

I have a friend entering the seperation phase of her marriage.

Here's the backgroundL
She caught him talking on the phone a lot to another woman about 4 months ago.
SHe confronted him and he agreed to no longer talk to her and to go to marital counseling.

She then decided things were better and they didn't need therapy.

Fast foward 3 months, and he has now suddenly up & decided to wipe his hands clean of the family.
They've been married for 8 years. He decided he isn't happy and has since moved out (and in with mom) and he comes home when its necessary to watch his two daughters. He refuses to talk to her, and refuses to go to marital counseling.

My dear friend called me crying for advice. She keeps hoping things will work out because he hasn't dropped the "D" word yet, so she thinks theres still hope.

I don't know what to do. I recommeneded trying therapy like she wanted to several months back, and I referred her to a book on Love Languages, and that was alll I could do.

I told her to prepare for the worst, hope for the best.. when one door closes, another opens. I felt horrible giving her such cliche-ique advise, but I don't know what to do!

I told her to plan her financing accordingly and to take into consideration her future may not include him, to look at how much it may cost her to live with out him, and to discover what her financial needs will be. (Insurance, rent, car payments) But she insisted it wasn't worth her time because she'd take him back.

I questioned his desire to rid himself of his family so quickly and asked if he was still "talking" to the "other" person. And insisted he was doing this al on his own.

Yesterday She decided for her two daughter's best interest she would suck it up and go to her in-laws for thanksgiving. (Her mother has past away, not much other family) Her husband ignored her, sat in his car, hung out in a bedroom, etc. And she decided to look at his cell phone... Where she discovered a slew of text messages indicating a sexual relationship with "another woman". I told her to get copies of cell phone records from the company, IE calls and text messages.

So i told her if he didn't have the guts to say the word 'Divorce' That she needed to be strong for her girls and say it for him - to call an attorney.

I feel so sad for my friend. I wish I could hug her, and keep her company after work, but we live far away from eachother. I truly know the reality is she was clinging to a failing marriage for many years (Like 7 of the 8 years were pretty rough), and was in denial. but she doesn't need to hear that. And I wuld never mention that. But its hard not to let these facts influence my conversations with her. When she says, maybe one more time, I'll take him back. I want to put her in front of a TV playing home videos of them screaming and swearing at eachother for the last 7 years in front of their children and their friends.

So now my 3 questions in regards to supporting my friend:

What things did your friends do for you that you appreciated?
What things did your friends do that you will never forgive them for?
When did you finally realize that Divorce was the best option for the sake of your health (ie emotionally/physically) and your family. (ie arguing in front of kids constantly, demeaning to one another)

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 9:36pm

Hi there.... your friend is lucky to have you as an advocate..... but my most important advice is to help your friend be objective and smart, but let her make the decisions.


I would strongly suggest that she at the very least talk to an attorney just to get a general feel of what her rights and responsibilities will be if divorce happens.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~