Time to separate - how do I say the words?
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|Thu, 08-08-2013 - 4:22pm|
I have posted in these forums a couple of times before in the past about the problems my husband and I have been having over the past couple of years. First off was some financial infidelity when he ran up around $4,000 in credit card debt behind my back (after I had previously paid these cards off him). I considered divorce then but decided to stick with it. However ever since I have been battling with depression, a complete lack of interest in intimacy versus his extemely high drive, and the sinking feeling that this is just not right, and I think I have finally come to the conclusion that the time has come to separate.
I'm not angry with him, I don't hate him (I think things would be easier if I did!), I think I still love him in my own way. But we feel completely incompatible these days. I am ambitious (ambitions which have been massively curtailed since my move to the States for my marriage), but he makes no efforts to further his own career believing it should just come to him. He still deliberately keeps financial information from me; nothing huge, but just little things that are definitely information I should know. He constantly wants to be intimate and I am completely uninterested, resulting in both our self-esteems getting a kicking every time he initiates and I just "lie back and think of England", to use a local expression. I am outgoing and want to have an active social life; he would be quite happy having me as his only source of entertainment. When he drinks he gets extremely passive-aggressive and tells me all the little things I do wrong; then spends the rest of the time telling me how perfect I am.
We have spoken about the possibility of separation; specifically I said a couple of months ago that if things on the sexual side did not improve then I would leave, as my mental health couldn't take it any more. He seemed to understand the seriousness of it but has made no mention of it since and if anything seems to be in complete denial.
I just got back from a week's vacation in my homeland which was also an opportunity to have a serious heart-to-heart with my mum and best friend about what I was thinking. All week he was posting soppy messages and photos on Facebook about how much he missed me and couldn't wait to have me back, for all to see, which pretty much made me feel like the worst human being on earth. I am there figuring out how best to tell him I want to leave and he's there telling the world how much he loves me.
We have been to marriage counselling a couple of times in the past few years but it never gets far. He gets upset afterwards when I say things in counselling that I haven't told him in private, thereby missing half the point. I am in consistent therapy individually and have been for 18 months. I asked my husband to see someone for his drinking and self-esteem issues; he went once, then cancelled his follow-up and never went back.
The point I am getting to, very long-windedly, is that I feel I have finally come to the decision that I must do this to save myself and my mental health. Saying the words terrifies me, but staying is equally unthinkable.
And so I wanted to ask if anyone had any advice on how to broach this subject with someone that they still care about very much, but with whom it just isn't working out. The thought of breaking his heart and him crying gives me anxiety attacks, and yet I know I must do this soon because having the decision swirling around in my head is starting to make me physically ill. Any advice would be appreciated.