Time to vent (STBX) & Need Advice (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2005
Time to vent (STBX) & Need Advice (long)
2
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 10:25pm

Hi everyone.

I have been separated for 11 months and filed for divorce last year as well. We have shared 50/50 custody on a week on, week off basis, which was recently changed from 3/4 and 4/3 week. My kids hate this new arrangement and I accepted this on a temporary manner to avoid a full blown custody battle.

My kids (dds,ages 12 and 9) discovered 2 weeks ago their father is involved with a woman who is 21 years(he's 44 and she's 23) younger than she is and has 2 small children ages 4 and 9 months. She has been separated for about 5 weeks and it appears she and her kids are a regular fixture at their father's house. He sees nothing wrong with toting her baby around like it is and my kids taking a back seat to all of this. It has came down to him not feeding the girls supper on 2 occasions, does not look over their homework-my youngest gets d's and e's since he doesn't do it and they are living in absolute filth. He also today instead of spending time with his own daughters moved this woman to her new place and decided to dump my girls off unsupervised at a school volleyball game. THis is the 2nd time he did as he did it 2 weeks ago at a night football game when my youngest had no coat, hat or mittens and it was 40 degrees and had rained most of the day! My girls who are 12 and 9 are left to take care of this other woman's children at various events and while their father entertains her alone!

My youngest is devastated and my oldest has made it clear she wants to reside with me on a permanent basis and not have anything to do with her father and she is trying to convince my youngest she needs to do the same thing so they are both taken care of like they should be. I know I shouldn't be angey over this arrangement, we both need to move on, but I have been very cautious not to have my boyfriend here when they are as I feel this is disrespectful to them. Right now, my time with them is valuable and they need the stability they no longer have at their fathers. I have asked them what they would think about me having a boyfriend and they don't seem worried and they both said I won't do what their father has done. THe man I have been involved with has children as well and I have not met his either and when the time comes to introduce all of them I want it to be a neutral grounds, such as going for pizza, bowling or something of that nature.

My youngest has asked me twice within the last week to go and see their therapist they saw a few times over the summer and her sister has decided as well to do this or have them go see the school psychologist.

My heart is breaking for them over this, as I know how they feel being exposed to it when I was about 8 years old with an older stepbrother and stepsister that I felt took over my house. This was all short-lived as they soon went to live with their father soon after my dad and their mother wed.

I know the first thing I need to do Monday morning is call my attorney and tell him I deem this an being very serious and I am also debating contacting Children and Youth Services and have them check out his place and him in regards to allegations I will be making as far as neglect.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 10:40pm

Amy - I am so sorry. That is heartbreaking for your kids.


One thing i can say is that i would think leaving them unsupervised (although possibly its not a "big deal" for the 12 yr old, by the law) is illegal. If nothing else, its immoral. Poor kids!


Their fathers selfish immature behavior will come back to bite him you know where. Your kids are nearing an age where they will be able to CHOOSE if they want to see their father, I think.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:12pm

First... get your 12 year old a cell phone so that she can call you the second that dad leaves them unsupervised... anywhere!


Second.... do see if they can talk to the school counselor if your individual counselor isn't available.


Third, if they are telling you that he'd leaving them unsupervised, or to care for these younger children, YOU have a responsibility to call your attorney AND children's services to step in.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~