Tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
Tired
6
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 6:53pm

Here's the history. We've been married for 5 years and together 9 years. At first it was great. He was the man I thought I should marry. Said the right things, did the right things, led the kind of life I wanted to lead, etc. Fast forward 9 years and he's a couch potatoe. I'm a vibrant want to live life to the fullest woman and he's turned into a slug. Everything I do to get him off the couch is in vain. I have the greatest fear in the world of life passing me by and I know it's passing him! All he wants to do is sit on the couch. About a year ago, our finances (a shared burden but greatly brought on by his spending habits) took a major hit and I almost walked out. But because I was raised to love thru the good and the bad, I went to counseling alone. We had other problems with resentment in other areas of our life as well (every day chores, money, family, work, etc). I told him I wanted to go to counseling and he said he wouldn't. So I went. I spent 6 months in counseling and learned how to deal with our different personalities and even asked for a presciption for Wellbutrin. It helped at first. He even started to join me in some of my activities. But, now, all of my hard work is waining.

I can feel resentment from him starting to set in because I refuse to be a couch potatoe. I'm always going. My career demands a lot of me and everytime it requires me to be gone he gets insanely angry. A hobby that he encouraged me to pursue is now a source of arguements. He's no longer the man I wanted to marry.

I want a man who respects me and my career. Who can tolerate my family long enough for holidays (or at least keep it to himself). Going to my parents always ends up in a fight because he doesn't want to go and he doesn't want to stay long (when we go its only for a few hours). A man who can look at a problem and resolve it without throwing a hissy fit. Someone who would be involved in our children's lives (we are currently childless). A man who wants to live life not watch it go by.

There is a lot involved if I were to leave. We have a lot of assests together that would be fought over. And it would be hard financially at first. But is that any reason to stay if I can't fathom the thought of having children with him because he's not the father figure I wanted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: paige102006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 7:16pm

paige102006...

First...Pianoguy is very sad that you're "locked into an unhappy marriage!" The man you apparently had 'high hopes' for...didn't meet them? So you might as well completely dismiss any thoughts of children for now!

Your mission is to gracefully get out of your marriage.

Not being in the legal profession, I can only suggest that you seek out a trustworthy divorce attorney (and yes...there are STILL a few out there) and get the advice you need.

You didn't indicate how difficult your husband might make the divorce process for you? If the assets the 2 of you share are valuable, he could turn your life into a complete nightmare? But overall, it makes no sense to stay in any relationship that makes you totally miserable!

Just try to remember one thing....please?

There are flaws in all of us. So if flaws are what you're looking for in any man, they'll be extremely easy to find! And the same holds true for a husband, b/f, or s.o. when it comes to looking for all the flaws in a woman.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: paige102006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:13am

I agree with pianoguy.... you need to talk to an attorney to find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are if you do decide that divorce is the path for you... and knowing the facts, will help you to be able to make that decision with confidence... and it may be likely that you'll have to give up quite a bit, but it just might be worth it to have that fresh start to live YOUR life without the anchor!


We're here with ya!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: paige102006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:14am
It's obvious that we're polar opposites now. There are other issues as well I won't get into for fear of revealing my identity. Part of my problem is I fear for him. What would happen to him if I left? My counselor immediately noted that I was a self scarificer, which I admit I am. I'd rather make myself miserable than make someone else. It's a trait I know I need to work on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: paige102006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:42am

What would happen to HIM is secondary to.... what will happen to YOU if you don't do something to change your situation?


I know exactly where you're coming from, I, still, give way too much and sacrifice "me" in the process.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
In reply to: paige102006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 4:04pm
Karen,
Thank you. You're so right about him living and me dieing. I'm just not yet ready to be that selfish. I know one day soon I will be. Part of my issue is that he is really putting some effort into saving our marriage. But I think for me, it may be too late. Looking back I can see the warning signs, but I choose to ignore them. I will look into the author you suggested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: paige102006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 4:20pm

I've been in your shoes (well, truth is, I don't think we ever completely throw them {the shoes} away; they must be too comfy!).... but you will know when it's time to *do* something.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~