Tired of being crapped on...

Avatar for susieyippin
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Tired of being crapped on...
13
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 4:04pm

... by the males in my family.

STBX is useless.

My older son won't lift a finger for the most part.

Younger DS is acting out and physically destroying our home.

I'm at my wits end-- I'm having spasms in my back, chest, and sides. I have a stress related adrenal disorder that has caused severe health problems in the past and recently. My doctor has ordered me NOT to do any type of physical work/activity, including cardio execises, heavy physical labor, and to try to avoid emotional stress as much as possible. I will not get better unless I follow my doctor's instructions. I also have a fracture in my lower back, so even if I had the energy to do the above activities, with my back issues, I can't. I know my limitations, and have to reign myself in constantly.

1st: Older DS (18) didn't mow the lawn during the week, so STBX came over to mow the lawn this afternoon. He was hot, sweating and PO'd when he was finished. I had offered him a tall glass of ice water while he was mowing, but he said no. When I suggested to STBX after he was done that maybe we could hire someone to mow, he got pissed and said, "Oh, so I have to take a 2nd job now?!?!" WTF? I meant one of the neighborhood kids. $10-15 bucks for an hour of work. Ideally, DS should be mowing, but he's made himself scarce-- I think he has a girlfriend.

2nd: A sort of continuance from #1. Older DS doesn't really lift a finger to help out around the house (unless I have STBX get on him), and calls me "lazy" if I ask him to bring up heavy baskets of laundry from the basement laundry room, or to unload the dishwasher, etc. He is staying at our home free of charge, and will be going to a community college in the fall. He has not applied for any scholarships, although STBX, me and grandparents have urged him to do so. He has to apply for them, as he will be the recipient. (I was told that if your kid stays at home and will be going to college, then you shouldn't charge them rent).

3rd: Youngest DS (9) is (and has been for many years) acting out, and it is escalating t the point where I'm ready to toss him out and have him live with STBX. STBX is an alcoholic, and can be abusive. Just this past week, I found HotWheels and other toys mangled and smashed up (in tiny pieces) under DS's bed (this is a recurring issue). I also found his desk light bulb smashed all over his floor and behind his desk. I have changed his lightbulb more times than I can remember. He has ALWAYS been destructive, even when he was a small toddler. I've found crayons melted on his light bulb, he's taken pens and mangled his lampshade before... Every pencil that he goes to school with is destroyed in a day or two... it's ALWAYS something being broken with him. I never KNEW Legos could be broken! Older DS took care of his toys, and still has toys from when he was small. Not youngest DS. I don't know if he has some kind of physical problem, or what. He is currently in counseling, and I need to talk with his counselor further about this. He was just evaluated by a psychologist this past week, and I told him about the destructive behavior. I don't know when the cars ended up under his bed, but the light was within a few hours or so of my discovering it, and it was after we'd seen the psychologist.

4th: Youngest DS has gone into his brother's room and taken his collectible cars/other toys and broken them. DS is 18, and I told him that since he has a lock on his door (it needs a key to open), if he doesn't want his brother in his room, to LOCK HIS DOOR. I told him that all the toys there are just too much of a tempation for his brother to keep away from. I think that older DS is setting his brother up to get in trouble. Youngest DS is usually the kid who gets in trouble, so I just have a hunch that the older one is exploiting this. I try to keep younger DS out of the older one's room, but I can't police him 24/7. Should I go ahead and lock the door anyway? I have been trying to stay out of their disputes, so they can work them out by themselves, but this is a recurring issue here. I want the 18 y/o to take responsibility for his belongings, and if he wants them protected and safe, HE needs to show some effort as well.

Today, I told STBX that he wasn't welcome around the house any longer, and later on, youngest DS told me that he'd heard me say that. I told him, that I was sorry that he heard me say that, but it may be better if STBX (his dad) and I met somewhere away from home, as we fight too much when we're here, or at his place.

Youngest DS has drama queen meltdowns when he doesn't get what he wants, including screaming, swearing, and slamming his door. Just the other day (after I found the cars and lightbulb), I took away ALL of his toys and books, crayons, everything except his beanie babies. (He's good to his beanies, and takes excellent care of them.) He's not allowed to watch TV either, and no video games. Well, today, as STBX was mowing the lawn, I looked out, and there was youngest DS, running around the lawn with a car that he's swiped out of the contraband toys! He looked me dead in the eye, and knew he was busted. I told him to put the car back, and that he hadn't earned the car back yet. His behavior had been unacceptable, and he needed to control himself better before he was allowed to have his toys back. Well, that was an issue for him, and he went tearing off down the hall, screaming, smashing the TV remote into the end table and then throwing it to the floor, swearing at me, and slamming his door. He's slammed his door so many times that the doorjamb is out of plumb. I have antique pictures on the wall next to his door (one is close to 200 years old, and is a family heirloom), and when he slams the door, the pictures bang against the wall. I told him that door slamming is unacceptable, he knows this, but continues to act this way. So... I took a screwdriver, a hammer, and took his door off the frame. It is sitting on it's side in his room. I told him if he couldn't control his door slamming urges, then he is not going to have a door to his room. He is also not allowed in my room, or near my desk, as he has taken my address labels to tape things together. Oh, I almost forgot! He isn't allowed to have boxes, because he'll crunch them up and crash them into walls/furniture, etc. He will take cereal boxes, spaghetti boxes... dump food out of the boxes and destroy the boxes, and tape them up with my tape or my address labels! It's ridiculous!

I don't know what else to do. I try to take the high road, and try to be the "sane" parent to my kids, but I'm exhausted. My attempts to discipline younger DS are ridiculed by STBX. I told youngest DS today if he didn't shape up, he'd have to live somewhere else. I am dead serious, whether it is at his father's house (STBX souted to youngest DS that he doesn't want him there), or in a foster home. I try to help everyone else out, and I'm the one who constantly gets @#$% on, and nobody is responsible for their @#$%ty behavior. This is a common thread in my STBX's si...


Edited 7/3/2005 8:05 pm ET ET by susieyippin

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Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 8:17pm

I guess the last part of my message didn't go through. Anyway, here's the rest of what I wrote:

I don't know what else to do. I try to take the high road, and try to be the "sane" parent to my kids, but I'm exhausted. My attempts to discipline younger DS are ridiculed by STBX. I told youngest DS today if he didn't shape up, he'd have to live somewhere else. I am dead serious, whether it is at his father's house (STBX shouted to youngest DS that he doesn't want him there), or in a foster home. I try to help everyone else out, and I'm the one who constantly gets @#$% on, and nobody is responsible for their @#$%ty behavior. This is a common pattern in my STBX's side of the family.

I love my children, but it seems like they are going crazy! I know their world has been turned upside down, but this is crazy. What am I doing wrong? I am in counseling myself, which helps a great deal. I have a feeling that STBX is still drinking, and I think I'll ask the lawyer if it can be stipulated that STBX has to go to AA or he can't see the kids.

Younger DS's counselor and I will have to come up with a plan so DS can control his behavior. Our home is a battlefield for every little thing I ask him to do.. be it brush his teeth or whatever.

Any suggestions? I spoke with DS briefly about this a little while ago, and I told him that we need to pull together. I asked him what he needed from me to help him through this. He said he didn't know, and I can see how he would say that.

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:49pm

Sounds like the 18 year old should get a job and find another place to live if he can't live by your rules. Your small son could be acting out due to seeing all the craziness that has gone on - sounds like you are dealing with that the way it should be. Don't buy him anything else since he doesn't have respect for the things he has.

I'm sorry- hang in there - this is really tough.

((susie))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 12:25am
Hey Susie, Sorry you are having such a rough time. Try and take some time for yourself before you go into total melt down. I have some strong opinions about some of what you wrote about so please take it with a grain of salt. First off, your older son needs to help around the house and go to college and get a job or he needs to get out. Yes, all three. He doesn't seem to have any sense of responibility even for his own things and it's time for him to wake up and grow up. It will be hard, but you need to tell him he needs to leave now. It's to hard on you to deal with him and everything else and he is an adult now. Let him go. As far as your younger son, I would throw those confiscated toys away. Let him mow the lawn to earn money to buy new toys. My nine year old mows so I know this is possible. Maybe he will respect them if he has earned them. Please don't threaten the nine year old with banishment. He is confused and insecure enough. Love him to the best of your ability. Some children just need to know they aren't going to be abandon. Part of his hostility may be rooted in that. Children need to know we love them unconditionally. If you don't like something he does, tell him you don't like the action,not that you dislike the child. Yes, the child needs to be held accountable for his actions, but remember it is the action you hate not the child. Leave STBX out of the picture. You cannot control his words or actions, so don't waste your energy trying. Use your energy for you and your younger child. Keep talking to your young son. You will figure out a plan of action that works for both of you.
I wish you the best. Hugs to you, Brenda
PS. One of the best ways to stop the slamming of a door is to remove the door. Evil, yes, but effective.


Edited 7/4/2005 12:27 am ET ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 3:19am

I have to agree with Brenda here regarding both of your sons.

At 18 there is no excuse for your son to sit around doing nothing to help out. He is doing it because you let him do it. Mowing the lawn or carrying heavy items for you is not going to kill him ...calling his injured mother lazy for not doing it herself could. ( at least in my house it would) Shape up or ship out, plain and simple. Right now he's getting a free ride and getting away with it...why should he change if he doesn't have to answer for his behavior??
As for his brother taking his things...he has a lock on his door...it's up to him to keep it locked, not you. If his stuff gets broken, that's his problem and maybe he'll learn one day.

As for your younger son....I feel that a lot of his behavior stems from what he is hearing and being told. I know that this is all stressful for you ( we are all going through the same thing or we wouldn't be here ) but you really need to stop threatening to give up and move him out.
One of the biggest problems kids have when their parents are divorcing is the desperate fear of abandonment.....that the divorce was their fault and that you blame them and will leave them for it. Your son is obviously scared, confused and angry and he is taking it out on his belongings...which is better than taking it out on humans or animals, but still needs to be addressed. He is testing you, to see how far he can push ...to see if you will abandon him if he's bad.
I know you said he did this before the divorce, but you also said your ex was an abusive alcoholic....so your son has been going through emotional termoil for a long time. If his therapist hasn't been able to see this clearly by now it may be time to find a new therapist.
All he needs right now is your unconditional love and acceptance...and the security of knowing that you are not going to leave him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 9:43am

Wow, I can certainly understand your exhaustion.

Hopefully your most recent psych evaluation with your youngest son will produce some answers that will take you in the right direction before his destructiveness becomes even more serious.

In addition to fear of abandonment, one of the biggest things kids needs when going through any crisis is structure. They need rules, routine and discipline (as much as they try to resist it). The life as they knew it has been tossed for a loop and their need for security increases. If there is any reason for them to blame themselves for what went wrong they will do it. They will blame themselves for your divorce if they find the opportunity. You need to reinforce everyday that you love them and that none of it is their fault.

It's always tough to provide advice on discipline because opinions are so different for people. Personally, I would no longer replace the lightbulb and take away the broken toys permanently (maybe offer to give back a privilege slowly depending on how he behaves). When he's bad, don't send him to his room (that's where all his fun stuff is, his personal haven). And if you have to pick him up and put him back 40 times, do it. Consistency will get you far.

As much as you want to provide you older son a place to live while attending college, he also needs to learn the responsibility of adulthood. If he wants to live like a boarder and not a contributing member of the family, then by all means charge him rent. If he refuses he's more than welcome to live by his own rules...under a roof he can go out and pay for himself. There's no reason why he can't have a part-time job and go to school. Many of us do it.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 10:28am

Wow, susie, I can only imagine how overwhelmed you're feeling right now.

I agree with the others that you're younger son fearing abandonment will probably not help with his behaviour. Hopefully his therapist will be able to help you find ways to bring his behaviour back under control. I think it's a good idea to not replace things he breaks. It also might be a good idea when you take things away from him to put them somewhere he can't sneak and get them - perhaps a lock on your bedroom door would be a good idea?

As for your older son, he's probably learned some of his attitude from his father's influence. You're not the lazy one - he is, and as long as he can get away with it he will. As someone else suggested, he needs to be sat down and told that he can choose between being a family member or a boarder. If he's a boarder, then he's got to pay for to live there. If he's a family member, then he can contribute household chores in lieu of rent. Who is going to be paying for his tuition? Perhaps the threat of taking his funding away if he doesn't follow through on applying for scholarships might get him moving. Also, although I think it's great if you can give him free board while he's going to school, I wouldn't be giving him an allowance anymore - he's old enough to have a part time job for his own spending money.

I hope things get better for you!

-sang

Avatar for susieyippin
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 10:47am

Thanks you to all who answered my post! I appreciate all your replies. It's just been such a difficult week, and I feel SO frustrated!!

I guess I forgot to mention that my older DS does have ajob, and has held the same job for the last few years. He just listens to his father's point of view more than mine, I guess. Yeah, when I've asked him to take the trash to the curb, or laundry, his reply is "you've got legs/arms". When he's asked me for favors lately, my response has been, "You've got arms/legs".

My youngest son has had destructive behavior since he was a toddler. I'm sure it's because of my STBX's drinking. The drinking seemed to get worse about 7 years ago, so most of my son's life has been with his father in a highly stressed mood. Youngest DS's personality is very much like STBX's... a lot of the traits that I despise in STBX are coming out in youngest DS, which is most upsetting for me.

I like to think that I'm the more consistent parent, as far as discipline goes. STBX caves in to youngest DS constantly, so he's thrown the proverbial monkey wrench into a lot of what I've tried to teach DS.

Last night, youngest DS and I were in my room. I got up to go into the kitchen for 2 minutes, when I came back, he quickly scooted accross the bed. I found a smoldering tissue jammed into a candle that had been burning. I was upset, and I told him that he could have burned the house down, and if his behavior didn't change, the authorities could find out about the fire, and take him away from me. It is a reality for him, and I feel it would be a disservice to him to shield him from that. He knows that I love him, and will fight for him, but abandonment issues or not, it is a reality. He has gotten into matches before, found one of STBX's torches in the garage, and set a fire to some of his broken toys under the deck 2 years ago. We thought that we had addressed that problem with counseling and a talk from the local fire chief, but if the destructive behavior keeps happening, I won't be able to stop the powers-that-be if they want to take him away if they think he's in a dangerous situation. He's also banged his head against the cement pathway (to get attention, or to shock us), the lightbulb thing isn't just him breaking it-- he could have electrocuted himself... this kid just utterly mystifies me. What worked for his older brother, does not work for him. Youngest DS has always learned the hard way, and even then, he doesn't learn sometimes. This little boy is adored, gets plenty of positive attention... I just don't know what else to do. Thanks goodness he has a counseling appointment this week. I find out the results of his evaluation, and his counselor and I will figure out what to do about his behavior.

Thanks to everyone who wrote back!

Susie

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Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:34pm

first - a hug. you are going thru something very very rough and it can't be easy for you. and now a question: have you been thru any kind of therapy? some of the issues you are describing need professional help.


to start with - your younges son NEEDS HELP. and he needs it NOW. a nine year old who is doing these things is either very very angry OR he has some other issues, or a combination, and YOU can't deal with this on your own. don't delay this because the day will come when he will be too physically strong for you to handle.


your oldest son - must do chores, and has no right to call you names. this is a red line that he should not be crossing. you can't blame your stbx, you can't blame "men" - this is your responsibility and you need to take care of this.


please - get some help.

Avatar for susieyippin
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 1:58pm

Hi Sang,

Thanks for replying. My uncle has offered to pay for older DS's tutition to the community college. It is not wildly expensive, under 7K a year, I think. Maybe less than 5k per year. I'd hae to check. Older DS doesn't even want to go to college-- he said that he will just work at his present job. He works in the recreation department of a campground. He seems to think that he can live for free at the campground, as he is an employee there. If he keeps acting up, he will be seeing if that's true.

This morning, younger DS washed one of his beanie babies, and DEMANDED that I use my hair dryer to dry it. I told him to put it on the deck, and it would air dry in a couple of hours-- the hair dryer wouldn't be appropriate, and might damage the filling. Evidently, that did not sit well with him, and he went screaming and crying into his room. He was screaming and wailing at the top of his lungs. His dad had called earlier, and was supposed to pick him up at noon. DS started melting down around 11:45. I told DS that if he didn't calm down, then he would relinquish his beanies. He continued the tantrum, and I took the remaining beanies out of his room (about 4). He continued his tantrum, and I told him that I would speak to him after my shower. While I was in the shower, he was banging on my bedroom door for me to open up. I called to him that I would be out of the shower in a few minutes.

Fast forward 25 minutes or so, and STBX was here to pick up DS (late as usual). I indicated to him that I'd like to speak with him privately about DS. I told him that I was concerned about DS's behavior, and I was going to leave a message with the counselor. I said that I wasn't sure if maybe the problem could be physical, or what. I also told him that I didn't expect much support from him, and he replied that maybe it was me, because DS doesn't act like that when he's with him. (DS is probably too scared to). I think that DS does this with me to test me. Anyway, I told STBX that I'm sure all the neighbors heard DS's tantrum, and that might be one reason why the kids in the neighborhood won't play with him-- if I'd heard my neighbor's kids doing this, I'd be leary of sending my kid over to play. STBX replied that "Oh, I don't have a bed for him, and I don't have much food." Which is TOTAL BS-- he has a fridge full of food, I sent some microwaveable mac & cheese over there for DS, and I told STBX that Target has Aerobeds on sale for like $85. He said that he didn't want to mess around with that "junk". So, it's a matter of inconvenience for him, than wanting to help DS get through this difficult time. What a jerk. It doesn't phase STBX in the least to spend $$$ restoring a car that he bought from my cousin, and buying a parts car, but he'll complain that he doesn't have the cash to get a simple cot for DS when he stays at his house. GRRRR

So, I did leave a message for the counselor, and I'm off now to call my lawyer. When STBX & I were talking today, I also said that "Ya know, when the neighbors see cop cars in the driveway, then there's another reason they don't want their kids to play here." (In March, STBX was "trying" to replace beers with coffee, and had 10 LARGE cups of coffee in one day. He overloaded on caffeine, and picked a fight. I was concerned for my safety, so I dialed 911. The cops came, but STBX took off before they came.) STBX said, "Oh, I wasn't the only one out of control that night!!!" I said, "Um, you substituted one drug for another, and had a toxic reaction. I was concerned for our safety." He said, "I don't have time to argue about this", and left. He likes for it to be all my fault, so it absolves him of his drinking problems.

Susie

Avatar for susieyippin
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 2:06pm

I am in therapy myself. I've been trying to get help for youngest DS for 2 years. He just had surgery a month ago for his adenoids and tonsils. He was tentatively diagnosed with ADD, but he also had sleep apnea, and we'd heard that ADD can be misdiagnosed when a person has sleep apnea. It still remins to be seen if he has one or the other, or both. We tried medication, but it didn't do anything. His pediatrician doesn't want him to be on meds during summer vacation. I think he has a physical coming up this month, so it may be a good time to re-evaluate, at least medically.

I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, and I also called DS's counselor. I asked her if we could hook up tomorrow while I'm at the clinic-- she and my counselor are in the same clinic.

I'm doing the best I can with the resources that I have available to me. For the most part, youngest DS is a sweet boy, but he knows how to exploit the situation to get his way, and he knows which buttons to push.

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