Tired of being crapped on...

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tired of being crapped on...
13
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 4:04pm

... by the males in my family.

STBX is useless.

My older son won't lift a finger for the most part.

Younger DS is acting out and physically destroying our home.

I'm at my wits end-- I'm having spasms in my back, chest, and sides. I have a stress related adrenal disorder that has caused severe health problems in the past and recently. My doctor has ordered me NOT to do any type of physical work/activity, including cardio execises, heavy physical labor, and to try to avoid emotional stress as much as possible. I will not get better unless I follow my doctor's instructions. I also have a fracture in my lower back, so even if I had the energy to do the above activities, with my back issues, I can't. I know my limitations, and have to reign myself in constantly.

1st: Older DS (18) didn't mow the lawn during the week, so STBX came over to mow the lawn this afternoon. He was hot, sweating and PO'd when he was finished. I had offered him a tall glass of ice water while he was mowing, but he said no. When I suggested to STBX after he was done that maybe we could hire someone to mow, he got pissed and said, "Oh, so I have to take a 2nd job now?!?!" WTF? I meant one of the neighborhood kids. $10-15 bucks for an hour of work. Ideally, DS should be mowing, but he's made himself scarce-- I think he has a girlfriend.

2nd: A sort of continuance from #1. Older DS doesn't really lift a finger to help out around the house (unless I have STBX get on him), and calls me "lazy" if I ask him to bring up heavy baskets of laundry from the basement laundry room, or to unload the dishwasher, etc. He is staying at our home free of charge, and will be going to a community college in the fall. He has not applied for any scholarships, although STBX, me and grandparents have urged him to do so. He has to apply for them, as he will be the recipient. (I was told that if your kid stays at home and will be going to college, then you shouldn't charge them rent).

3rd: Youngest DS (9) is (and has been for many years) acting out, and it is escalating t the point where I'm ready to toss him out and have him live with STBX. STBX is an alcoholic, and can be abusive. Just this past week, I found HotWheels and other toys mangled and smashed up (in tiny pieces) under DS's bed (this is a recurring issue). I also found his desk light bulb smashed all over his floor and behind his desk. I have changed his lightbulb more times than I can remember. He has ALWAYS been destructive, even when he was a small toddler. I've found crayons melted on his light bulb, he's taken pens and mangled his lampshade before... Every pencil that he goes to school with is destroyed in a day or two... it's ALWAYS something being broken with him. I never KNEW Legos could be broken! Older DS took care of his toys, and still has toys from when he was small. Not youngest DS. I don't know if he has some kind of physical problem, or what. He is currently in counseling, and I need to talk with his counselor further about this. He was just evaluated by a psychologist this past week, and I told him about the destructive behavior. I don't know when the cars ended up under his bed, but the light was within a few hours or so of my discovering it, and it was after we'd seen the psychologist.

4th: Youngest DS has gone into his brother's room and taken his collectible cars/other toys and broken them. DS is 18, and I told him that since he has a lock on his door (it needs a key to open), if he doesn't want his brother in his room, to LOCK HIS DOOR. I told him that all the toys there are just too much of a tempation for his brother to keep away from. I think that older DS is setting his brother up to get in trouble. Youngest DS is usually the kid who gets in trouble, so I just have a hunch that the older one is exploiting this. I try to keep younger DS out of the older one's room, but I can't police him 24/7. Should I go ahead and lock the door anyway? I have been trying to stay out of their disputes, so they can work them out by themselves, but this is a recurring issue here. I want the 18 y/o to take responsibility for his belongings, and if he wants them protected and safe, HE needs to show some effort as well.

Today, I told STBX that he wasn't welcome around the house any longer, and later on, youngest DS told me that he'd heard me say that. I told him, that I was sorry that he heard me say that, but it may be better if STBX (his dad) and I met somewhere away from home, as we fight too much when we're here, or at his place.

Youngest DS has drama queen meltdowns when he doesn't get what he wants, including screaming, swearing, and slamming his door. Just the other day (after I found the cars and lightbulb), I took away ALL of his toys and books, crayons, everything except his beanie babies. (He's good to his beanies, and takes excellent care of them.) He's not allowed to watch TV either, and no video games. Well, today, as STBX was mowing the lawn, I looked out, and there was youngest DS, running around the lawn with a car that he's swiped out of the contraband toys! He looked me dead in the eye, and knew he was busted. I told him to put the car back, and that he hadn't earned the car back yet. His behavior had been unacceptable, and he needed to control himself better before he was allowed to have his toys back. Well, that was an issue for him, and he went tearing off down the hall, screaming, smashing the TV remote into the end table and then throwing it to the floor, swearing at me, and slamming his door. He's slammed his door so many times that the doorjamb is out of plumb. I have antique pictures on the wall next to his door (one is close to 200 years old, and is a family heirloom), and when he slams the door, the pictures bang against the wall. I told him that door slamming is unacceptable, he knows this, but continues to act this way. So... I took a screwdriver, a hammer, and took his door off the frame. It is sitting on it's side in his room. I told him if he couldn't control his door slamming urges, then he is not going to have a door to his room. He is also not allowed in my room, or near my desk, as he has taken my address labels to tape things together. Oh, I almost forgot! He isn't allowed to have boxes, because he'll crunch them up and crash them into walls/furniture, etc. He will take cereal boxes, spaghetti boxes... dump food out of the boxes and destroy the boxes, and tape them up with my tape or my address labels! It's ridiculous!

I don't know what else to do. I try to take the high road, and try to be the "sane" parent to my kids, but I'm exhausted. My attempts to discipline younger DS are ridiculed by STBX. I told youngest DS today if he didn't shape up, he'd have to live somewhere else. I am dead serious, whether it is at his father's house (STBX souted to youngest DS that he doesn't want him there), or in a foster home. I try to help everyone else out, and I'm the one who constantly gets @#$% on, and nobody is responsible for their @#$%ty behavior. This is a common thread in my STBX's si...


Edited 7/3/2005 8:05 pm ET ET by susieyippin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:24am

Hugs - it sounds like you've got so much to deal with and aren't getting much of a break.

Your older DS - if he doesn't 'want' to go to college, do you think he may go and goof off and waste the money spent? I've seen a lot of teens do this, and sometimes giving them a year to realize what life is like will change their attitudes. If he doesn't get his act together, I'd let him see that life in the real world isn't such a breeze.

Your younger son - getting the counsellor's help and not giving in to his whims sounds like a good course of action. It's unfortunate your ex can't be more helpful for the sake of his son, but I'm sure there are things you can do without his help. If your son doesn't act that way with his father, it may mean that he does know what appropriate behaviour is and can control himself, so if you can figure out why he's acting out with you, then you may be able to correct it. It probably won't be an easy road, but if you can get to the source of his problems and then hang in there while you work to manage them, you can turn things around for him. As for the neighbourhood kids - right now, they may not want/be allowed to play with him because of his volatility & having few friends probably is a factor in his behaviour. But once he starts making progress, kids may be willing to give him a chance.

As for your ex, trying to reason with him is probably a waste of time. People who blame the consequences of their own behaviour on others rarely see the light, unfortunately.

-sang

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 10:44am

Susie,
I'm not a professional counselor or social worker, but here's my two cents for what its worth:

1)Your older son needs boundaries. If he's not paying rent than he needs to be told there are certain things you expect him to do (as long as he's going to school), i.e. mow the lawn, carry laundry, load the dishwasher, etc. As for his school financing, let him take the ball on this. If you fill out the paperwork or pay his tuition you're just exerbating the problem. By the way, there's no law anywhere on the books that I know of that says you can't charge your son rent while he's in school. I agree if he doesn't do his share of chores or doesn't go to school he needs to get a job and pay rent or get his own place and that should be made clear to him.

2)Your younger son should be in counseling. He's acting out either as a reaction to the circumstances, because he can, and because he's wired that way. Please call a mental health facility or a social service agency and learn your options for getting him some help. There should be sliding fee scales to keep costs down if your insurance doesn't cover some of it. You shouldn't expect a 9 year old to control himself. He needs help. See that he gets it.

Good luck.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 6:59pm

Thanks for te reply.

I haven't filled out any paperwork for older DS. The only thing I have done so far was to email one of the family associations that I belong to for genealogy, to ask how DS needs to apply for the scholarship, as there was NO info in their website. The reply back was that DS needs to contact them for the scholarship application. The application is in an issue of the family association's quarterly publication. I gave DS the publication so that he could apply. The publication sat on his desk. I do not plan to fill out any paperwork for him. I haven't filled out anything up to this date, aside from the email. The ball is in his court. With financial aid, his tuition is around 5K per year.

Yesterday, I wrote down what the terms of his lease are, since he said that he was a "boarder" here. $XXX. per month, what is included, and what is not included. Also his responsibilities, etc. When I mentioned that sometimes people don't charge their kids rent if the kids are going to college, I meant that in our area, as a courtesy some people don't charge rent to their college-going kids because the rents are so high. Off-season winter rentals START at $1200 per month, and summer rentals can be that much per week. The school he is going to does not have dorms, so he will have to live at home, or take a rental, which is unaffordable for a typical college kid. DS does have a job, and works full-time in the summer.

My youngest is in counseling, and has been for a few months. We tried counseling in 2003, but the counselor said that in boys DS's age-- 7 at the time-- counseling is difficult to attempt, he had ADD, and that needed to be diagnosed and controlled FIRST. It took months to get a diagnosis, and then the diagnosis may be in error. Also, the pediatrician wanted DS to get settled into his medicine before counseling was attempted again. The sleep apnea also delayed treatment... he may have been on a med for the ADD needlessly. Now that he can get a full night's sleep without his breathing stopping possibly 100s of times a night, will probably improve matters.

STBX ridicules counseling (STBX says it's for people who want to go and hear how wonderful they are!) as well as my efforts to try to keep DS on the straight and narrow, and caves in to DS's whims. So, DS is getting mixed messages, and STBX is throwing monkey wrenches into my efforts. I spoke with my counselor today, and she said that it sounded like I was doing the best I can, and STBX MAY be telling the kids not to listen to me, or that he's probably contradicting everything I tell them. He also may be resorting to his "Poor Dad, mom kicked me out, you kids should feel sorry for me" act. Younger DS told me yesterday, "Dad said that you ruined his day today" !!!

Back to the sleep apnea for a second... when DS was diagnosed with sleep apnea, I told the ENT who diagnosed him, "This kid NEVER was a good sleeper. When he was a baby, he didn't take a nap in the afternoon like other babies. He'd be awake 20 minutes, sleep 20 minutes, and so on." The ENT said that that is a classic sleep apnea pattern in babies, and I'm convinced that that has a lot to do with DS's behavioral issues... combined with the obvious alcoholism and tension at home of course. But if he was unable to get into decent sleep for the first 9 years of his life (and no pediatrician picked up on it, even when I told them when he was a baby that he NEVER slept and was the loudest snorer that I'd ever heard-- the ENT told me that the ped's aren't as familiar with apnea in kids as ENT's are), had dark circles under his eyes for a long time... He doesn't have the circles under his eyes anymore, but it will take a while to re-train his body, and a good deal of that training will need to be behavioral. As I said in earlier posts in this thread, he was evaluated by a psychloogist last week, and the results are due in this week. I will most likely get the results Thursday, whe DS goes in for his counseling appointment.

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