Tired of dealing w/STBX
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| Sun, 08-17-2008 - 7:55pm |
Things are so much better when I don't have to deal with STBX. On Sat. he came over to get more stuff. I was painting my son's room so I didn't really notice what he took. He wasn't there long. I didn't see much of a difference but he said he took bags of things. So he wanted me to help him move this big roll top desk from the basement into his apt. I don't mind him using my minivan, since I don't think it's going to fit in the Toyota camry, but I don't think I should be carrying it. His apt. isn't that close to where you have to park and basically I think he could ask a man to help him if he doesn't want to hire movers. Finally he said his DD (who is a lot bigger than me) agreed to help. Yeah, I don't feel like getting a sore back from having to carry his things. I think I've done enough.
well tonight I was telling him on the phone that I didn't want to carry the desk and he brings up again something he said this a.m. He came over to mow the lawn (mind you, I have never asked him to do that, but he volunteers, then of course looks unhappy the whole time, so really why do it?) and he says that my son should pull some weeds. I told him that he could tell me what needed to be done and I would take care of it. So on the phone he starts off by saying "I don't want to have an argument" which of course means he does, and says "why were you mad that I said John had to pull the weeds?" I said it is the principle of the fact that he has no right to tell my kids what to do. he can ask me about something and then it is my decision whether I want to do it myself or ask my kids to do it, not his. It's not like my son won't help me, he helped me paint yesterday. So his brilliant response is "well, if things don't get done to PROTECT MY INVESTMENT in the house, I'll have to do something" and then when I start to talk, he hung up! This is so typical of his behavior. So of course I called him back & he didn't answer the phone, but I left a message that his act of hanging up shows me that he thinks that only his opinion matters and what I have to say is of no importance since he won't even listen to it and that I thought he was very childish.
And he wonders why I want a divorce? Yeah, his investment that he couldn't be bothered to fix anything or even mow the lawn (his DD used to do it) when he lived here. And this is after he gave me the birthday card last week about how I am the most important person in the world to him or some such crap. I guess he's only good at buying mushy cards that have no substance behind them. My mom & aunt think he's trying to get me back but I assured them there's no way that will happen. Esp. after these stupid kind of phone calls.
Well, thanks for letting me vent.

Each time you engage him, you are leaving that string there for him to grab. Mowing the lawn, fixing things, helping him move, going to a movie/dinner with him. You are keeping him engaged. You state he's such a downer--which believe me, I believe you! Yet you continue to engage him...
The best thing to do, really, in my opinion, is quit helping him. Quit talking to him. Quit having him do *anything* at your house. Once that final string is cut, your life is yours, his life is his. If he's lonely, that's on him. If he doesn't take his psych meds, that too is on him.
I remember I did this when I first separated from my ex. Then I realized--I only wanted positive people in my life. I questioned myself "Why would you want him in your life? He brings no positivity to it". The more I had my ex do things around this house, the more he felt I needed him. The more he felt he would soon be back here. I began pulling back and only spoke to him about our kids. When he began to ask personal questions, I ended the conversation. I would not engage with him.
And you're "enabling" him because of his mental status. That's his. Not yours. He's a grown man and the disorder he has, yes can be disabling, but he's functional--he's working. He's able to support himself. you may not like the life he's making-no friends, no relationship with his daughter, etc...but that is his choice. Quit making excuses for him and quit feeling sorry for him. He certainly isn't feeling sorry for you.....
Focus on your life and your sons/daugters lives. Quit giving him that string......(my humble opinion)....
One day at a time. You can do this.....
Deb
You have so hit the nail on the head.
The good part of him being mad at me is that he didn't call me all day yesterday or this a.m.
Live in a little city called Traverse City.
I think it's his way of staying in your life and controlling you.
You know, I haven't heard from STBX since we had the argument Sunday night and it's really nice.