Tired & in need of encouragement

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tired & in need of encouragement
3
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 12:22pm

Hi everyone,

Today is one of those down days for me. This divorce process is just very draining. The ex is doing everything in his power to brainwash my two children and is trying to make life difficult as difficult for me as possible. He told my son that we had to go to court last month because my son "ran away." I had to explain to my son a couple days ago that that was not true at all and I told him that we had to go to court because his father would not agree to my proposed parenting schedule and so there was a hearing for temporary parenting time (he wants the kids all the time). We have to go back on the 14th of December for a permanent schedule.

Ex is giving me a hard time because he said it's not fair that the kids have to ride the bus home on my evenings and then I pick them up after work. You think he'd be happy to see them for a couple hours before they go with me. He has been calling me and harrassing me about this and other issues. I hung up on him the other day when I had heard enough of his tirade. I emailed him that I never want him to call me at work again.

I left our house a few months ago and moved into an apartment because he locked me out of our bedroom and threw all my stuff in the basement and that's where I slept for a month. I knew he would not leave the home so I had to get out of there to save my sanity because I could no longer stand his yelling and intimidation anymore. The sad part is that my kids witnessed all this. The kids have said nothing to him because they're afraid of him.

He warned me years ago that if we ever got a divorce he would take my kids away from me, and at that time I decided to hang in there because of the threat. I now believe what he said because now he is fighting me tooth and nail to have the kids at the house full time because "going back and forth is too disruptive for them." What a crock.

He is stalling on getting any market values on the house because he doesn't want to have to buy me out or sell the house, so I plan on getting a couple real estate agents in there this next week to give a market value. He's trying to low ball me so that I get less. He told me that he will not let anyone in the house - and he agreed in front of his atty and mine that we would get a market value! Now he's telling me that he won't anyone in (he also has locked me out of my own home). I suppose I could get a sheriff and locksmith to let me in the house.

I put together a modest list of items I would like from the house and he would not agree to the list and said "We have to sit down together and go over each item." He knows I do not want to sit down with him because he knows I am uncomfortable to be around him. I'm to the point where all I want is the living room furniture and to heck with the rest. It's too draining to fight for material items. Most of the furniture I'm using now has been given to me by friends.

My retainer fee has been eaten up and now I will need to pay my attorney. Well, he has locked up all our savings away from me and I have to let him know I need money. I know he will tell me no way. I'm barely making it and this guy is determined to see me fall flat on my face. He has not given me a dime. He told my son that his budget was too tight when my son said he needed boxers and socks. So I went out and bought them for my son. Funny, but he has the money to advertise on Match.com and take women out on dates.

Over the past year I had emotionally checked out of my marriage because I had had enough of his treatment towards me over the years. He is the one who filed for divorce. I think it was more as a threat because afterwards he said, "We don't have to go through this you know." At that point, I wanted to tell him up yours buddy. But he's a control freak and this is the way he operates.

My goal is to get my portion of my equity out of the home and buy myself a townhome by next summer when my lease is, somewhere that is real close to the kids' schools or on their bus route so that I do not have to hear him complain about them riding the bus to the house on "my" days. Heck, I only live two miles from their schools right now, but it's not on the bus route.

I know he is badmouthing me to my children and this is what hurts me the most, and of course they're afraid to say anything to him. I am tired of fighting a constant uphill battle. All I want is peace and solitude in my life and to be away from someone making me feel like a zero.

For those of you going through, or having gone through, tough times, I could sure use some encouraging words right now.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 4:09pm

Oh, Zinnia,

I'm so sorry you're so worn out with your fight...I wish I could give you a real hug, but I do send you much encouragement through these written words. If you are going back to court this month, then maybe some of your financial needs can be met then. Your attorney will know what to do to get you access to a joint account if your ex has moved the money.

If it's any consolation, you are not alone. My ex (and others I have heard about) have done some of the same things yours has and he DIDN"T GET AWAY WITH IT!!!!

My ex hid money--my attorney got my half back for me plus a fine. My ex locked me out of the bedroom and house, I broke the window to get in and re-keyed the locks and I did also leave the house to preserve my sanity. I now live in a wonderful place of my own choosing and my own decorating--my haven for me and my kids. My ex underestimated the value of the house, I got 3 "real" ones which were used in the property settlement calculation. My ex tried to force me to leave the kids and leave town, I didn't. My ex ordered me to commit suicide, I didn't. My ex still tries to turn my kids against me in many ways, but doesn't succeed. My ex used to make me feel like a zero too, but now I KNOW I am a worthy human and a very competent woman and a terrific mother.

You're right, it's not worth fighting about the material things. I did get taken there, but I don't care--it's just stuff and stuff is replaceable. What's most important is taking care of the children.

I know from experience how difficult it is to divorce and co-parent with a control-freak and you have my deepest sympathy. It was an awful time for me, but it is SO MUCH BETTER NOW! I promise you, it will get better. Stand up for yourself and your children and you won't regret it. I went for some time to a psychologist who specialized in co-parenting therapy. I suggest seeing if you can find one in your city. If your ex won't go with you, go alone, and you might be able to get it court-ordered. That helped me tremendously. Educate yourself, read all you can get your hands on about the subject. I recommend, "Co-parenting with a Jerk" (no lie--that's the title).

I promise, peace WILL come, and I am sending you thoughts of strength to tide you over until that time. Feel free to email through the profile if you want to talk more.

Hugs from Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 6:51pm

You will win your freedom, and that is the more important than any of the things. Picture him - lying on the sofa he fought tooth and nail to keep from you - grey hair, scruffy grey beard, dirty dishes all around and wondering why his grown kids never come to see him. LOL!

Just a little fun fantasy. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 6:13pm

Cupcake & Rose,

Thanks for your kind words. I have good family support and great friends to help me through this, plus I am seeing a very good therapist. I'll look into the Co-parenting with a Jerk book too. I like the fantasy you shared Rose! It made me laugh. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Belinda