Today feels a little better
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| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:10pm |
Hi again,
Thank you for your replies to my lonely post. It's been a few days since I wrote that and I'm on an upswing of this rollercoaster. I just wanted to say thank you and that I'm really glad to have someplace to go where others really do understand the things you just can't explain to your friends who haven't been through this.
A thought I had on guilt...isn't it so easy to hold onto it? I am the one who left the relationship and for reasons that don't stem out of abuse. It was a parting of ways that happened long after a parting of hearts. In some ways my husband still cannot understand what it means to "see" me. He is not willing, or is unable, to go to the depth I'm looking for in my life and in a life partner. Wrapped up in our marriage was all the shoulds and should-nots...and I walked away from it all. The guilt seems to be something that is easy, if you will, to focus on. It's something of a self-loathing process we take on in order to explain the matters of the heart that just gave up, because the love disappeared. How do you square that heart decision in your mind? With guilt. It's a great distraction from embracing the truth.
I am taking today to sit with the idea that guilt may be something that spins my wheels, that is holding me back from acknowledging and embracing the notion that he and I may just not have been meant to live our lives out together. Isn't that ok? Why is it always about trying just a little bit longer, going that extra mile to get "it" back. Why does there always seem to be someone who has to take the blame? I can say I tried. I can say I don't know if I tried "hard enough," but that seems to be a rationalization of my head. Instead, if I look into my heart, I can say with confidence that when the heart is done, it doesn't matter how much time you log into "saving the marriage"...my heart is not committed to my husband.
There is a gift in seeing past the guilt, if only a glimpse at a time, that reveals to me a precious chance for both of us to reach out and discover a life, and a love, that could fulfill both of us separately far more than a life together ever would have given us...no matter how hard we may have tried to hold it all together.
When I can see these little lessons pop up, I realize that I am in some small way beginning the healing process. I'm also looking at my time and how I spend it. I've set a goal for myself to get out a little more. I'm joining a gym tomorrow and hopefully can channel some of my energy into physical exertion. What else do you all do to occupy those places in your mind that are just raw and in need of care?
Anyway, just wanted to say it's great to find this board and I'm looking forward to learning a lot. By the way, Slim, I have that book "In the Meantime." A dear friend mailed it to me and I'm on the second chapter...it is amazing.
~sid

I LOVES all of Iyanla's books... so when you get finished with that one... move on to another one :-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~