today I had a major realization

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
today I had a major realization
4
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:13pm
I have been going back and forth about am I doing the right thing in wanting this divorce, etc. STBX says he doesn't know if we could ever work it out but will be good friends (we'll see about that one). Anyhow, I have been sad about realizing it is probally over and trying to let that go and feeling guilty about my kids and how could I want to tear their lives apart, etc. etc. you all probally know:) Anyhow, driving home from up north, I heard the song The Reason. It is great. It got me thinking about my kids and why I wanted this divorce and the fact that they were never a priority in their dads eyes. I was somewhat, but always, what he wanted to do came first and still does. I made the decision that no matter what, the person I am with will have to make my kids and me the priority of their life (not always first but at least some of the time, and the kids most of the time). I know it sounds silly since it is a given for most people but I spent so many years letting him show our kids that they were not his priority because I didn't know what to do or how and I can't do it anymore. It isn't impossible that STBX could do that but as of right now, he hasn't changed that factor of his life and I will not settle for less and even if it means my kids don't have a man in their life, it is better than letting someone show them they are not important enough or don't matter. If it isn't him, it may be someone else, but if not, I think I am fine with that. Who can live with feeling like they are not important enough? not me or my kids. Ok, kinda rambly I know but this is a big breakthrough to me since I have always made excuses for him and still think sometimes I should just say forget it and stay together. :) thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:28am
Congrats on your breakthrough moment! They are SO important. I remember when I had a BIG breakthrough moment after a BIG mistake. Even if you so occasionally have doubts from this point on, you'll be able to look back and remember you had a moment of clarity. You've realized you're worth more than being mistreated by a man.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 2:47pm
This all sounds a little too familiar. Although in my case, my kids are lucky enough that their dad does and has made them a priority. In my case, I'm the one that never was. I also had my moment of clarity, I saw the pattern of my life with him, and saw what I had done to myself in order to enable that pattern to continue. So, when guilt sets in about my decision, I just remember that my kids need a healthy mom that thinks of herself as much as she thinks of them or anyone else. So, hang in there and keep moving forward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 4:28pm

I think we live parallel lives! That is the same way I feel about my husband. He is a good guy, but it is as if our lives have always revolved around him...his jobs, his hobbies, his school, his career. When he wanted to go out with his friends, he just up and went out. If I wanted to, I had to arrange childcare because he always had something of his own to do that night, and I had to plan weeks in advance to do anything! He really truly doesn't understand what is wrong with the scenario. He once said to me "If you would just do everything I tell you to, we wouldn't have all these problems" I still can't believe he seriously said it.

That is where I finally gave up too. I can't let my boys grow up seeing that the world revolves around dad, and we get attention when there is nothing else better to pay attention to. It is just disrespectful and self centered. I know that their dad loves them, but he has absolutely no idea what raising kids is really like! Ok, my response to you has become my own vent, sorry!! I just want to let you know that you are not alone and you are doing the right thing for you and your kids. Best of luck to you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 10:35am

Good for you! I wish I could have a big breakthrough too. ;)

you wrote: I "still think sometimes I should just say forget it and stay together."

Sometimes I feel this way too and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. It's such a big change. Of course I have lots of guilt too although I know my reasons are justified. What keeps me going is knowing I'm doing what's right for my little one. But still I sometimes wonder whether I will actually go through with it.
Kelly