Told him to move out today

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Told him to move out today
14
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:47pm
Well my stbx was going to stay here few more weeks as he has to pay things here till the end of April.......and he is getting ready to go on a extreme overtime job so we were trying to wait it out but I just cant take it. It hurts everytime I look at him. He went to look at a place and I said you need to go ahead and take it and he said well not that fast and sure enough I checked on our cell phone acct and he called her as soon as he got away from the house.
Even though he has hurt me terribly, ripped my heart out, (you can read my story look for my long post) I am not a mean person and he only has so much available funds but he can draw enough out of an acct to do it. He also probably wants to be here to spend time with our adult son who is moving out of state soon. I am so tired of him using me. and I consider that to be the case when it only means the difference of a few hundred dollars. He told me that is why he has been here this long cause our son was here. gee wonder why we made love and he told me he loved me so much?
I hope he didnt just use that for an excuse to call her. I keep crying off and on and its just hard on me to have him here. does anyone understand? I know we cant afford this but it will only be the difference of about 6 weeks rent for him.
I feel guilty now and know I shouldnt. I am sure he upset as he doesnt have a lap top and he emails her constantly when I go to bed. we keep different hours. I work for myself and I havent been able to work. My work ends up with tears all over it.
Does anyone have any ideas on why I feel guilty for making him move out now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:51pm

Dolly I understand. I truly do. Hugs to you and I am sending you prayers for the streaghth so you can get through this.

As for the answer to your question at the bottom of your post: Because you love him!

Just because they stop loving us doesn't mean we have to stop loving them and some times we don't for a long time.

Please dolly stop looking for stuff it does nothing but adds pain to your already broken heart. I was the same way at one time but as time goes by things do get better even thou right now it seems as if your life will never have another bright moment in it. That is the furthest from the truth and I am living proof. I stayed even with all the abuse and lies and cheating till one day I realized that "I" was the only one suffering in this life and I would continue as long as I waited for some thing to change that hadn't in over 25 years! I cried of course, No let me say that again I howled with pain in my closet alone and hit stuff kicked stuff till I had no more energy in my body left to even want to breath any more. I then picked my self up off the closet floor went to the mirror looked at my pathectic self and said I DESERVE BETTER! I DESERVE BETTER! That was the last time I looked back and now I am living the best life "I" have known way better than the miserable life I thought was good being married to that selfish SOB. Its all about me now! and will continue to be. Oh I have a significant other and he respects me and loves me for the person I am not the person he wants me to be. I am accepted for who I am as a woman the one he chose to love and not try and change. So dolly get out the house and start your new life there is so much out there that you are missing out on. You are still letting him run your life by checking on him, what more do you need to know? Go on with your life believe me he will be back sooner than you know and by that time you would have MOVED on with YOUR life. Meet people at support groups I did as much as I was against it I did it and it helped. It just like these boards only in real life. I met my best girl friend there many years ago and she is the sister I never had.
Look at the Sun for what its worth and the blue sky around it and you will see the shine it can and will give your life.
Good luck and I will be around lurking and reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:24pm

Dolly, my ex and I had agreed that he'd move out in January of 2006, but by December 2005 he was behaving like such a jackass I kicked him out early. I felt guilty each time I brought up giving me a move out date. I even felt guilty when things were going crazy in the days leading up to me kicking him out, but I finally snapped. He wanted to behave as badly as he liked and expected me to suck it up. I hit a limit and said get the "f" out. He did and my life has been better ever since.

Once you push past the guilt and get him out of there, you'll be amazed at how much better life is despite the sadness over the divorce. Plus he'll know you have a limit. That he can't keep treating you badly and expect you to just sit there and take it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:37pm

Hi~


I'm not sure it's guilt that you're feeling.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:56pm

Oh yes, yes, yes, those mixed feelings ... they turn us inside out and upside down! I am so sorry. You are strong and you are taking care of you, I think.

If we were all the angels God intends us to be someday we wouldn't have to go through this h&^ll on earth, but we are flawed, all of us, and we hurt each other, and mis-communicate and worse and so marriages crumble ...

And so you suffer even while you are doing what you think best ...

Hugs hugs hugs!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 6:08pm
Oh you guys thanks so much for your posts. He has been packing and I keep hammering him well that is what he calls it. I do.......I go on and on and on everything from making him feel guilty about our dog who loves him to calling her names. I am fine one minute then am trying to grab his cell phone out of his hand. I am not nuts or trying to make him feel miserable.....if I was I would have called her and called her husband by now. I dont want to hurt him. Something as horrible as what they are doing could cause someone to go postal.
If it was me as I said I would have called her and told her what I think.
Oh my heart is aching so bad. The pain is right in the middle of my chest. Fear, Abandonment, anger, isolation, sadness........I had a chest pain and got dizzy.
I am trying to tell him that I have to have him go now because I cant bear the pain anymore.
oh sometimes I want to go cling to him and say please please dont leave. it wouldnt do any good. he is through with us. he says this will make him happy and if I got him to stay for a while it would only lengthen my grieving period and make him hate me more.
The encouraging words you are all giving me is the only thing helping me right now.
thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:34pm

Oh dolly do I remember those moments so well and I will never let myself hurt like that again. I understand you yelling at him just to get any kind of emotion/thoughts feelings out of him and it is like hitting a brick wall with your car and nothing happens to the wall but your car is messed up and you back up and hit the gas and hit it again hoping this time it will damage the wall but no, NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL or not what we want them to do. It is a endless road we take and it will be nothing but a dead end if we do not put it in reverse and drive the other direction and never take that road again....Because we know we been down it and it leads to NO WHERE! He sounds just like my ex a peice of concret rock with no heart or at the moment no heart. He later came back and begged and cried but by that time I had already made up my mind that I needed to do what was best for my and my HEART. You worry because it is scary going out into the world alone after being with someone so long but if you think about it ask your self as I did. What was good about it? In my case nothing but I accepted it and it was my way of living for so long it was all I knew or wanted to know at the time. See sometime comfort is not a good thing at all. We tend to let people treat us bad and then soon accept it and the next thing is not so bad to us then the next and the next till we just exist as a wife and not as a person. You are a person dolly a woman a mom and you will always be that and that is a definate in life but we are not always certain we will be a wife forever. That is just how life is and we have to accept it. PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT STOP LIVING THIS IS JUST ANOTHER STEP IN OUR LIVES. I know its a big one but you will keep on walking and soon you will come to a point where you will be at peace with all that you face daily. I am here if you need to write me okay. I do not even know you but if I can help someone who is at the dark place I was once I will try my best to help. Take care and try to keep the positive energy you have on you!

Going home now but I will check in later ;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:29pm
Well he is gone. He had already put alot of stuff in storage so he was able to get the rest of it today. I had a good cry .......its so final this time. He cried and said he was sorry. Your words have so much truth to them. all of you who have responded. But you know how it is.......we take our pain and hug it and caress it, pull it up tight to us as if it is going to help and change things or as if we deserve this pain because we werent quite good enough for this man we loved. Not quite skinny enough, or didnt make enough money while we raised our little ones. I even begged him to stay and I didnt think I would do that. it was a last attempt to make all this go away. I will try to come back and respond to all of you. Thank you.
Your words have helped. I have some where to go.......somewhere where others can say they care. My adult son is here for a few weeks, that helps too but he cannot understand what I am going through completely.
I am not much help to anyone right now.........perhaps when I heal I can come back but right now I am looking through a dark sad cloud of despair.
Well at least the tension will be gone. I can get to work on my business. I just could not work as I kept crying everytime he walked by.
I know I could get another man .........but I dont want one. I wanted my husband and I wanted us to be happy together. I hope he finds happiness. Even though I hated him I loved him too........
(( Hugs )) to all of you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:36pm

I hate the way you're feeling..... BUT, when you say "I am not much help to anyone right now.........perhaps when I heal I can come back but right now I am looking through a dark sad cloud of despair."


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 5:56am
I know Karen that is so true. I am glad I have maybe helped someone by letting them know that I have probably gone through some of the same pain they have. My adult children had an hour long conversation today about how I had always been his emotional and verbal punching bag. I am just worried about the after effects of so many years of that. I guess I just love him because of the crumbs I received now and then. well maybe two little crumbs a day lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 8:18am

I am a lurker but Dolly I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Your feelings are something I have experienced as well. One minute I was crying because I hurt so bad knowing he was leaving to see OW and the other angry enough to throw something. But, in the end asking him to leave and starting over is the start to healing you have been looking for. It has been 7 years for me this year. I never thought I would make it the first 6 months. But each day I did not have to see him, did not have to speak to him, did not have to know that he was leaving to call her with some lame excuse about walking the dog I healed. Each day I got stronger. When I had down times when I wanted so badly to speak to him I would look in the mirror and remind myself that if I felt this way in 48 hours I would call him. I never felt that way longer than a day. You are also teaching him that you can not live this way any longer. A person has limits to how much emotional upheaval they can stand. When I was down to 89 lbs after 6 months of emotional upheaval I knew I needed to save ME. Noone else would. It was not a crime that I loved him and he had hurt me. I needed to stop being ashamed. In the end, I started realizing all the things that held me back were my own problems to deal with and he could not make them better or make them worse unless I let him do it. Though it was difficult to ask him to leave and possibly cut the last tie you have with each other for awhile you have made a stand and a choice to love yourself more than you love him. There is more out there and a light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve MORE and BETTER. If 6 months from now he comes back and wants to start over, you can do it on your terms and with more knowledge of who you are and what your limitations are. If you decide to never go back you will be able to do that without guilt because you are being true to yourself. Set a goal everyday for yourself. Without him in the equation. Try not to worry about the OW and what she is "winning". Remember, later on down the road you might actually feel sorry for her for what she has won. They never change really, just go through a honeymoon phase. He will eventually show his true colors to her too.

Be strong and hold on. Remember you are the most important person to you. Being healthy and emotionally strong are important for whatever YOU choose. Don't let them choose what you are feeling or what you are going to do anymore. Cry if you want, be angry if you want, but don't, if you can help it, let them be the deciding factor in your emotions. It is hard but you have a strong support system here. The strongest person you have is YOU...you can do it.

Kelly

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