Told him to move out today
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Told him to move out today
| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:47pm |
Well my stbx was going to stay here few more weeks as he has to pay things here till the end of April.......and he is getting ready to go on a extreme overtime job so we were trying to wait it out but I just cant take it. It hurts everytime I look at him. He went to look at a place and I said you need to go ahead and take it and he said well not that fast and sure enough I checked on our cell phone acct and he called her as soon as he got away from the house.
Even though he has hurt me terribly, ripped my heart out, (you can read my story look for my long post) I am not a mean person and he only has so much available funds but he can draw enough out of an acct to do it. He also probably wants to be here to spend time with our adult son who is moving out of state soon. I am so tired of him using me. and I consider that to be the case when it only means the difference of a few hundred dollars. He told me that is why he has been here this long cause our son was here. gee wonder why we made love and he told me he loved me so much?
I hope he didnt just use that for an excuse to call her. I keep crying off and on and its just hard on me to have him here. does anyone understand? I know we cant afford this but it will only be the difference of about 6 weeks rent for him.
I feel guilty now and know I shouldnt. I am sure he upset as he doesnt have a lap top and he emails her constantly when I go to bed. we keep different hours. I work for myself and I havent been able to work. My work ends up with tears all over it.
Does anyone have any ideas on why I feel guilty for making him move out now?
Even though he has hurt me terribly, ripped my heart out, (you can read my story look for my long post) I am not a mean person and he only has so much available funds but he can draw enough out of an acct to do it. He also probably wants to be here to spend time with our adult son who is moving out of state soon. I am so tired of him using me. and I consider that to be the case when it only means the difference of a few hundred dollars. He told me that is why he has been here this long cause our son was here. gee wonder why we made love and he told me he loved me so much?
I hope he didnt just use that for an excuse to call her. I keep crying off and on and its just hard on me to have him here. does anyone understand? I know we cant afford this but it will only be the difference of about 6 weeks rent for him.
I feel guilty now and know I shouldnt. I am sure he upset as he doesnt have a lap top and he emails her constantly when I go to bed. we keep different hours. I work for myself and I havent been able to work. My work ends up with tears all over it.
Does anyone have any ideas on why I feel guilty for making him move out now?

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He read about 1/4 of the book. his bookmark never changed again .......he admitted what he was and he didnt know if he would ever talk to his parents again and on and on. But he didnt finish the book and very very soon he was right back to his old self and never faltered.
I am so tired of all this .........as much as this hurt I dont see what taking him back someday could accomplish. I would just worry about the daily hurts continueing and another BIG one on his drawing board. But if I did he would have to get counseling, get on meds (I
believe he has a chemical imbalance also and that is some of his problem and why he acted like his mother. He said he is going with her as he just knows SHE is the woman who can make him happy. ummm tried to tell him no one can make you happy that is your job.
You know for the fun or just because I felt so alone and down I put a profile on yahoo personals. I did alot of searching and they all looked the same. And alot of them I thought they looked like abusers. I am not in a healthy frame of mind right now. I have decided to take it down and I want to give myself a year to learn who I am, to get healthy about my attitude toward myself, and toward men, to learn to respect myself again. It would be so wrong for me and the man for me to jump into a relationsip.
Yes that does hurt when they go to the store several times a day or walk the dog to death I mean that is an example of what they do and how desperate they act. Our cell phone will be in both our names for a while so I will probably check his minutes now and then. I dont know why ........it isnt going to change anything.
I like what you said about waiting 48 hours to call him. When he left I was crying so bad, we both were , I spose he felt sorry for me but when he left I said could you please call me in a couple days? I need a gradual change here. Now today I am thinking NO I dont want to talk to him.
Yes I think too that asking him to leave was a step toward my healing. and I just couldnt even get out of the starting gate with him here, calling her, and sneaking to do it, checking his emails all the time etc. It was like someone was throwing MUD in my face several times a day.
I had even thought of hanging onto him, keeping him here longer , having sex with him and thinking of her not even being able to see him let alone close interactions and I knew the more I thought about it that it would make gaping wounds in my heart. You know while he is telling her of his dying love for her, he would have continued an almost daily sexual affair with me. That got me to thinking, how real is his love anyway even if he says it?
I think this is a will to survive. As you said we can only take so much abuse and we just have to crawl up out of the mud.
I am feeling freer already, free to be myself, to respect myself, to be glad the pain is not ongoing anymore. And you are right, why let them win? if they know I am suffering and tearing myself up it would just make her feel luckier that she got such a catch and him feel more powerful and a stud man.
I will be so glad when I seldom think of him. I was in a 10 yr relationship before this one and he was caught in the parts room where he worked getting it on with a married woman. I almost destroyed myself but now when I think of HIM the first one, I feel nothing. he is just a person. The father of two of my children. but I might as well look at a stranger on the street. so yes time will heal and that makes me realise someday I will think that way about this one. He will not even be an issue in my life!!
You said... "My adult children had an hour long conversation today about how I had always been his emotional and verbal punching bag. I am just worried about the after effects of so many years of that."
If anyone ever questions "staying for the kids" and thinks that the kids will never know the whole truth of what their parents' relationship is like.... this statement.... screams otherwise.
They always say that hindsight is 20/20... and it sounds like to me that if your children are intuitive enough to see this... and talk to you about it... and I presume it was in encouraging you that life would be better apart from their dad... I think they'll be just fine... and so will you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
yes.........they can overcome. And I think it depends on the circumstances ....He was a good dad though a terrible enabler. If I tried to get them to do chores he would jump in and do them for them I wonder if that was to make me look like the BAD parent and him the God? I wanted to teach them responsibility before they went out in to the world you know.
I have explained alot to them. You see I am well read on the subject.......and even then I still love him and stayed but I will not ever go back again.
I think one reason I took his leaving for the OW so bad was it was added to the many years of emotional and verbal abuse. You know kind of like the big whammy at the end. The last few years I often would say if he messed up, would say things like THAT is not acceptable behaviour, etc. maybe I became too strong to let him play the games so much so he had to gt rid of me. Find a new victim. The submissive wife. That isnt so bad if they man doesnt abuse you ..... This new woman told him she would live whereever he wants to live, she will have sex anytime he asks etc etc. Well we have a small house and my adult son has been here so we only could have sex once a week when he was gone ...and I always lived wherever his jobs took him. uprooted the home and the kids always. But she is better?
Ha boy I cant even start talking and I go back to the same old rants. Surely this too shall pass LOL
I have worried about my kids as far as long term effects. and I am sure there are some but they are 28 and 24 and have never done drugs, never had a car wreck, never been in trouble, do not drink often.
But believe me no matter how a man makes his wife look to the kids they will eventually see the truth.
Good Morning dolly
I see you made it through the night and all is well. See as each minute passes soon they become days then weeks and you are on the road to healing even if it doesn't feel like it now. I see me in some of your posts about how what they did does not matter as long as you can have them in your home and your life is the same as it was. See that is why he is he way he is with you and my ex was that way with me because no matter what he did he knew he could always come back to Diana because she would always be there for me. You know he did everything you could imagine to me and I mean everything ladies. except lay me on the ground and take pee in my face and I still took him back but then that last time was the straw that broke my back not the camels MINE. I just had and AHAAAA moment and decided to work on me!
Dolly try to read the book codependent no more by melonie beatty I think? It's been so long but that helped me tremedously through all this. I think a lot of us on here have read it and can agree it helps us understand why we feel the need to feel needed and if we do not we feel we have no purpose? Its weird how if our title isn't wife we feel we can neglect who we are and we are lead to believe we are not worthy to just care about our selves. Crazy I know but its the truth. Dolly you mentioned you were going to check his minutes, please try not to torture your self any more. You know what his intentions were and he left to be with her but what he doesn't understand is it is not that easy for he to just leave and be with him is it? Isn't she married and has a family? Believe me it is not as clean catch as just packing and leaving. Once it comes down to it she will have some hesitance in doing it. Hey from what you tell us she isn't getting such a prize any way and what does he have to offer her? Love that is 30 years old well people change and times change and surly they can't just up and move in this world today. See he is looking at the feelings he thinks he is having but in normal everyday life we all know it is not as it seems, nothing is ever at it seems. I guarantee you it will all come crashing down at one time or another and he will be all alone. Think about what Dr. Phil says is so true. " If he will do it with you, he will do it to you " vise verse in his case. Look something that starts off bad never ends up good. They are liers and cheaters and will pay the ultimate price in the end karma is a b#@!% we all know that. Oh it happened to my ex twice already with two women and guess who he wanted to talk to and vent too because his life was a mess. ME! but I stood my ground and said that is your problem when I was crying my heart out at you and you closed the door on me while I was laying on the living room floor curled up in a ball in pain you still started up your truck and drove off to be with her so now you must deal with your own mess you made. I hung up the phone and he said he thought how awful he treated me and asked me for forgiveness for our children and I said for them I will forgive you but for me I can't because what you took away from me took me a long, very long time to over come but once I did I never will look at you the same way again. See that hurt him and he has to live with that the rest of his life knowing that he hurt the mother of his kids. He told our oldest daughter that he wishes that I would forgive him so he can move on and her answer to him was find another woman and it should be pretty easy! He told he that was worse than me not forgiving him. Our children are very blunt and out spoken, actually we all are and nothing is ever not said if we are feeling it we say it. I don't know how good that is. In the end dolly you will be looking back at weeks of healing and finding out what dolly wants. This is your life and god only gives us one time to enjoy it so to spend another minute of the last 28 years on this man that has hurt you more than enough times is like gambling your savings away. Take these years you have left and enjoy what you never did while being his wife. I know there are so many things you would have liked to do but being his wife and waiting for him was all you've done. That was me so I know..... ahhhh geez what I am doing now with my life is great. I finished my degree and graduated not too long ago with my masters. The funny thing is I am not even using it in my job right now but to know I have it is great enough. I also do crafts and when I get an occasional order I make a little extra money for my bahamas vacation box. Me and my hubby now go every two years. It is great to be in a relationship that is TRUE AND TRUST WORTHY. I do and come and go as I please with no worry about what he thinks at all. See I forgot in my marriage with my ex that I was an adult and not one of his kids. This is getting long and I want to go play bingo. I will check back later okay. Go get made up dolly and go for a drive or to the mall and window shop it will take your mind off of the situation. Take care and yes we all are strangers but the sad part is we are tied by knowing the same heartache. Hey if that what it takes then that is okay with me. (((((HUGS))))) Sorry about the spelling but I am in a hurry or I will miss my BINGO!!!! Talk to you soon!
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