Told my kids yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Told my kids yesterday
7
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:17am
They are 7, 9, and 2. I sat my son and daughter down yesterday and told them that in a month or two we would have to sell our house because we could no longer pay for it. Right away she cried and said she didn't want to move and then asked repeatedly if the whole family was coming. I gently told her no daddy would get his own apartment and she started kicking and screaming in my lap telling me she didn't want to hear anymore. It was awful. My 2 yr old son came in the room looking worried and I quietly told her she was scaring him. She calmed down and I held and rocked her and just told her that even she knew things hadn't been right for awhile. I sleep on the couch and they have asked me why me and their daddy don't hug and kiss anymore. So then we started talking about how great it will be to have their own rooms. They share a room now and to have a room at each apartment. They seem pretty ok. My 7 yr old son just sat on my lap after his sister was ok and said that sometimes when things change he gets a funny feeling inside like he doesn't like it and he wants it to go back the way it was but then he gets use to it.
It was hard and I just keep seeing her kicking and screaming and crying. It's a moment burned in my heart forever. The moment I broke her heart.
M
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:12am

I am so sorry. As parents we hold a lot of responsibility and you faced something that no parent ever wants to have to do. It sounds like you handled it with a great deal of love and tenderness. Hang in there.

(((((Hugs)))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:47am
I know what you are going through. My ex and I were suppose to tell our daughter together but he chose to go in to work that weekend which left me looking and feeling like the 'bad guy'. My only advice is to make sure you keep smiling even when you want to cry. I think that my daughter managed so well because I was the great pretender, always in a good mood around her and also allowing her the freedom to be hurt, angry and sad. Just keep talking and let them know that you are responsible for them and not the other way around. No matter what happens to you and your spouse the love that you two share for them will never diminish. They just want and need to feel certain about something at this time and as I told my little one, the only certain thing that I can give her is my love and commitment to be the best mommy that I can be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:55pm
I've told them over and over that the way a parent loves a child is different from the love between a husband and a wife and that our love for them can never change. They know they can talk to me or cry or be angry and I will listen and talk to them about it. I did cry when my daughter reacted but I try and be positive for them. They are all that matters right now.
M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:50pm
(((Hugs))) to you. I know it's heartbreaking to you to see your kids upset and struggling with this. My kids miss their home very much, but I'm doing all I can to make their new home (at my Mom's for now) fun and mostly it's safe and peaceful. (not like being at home with Daddy). Just give them lots of hugs and love and make their new home feel exciting and fun! Having their own rooms should be exciting! Good luck to you and more (((hugs)))!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:02am

That is tough to break to kids, not just the divorce but all that comes with it.

I had a pretty similar experience with my kids, and they were close in age to your older kids when their daddy and I split up. Both kids cried and wanted to know why. It's hard to explain to them and I can understand why kids take it so hard. Their mom and dad are the center of their world and it breaks their world in two when they are no longer together. Their home is about to change.

I don't take a whole lot of consolation in this because I am sure my son will go through another sad or angry phase, but the other day my son said that it is cool having 2 places to live and he said on another occasion that he hopes that I can find another really cool dad for him. This shocked me at first. I know he loves his dad, but he said he meant it more like I might as well find someone, and it would be good to have a man around my house too. At first I thought that he was unhappy with his father, but to my surprise he seemed at least for the moment to be at peace with us and looking forward to a future even if it wasn't like he planned. And really, it was so sweet when he said I deserved somebody good.

It is amazing at how kids can still cope. Your 7 year old sounds like he has the mechanism. What your son said amazed me like my son did. Kids are so much smarter than they can often communicate, and when they are able to find the words it really is amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:50am

Dear M,

Your post brought back this day for me as well, and it definitely goes down as one of the worst days of our lives as parents. My stbx took the cowards way out, and choose not to be present when I told our children last October, that we were getting a divorce. My situation was a little different in that he had already been out of the house for a couple of months, but the shock, and pain in their eyes was still there, kind of a finality in their lives, and the uncertainty of what is to come.

I have learned over time, that our children's behavior is very reflective of how we handle these changes as adults. If we stay calm, rational, and handle things with strength, our children will feed off of that, and will be comforted. For those of us who have told our children without our spouses present, we should never feel like the "bad guy," (and since my stbx had an affair, which is what broke up our marriage, I refuse to be the bad guy). We become our children's rock and pillar. For all the anger and pain they feel now, and no many how many times we might be the brunt of that anger because we are the parent that is present more often in their lives, I am confident that as they get older, it will strengthen their relationship with us. They know who was there for them, they know who helped them through the difficult times, they know who was honest with them, and they know who they can depend on. I realize it's not about a parenting contest when parents get divorced, but children need stability in their lives, and more often than not, I would guess one parent is there more often to provide that.

For me, it's about being the best parent I can be, showing my children my continued strength, being the best role model I can be, and providing them with the best possible life from this point on, that I possibly can. My stbx is on his own in developing his relationship with our children.

You sound like you handled things very well, and there will be tough times ahead as you go through this transition. Parenting alone is very challenging, but it also can build character and strength in us that we often didn't know we had.

Good luck.

(((TIS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:39am
I felt like the bad guy for far too long. I left the home for many reasons (BIL had moved in, 8 year incomplete home renovations still undone, not being able to buy him out...) so my DD always told me that I broke the family up. Unfortunately my ex never had the "it's no one’s fault" talk with her like I asked him to far too many times. Finally I just told her that I was no longer going to feel guilty for what happened and that if she wants to continue to blame me, she could but it would not change what happened and me and daddy were not going to get back together. I told her that no matter what, I love her more than life and that no matter what she can ALWAYS count on me. It still does hurt sometimes but as I heard someone say; "if we treat them as they are broken they will be". I think that after hearing that I was ready to move past my daily dose of self inflicted pain.