Tomorrow is the day (very long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tomorrow is the day (very long)
9
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 5:20pm

Hello everyone. I am new to this board. I have been reading EAS and Domestic Abuse for quite sometime now. I have decided to divorce my husband.

This was not an easy decision. He doesn't hit me, He doesn't abuse the children. He is an alcoholic and i believe, emotionally abusive: all he does is drink and is unable to support his family. I am on the verge of bankruptcy and i can no longer pay my mortgage or other bills. He took a much lower paying job, (he was an executive vp for a large company) because he couldn't handle the stress. Truth be told, he was fired from 4 six figure jobs, went to work in a home improvement store and is now selling cars. He is/was content to spend half of his paycheck twice a month on booze. My checking/savings accounts are in the negative and i now have family members sending me money so i can put food on the table for my children. I've exhausted my 401K's and mutual funds. I've refinanced our home to the point where the mortgage is insanely high. I have 5 credit cards that are completely maxed out. We've sold some of property to pay our bills, and i am on the verge of consigning my engagement ring and other jewlery to pay our bills. I have always worked full-time with the exception of 2.5 years when we relocated for his job. 2 weekends ago, i wrote him a letter and told him to pack his belongings and leave. I then took my children (15 & 10), both dogs and went to my parents for the weekend. On my return trip, he called me to inform me that he checked himself into an alcohol treatment facility. He was looking for pity. He was there for 3 days. Upon discharge, he was encouraged to find himself a sponsor, and either attend aa meetings or attend the outpatient treatment at the facility he was admitted to. That was a week ago. While he has not had a drink, he certainly hasn't bothered to make a change in his life.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. My husbands parents were both alcoholics. His mother actually died from the disease. My husbands brother is an alcoholic. Both of his grandfathers were alcoholics. I am making a stand and breaking the circle. I will not have my children grow up in a house where the bottle is more important to their father than their sporting events, ballet recitals, awards ceremonies, etc.

Now for me. I am scared as hell. I married him when i was 20, i am now 40. I have never lived alone. I'm sure i loved him at one point, but i married him to escape a less than desirable home life. (stated above, my parents had huge issues) I'm not sure i can make it on my own, but then again, i've been on my own for the past 5 years. He's just been coexisting in my home. I want a partner, i want a friend, a father to our children, a lover, someone who will go for a walk with me, hold my hand, be attentive to the kids. is this a fantasy?

He has drank excessivley all during our marriage, but the past 5 years have been particularly bad. He blames me for everything. I am not perfect by any sense. I had a 14 month affair with a married man, who also has two children. (my husband doesn't know about the affair.) Ironically, he's an alcoholic as well. I'm not sure why i had the affair. I guess because I wanted someone who would hold me and make me feel special; not come up to the bedroom drunk, screw me, then go get another drink and pass out on the couch. I blame myself for our situation, however my therapist tells me that my affair did not cause the alcoholism.

I went to an AA meeting last night by accident, (i took a wrong hallway while looking for Al-Anon). When i was leaving the house my husband asked where i was going. I told him, he smirked and said "have fun!" Have Fun!! are you F**king kidding me. My therapist said that i am doing the right thing divorcing him, my priest said i am doing the right thing, my parents, my step-mother-in-law, my sister, my friends, my coworkers, my son, and two total strangers at AA have all told me i am doing the right thing. so why do i still feel the need to seek approval? Please respond and tell me if you have had a similar situation and that i am doing the right thing. Tell me it's going to be ok, but difficult. Remind me that is one day at a time and that i cannot save him any longer. Tell me my children will not hate me.

Sorry this is so long. I hope i haven't rambled on incoherently.

C.

(not edited for grammar or spelling-- sorry)

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 7:22pm

I have been in your situation e-mail me through my profile.
You will be surprised at the simularities.

Hugs to you it is very hard but you can do it.

Put the boards name so I do not mistake it for spam

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 8:04pm

Hello there Itsnotabadidea.....whatabadidea!!

As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but see the resemblence both of us have in our lives. Here's a bit about me: My STBXH and I were married 17 years ago. I had just turned eighteen, he was 21. I needed to leave a very bad home life or life was gonna get worse! My father is an druggie and an alkie, my birth mother died of the disease when she was 31. I do drink, but not all the time. My STBXH wasn't abusive physically, but emotionally and mentally he controlled the show! We started out so poor we needed someone to let us borrow the two pennies to rub together (if you get the idea!) But over the years he made a decent income. We bought a home for our 3 children, had nice vehicles, dressed well but today we have nothing. Everything we have is in storage.
He started with beer, then the occasional line and then now to full blown crystal meth use. I filed for divorce last year 8-17-05 --> my birth mother's birthday. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go back to school so that I could take the stress off of him, working weekends and late on the week nights. But he didn't see it that way. He said "the only reason you want to go back to school is so you could divorce me." He was always telling me that I had the drug problem and that I was crazy and that I needed professional help. So, I sought professional help. My therapist said that I had some mild depression but he spotted the red flag--drugs long before I would admit it! Not too long after that my sister moved in "to help out." But she too, used and abused right along with him. I caught them tapping something blue and pink out on my dryer at 2am on a week night! to this day neither one will tell me what "it" was. I kicked them both out! After I made him move out, he went over the edge. He drank constantly, if he used drugs, it wasn't any of my business. He bought a new Nissan Altima and totaled it 2 months later in a DUI. Today he is still paying for the consequences of that night. I could go on and on and on........ but you get the idea. Eventually, I lost the home I was renting. My kids and I were left to live with a friend of mine and then with family. I hate living like a nomad, I would love some normalcy. An apartment with a kitchen, a steady income (b-cuz fahter of the year doesn't pay child support) but I am making small changes. I went back to school and I am divorcing him. I work part time and attend classes full time!

There are some things that we have to do for ourselves and for the betterment of our families. No one can make the decision for you but you can do it!

Best Wishes and hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 8:07pm

I can understand a lot of what you've said as well. My STBX is not an alcoholic, but his behaviour is similar in ways. My father was an alcoholic, so I understand the troubles that plague children of alcoholics firsthand. I wish my mother had left my father. She never has. I applaud your strength and courage.

To be honest, you don't need to justify the move to anyone except yourself. No one who knows your situation will condemn you for leaving it. Yet we all tend to condemn ourselves for leaving abusive relationships. It's highly ironic.

Take good care of yourself. You'll be finer than fine once the turmoil settles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:14am

"he smirked and said "have fun!" "


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:46am

thank you for your kind words. i am freaking out this morning. i wrote him a letter (again) and left it on the drivers seat with a book of AA meetings. i was afraid to tell him face to face, because he blames me for everything. he will call me names and make me feel inadequate, responsible, and wrong.

i told my dd last night that we had to sell the house due to financial reasons. i haven't told her about the divorce yet. her sweet little face twisted up and the tears started. it was very difficult to tell her. i hugged her tight, told her that i loved her more than anything, even chocolate chip cookies. i hope my children don't hate me. my ds is 15 and a little more understanding. but he still cried. no one wants to come from a broken home. but maybe it's already broken, and i am trying my best to fix it.

i hope i have made the right decision.

christine

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:50am

C-
You and your kids are going to be just fine. My situation is similar, but not. The emotional and verbal abuse is just as painful as any physical abuse. For me, once I got out it was easier. I only had two kids and a dog instead of three kids and a dog. Or maybe that should be two kids and two dogs. Once the divorce starts, it gets harder before it gets easier. As a family unit, we didn't struggle financially as you have. He always had his parents with their pocket-books wide open to the golden child son who hasn't ever done anything wrong in his life. He is going to start making you all kinds of promises and even for a short time will change his life. For me, it was still too late. I was glad to see him improving his life, but it didn't make me want a marriage with him. Mine also seems to have some sort of memory problems, because he doesn't seem to remember all of the mean hateful things that he would say to me to get me to do what he wanted. For you being married for so long, you will always love him. Just not in the romantic way that a wife should. I tell mine all of the time that I am out of the rescue business, it is time for him to find another survival guide. Good luck and I'm pulling for you.

Denece

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:58am

And your children will never hate you!!!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 4:59pm

Hi,

You're well on your way to taking care of yourself because you recognize the family history and the pattern. Breaking that pattern is going to be hard because you don't know any other pattern. Please keep going to Al-Anon so you can get the support you need to deal with the alcoholic issues. You may divorce your husband but his influence and that of your family history is tagging along. Coping skills are necessary. :)

First things first in getting on your own. Determine your living arrangements as best as you can and do what you need to do to take care of your children. Good legal advice is always necessary. Check with your local office of Legal Aid to see if you qualify for services. Also, find out if you can qualify for public aid. (That's what its there for!) so you can buy groceries and get medical care, if needed.

Second, try not to worry about another relationship right now. You're a far cry from being ready to engage another partner. Focus on you. Take a minute to think about what it is you've always wanted to do. Find ways to do it. That might not be practical right now, but its important to have something to look forward to.

Living on your own can be daunting but it can also be a gift. Look upon this as the chance to make your life what YOU want it to be.

Stay in touch with the board.

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 1:16pm

Wisdom,

thanks for your insight. i am looking forward to living alone. i need the space. I did file for divorce on tuesday. i informed my h tuesday morning, in writing, of my intent to file. i don't think he believes me. i guess when he gets served papers, it will hit him. his behavior is so bizzare. i told him tuesday night that while i still loved him as the father of our children, i could not longer continue to live in our situation. i told him to take his time finding a place to live. (i originally told him to be out by this weekend.)

i told him that i spoke to both attorneys, the bankruptcy attorney, and MY attorney about our situation. i told him what the recommendations were and how to proceed. he just looks at me with this blank stare, like he doesn't understand what i am saying. is he messing with my head, or has he fried all of his brain cells. i am very confused.

what