too confused to think

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
too confused to think
2
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 10:43pm

Hi all,

This is my first post here. Let me give you some background info. I have been married for 14 years with 3 kids. Ages 9, 11, 12. We separated in Sept of 04, I was unhappy and so was he and had been for a long time.

He began a relationship in Feb with someone. He says he broke it off with her when we decided to get back together. I have since met and talked with the OW. She was very honest with me. She confirmed a lot of things that I already knew. She says she broke it off with him because he was lying to her and to me and she told him not to call. Three days after me and him began working it out he called her a total of 9 times. She told me that again she told him to stop calling her.

My biggest problem with him during the marriage was his lying. I wanted to make our family whole again and work it out with him. However, now I find these things out. I feel like second best. That he wanted to still be with her. He tells me daily he loves me and denies any feelings for anyone else. (OF COURSE). I am hurt and confused. We have been back together for 2 months.

What do I do now? How do I handle this? I know that I am not a stupid person...but I sure feel like one.

Any advice would be great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 3:38pm
It's very difficult to believe in someone and trust them when they continually lie.
Hard as it may be, you need to give yourself more space and time away from him to see how you would do on your own.
The fact is that if he lied to you and to his OW, he will continue to lie. You cannot build a relationship on lies and mistrust.
He needs counseling to find out why he can't be honest with women.
You need time to feel better about yourself.
Consider a separation again and then go to counseling together. Or not.
It's a difficult decision all around.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 4:03pm

Hi there..... it does take a lot of time and dedication to you on his part to validate to you that he's sincere in what he's saying.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~