this is too fast for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
this is too fast for me
5
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 12:46pm

Hi all, I need some help I am having a rough morning. just to tell you where i am at, my husband told me 2 wks ago he wants a divoce, we have been separated for about a month. He was very explicit, doesn't love me, can't see living with me, wants a divorce and I am having a really hard time with it.
he works with a woman who i have been jealous of since we separated who is single and has a 9 yo daughter. last night, STBX and my DS (3 yo) went bowling with her and her daughter and today i think they are going to the zoo together.
my husband swears there is nothing going on with them, that he knows it's too soon for our son to see him with another woman in an affectionate way, but he did admit to me on thursday that he is "interested" in her and can see something down the road, but nothing right now.
i'm totally cracked....it is bad enough that he is interested in someone else, is already ready to replace me and we aren't even divorced yet. it hurts even more that she is important enough to him that he wants our son to have a relationship with her...i am so jealous. i feel like it's bad enough she has my husband, she can't have my son too.

the stupidest thing, is that i know that my husband and i are not a good match for each other. i know that when i am sad about him i am mourning what i wanted him to be, what i wanted our life to be, how i wanted my sons' lives to be. i KNOW all this, but i still can't stop this raging jealousy.

i think part of it is that my husband hadn't wanted to do family things with me or our son in a long time. i think over the last year we did two or three things together, the rest of the time he was working or playing golf. so it hurts me that he wants to do family things with my son and this woman.

i know i have to get over it. i mean, he doesn't love me. that is why he wants to bring another woman around to share our son, that is why he wants to do family things.

i am not ready to date or even think about wanting anybody else (not to mention that i'm pregnant!!! so it's going to be a while before i even can date anybody, assuming i'll want to again someday). but i just feel like if STBX could understand how terrifying it is to have someone else there potentially filling his role, or if he knew i was "interested" in someone, would he be jealous?? would it make him think twice about what he is walking away from? probably not, but it makes me feel so small and worthless that he can leave our marriage, start seeing someone else, without even trying to work things out. he has refused to go to counseling....now i'm rambling.

thanks for letting me get this out..
bridget

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2002
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:11pm

Hi Bridget,

I can relate to you. My husband after 7 years left me on 1/1/05, and our divorce was final this past Monday, and it still hurts. He says there is no one, but he confided in a female friend at his work, and I still think she had a part to do with this whole thing. He still thinks he did nothing wrong on his part. I cant imagine what it must be like to have a child and have one on the way, because we never had kids. Just try to do stuff for yourself.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 4:33pm

Okay....

I can totally understand where you're coming from, especially with feeling like this OW is taking your DS away, etc.

Here's the thing. I beat myself up over this all the time. My ex NEVER wanted to do family things, be with me and my dd, etc. Now, all of a sudden, he wants to play house with another woman and my dd. It just angers me so much at times. However, I know that no matter what, I will always be my dd's mother. No one can or ever will take my place. And when it comes right down to it, I'm the one that's going to have the greatest influence in her life...I'm the one she spends almost every waking moment with, I'm the one who takes care of her, etc. It's just the same way with you and your ds. And don't you think that maybe your ex will get tired of playing house, especially since he didn't want to be involved in a real family when he had it?

This is a hard time for you, especially while being pregnant. But, you have to try and be strong, and everything will eventually work out. One day, you'll wake up, and this will only be a part of your past, a part that you've learned from. As for other men, just take it slow. There's someone out there that will be good to you and your children. But I wouldn't go looking for them now...just take it one day at a time. Get your thoughts and bearings together, and just take care of you and your son.

Being jealous is completely normal. I feel the little green eyed monster creeping in on me numerous times when I think about my ex and his girlfriend(s). But, I know that my life is going and is so much better now that he's not in it. He's no longer here to call me names and play on all my insecurities. Wanting what was supposed to be is totally normal as well. I just wanted my ex to be a good husband and father....I wanted the ideal marriage....and he didn't want the responsibility. I tend to hold on to the "what if's" rather that what actually was. It takes some time to get over, but you eventually will.

Be strong and take care of you! Lots of luck....lots of hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 11:23pm

Hi. I also know how you feel. My husband became involved with someone within 2 months of our separation. The hardest part of it is that her name is the same as mine and she has kids. In 10 years, I could not get my husband to give me a straight answer about having children. I know that I am also to blame for hanging in there, but he let me waste my child bearing years 30-40 and would not talk to me about kids and the first thing he does is get involved with a woman and her kids? Rumor has it that he is already engaged and we are not even divorced. The strangest part of all is that I thought my husband was a total loner. He seemed to always want to be alone at our home. He was home, he was just in another room. He kept telling me that some people are just not meant to be married. Why did he come on strong when we dated? He was a totally different man. Why did he even want to get married in the first place? I did find out that he may have been addicted to internet pornography. It's very hard to make peace with my marriage of ten years. I was hoping that we could work things out by separating. I never expected him to just immediately get involved with someone. I really don't think he even knew her before we separated. It seems that he got involved with the first woman that he was introduced to. He did not even date. There is no closure.

Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 4:46pm

Lost,

I could have written your post! My husband (or STBX) says he doesn't want to be married. But he came after me all those years ago, he was the one who really wanted to get married. Now he is like a stranger, the only thing is that he *looks* just like the man who loved me and wanted to get married. Our tenth anniversary would have been in June.

And he is cheating on me.

He doesn't want to do anything with me. Sometimes he's nasty, sometimes he treats me like a casual acquaintance. It's all happened so fast, but I think I'm over the shock now.

I always thought divorce was sleazy, now I will be divorced myself in awhile.

You never know what life will bring.

Barb in IL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 10:59pm

Hi Barb. I know what you mean. I never thought I would be divorced with no family at age 40. I figured that I would have 2 teenagers by now. You really never do know what life will bring. My husband also treated me like a casual aquaintance. Actually, he treated others a lot better than me. He was always ready to run and help others, but I could not even get him to change a light bulb. What is it? Were we a challenge? Was it just the thrill of the chase? Even still, why get married? Why not just pursue someone until you get them and then dump them; you don't have to go so far as to marry them.

My 10th anniversary was in March. It is hard. I'll be thinking of you.

Lost