torn apart
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| Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:05pm |
I've never posted on here but I thought I would pose this to people going through what I am. I've been separated from my ex since June. We have two children, three years old and four years old. He filed for divorce about a month ago and I counter filed. He wants joint custody but he wants managerial custody (pretty much the main parent). If he got this I would be the more stereotypical dad role with every other weekend and Thursdays.
I'm absolutely torn up inside because a part of me just can't fight it. I want my children to be with me the majority of the time and I want to be the managerial parent, but I can't afford some big trial and I have some strikes against me. Nothing that would get my children taken away from me, but I have been hospitalized for mental illness and diagnosed with a mental illness. A part of me knows, no matter what, I will always be their mother and it doesn't matter and I just want to lie down and give up. I can't take the ups and downs and the unknowns. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I feel that if you have been diagnosed with mental illness, the pressure is over the top on you right now. Might be a good thing to allow this for a given time allowing you to deal with your situation and maybe even get better if it is possible, making you less of a risk so to speak. You need to be a very stable person to be a parent, not saying you aren't, but a break migh be just what the doctor ordered. Make certain there is a line in the agreement stating that this is a trial arraingment for maybe a years time.
Hurt's inside I know, but might be what you and the family needs for a little while.
Tom
Hugs, Brenda
You'll have to seriously consider what is BEST for your children. Sometimes it IS best for kids to be with Dad. Sometimes best with Mom. Only you can make that decision, and I suggest you do that with a counsellor. Know that it would be an uphill battle for Dad to get full custody of kids that young unless Mom might be unstable. It all depends on your diagnosis and the current state of whatever your illness is. A treated or "in remission" mental illness does not usually prevent a parent from joint custody. Also be prepared to pay your ex child support should you decide he should be named custodial parent. I urge you to research the family law code in your state.
If you sincerely believe it is best for your children to be with Dad primarily then that is a noble and selfless decision for which you should be commended. If you sincerely believe that they are best off with Mom primarily, then be prepared for him to fight. Don't make the mistake that I did and underestimate my ex's desire for revenge. I had to fight a long, painful and costly fight to retain joint custody. For me, it was worth it.
Based on my personal experience, I found more help from the psychological/counselling profession as to custody matters than I found through the legal system. I strongly suggest you look around for a psych. that has training in co-parenting/divorce issues. There are many.
Of course you're confused, that's very normal. Keep coming back to these sites for emotional support and definitely see your psychologist as well as getting legal advice. My sympathy and my best wishes go out to you during this very hard time for you.
Cupcake