Total guilt trip & breakdown ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Total guilt trip & breakdown ....
8
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 8:10pm

I dont know why i just let this get to me, its been weeks since i cried at all over this - maybe months. I have felt so free & strong & on a great road to freedom, & one phone message from him & it all crumbles. We have been able to communicate really sanely & well the past couple weeks overall & it is SO much better than this stressful crap.


Tonite STBX (M) has Ave overnite for the 2nd try (1st time she wanted to come home & she did, last Sat, instead of staying overnite.) She was a bit nervous & kept asking me last nite & today, "you will pick me up really early, right?" (i dont think its her DAD per say,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:50pm

Sorry about what you are going through but this is kind of off the beaten path...but I saw your daughter's name and was suprised.

My STBX and I were together almost 16 yrs started when we were 16 & 17 now I am going to be 34.

We have almost 5yr old daughter (I kicked him out last Jan. because of him not working like what you went through and because he thought it was ok to stay out all night long just cuz) Never thought he would cheat but when I kicked him out last Jan.'04 he was lonely and slept with his sis-n-law (not just saying but she looks like a dude) and well they had a baby together last December. Although he lied to me about all year long. Hate him. Sorry I do.

But back to your daughters name:

When STBX and I were together (first) like for the 1st year we always said when we have a daughter she would be named Avery. Then like 1,000 years later I got prego and at the time we were not together and I wanted a boy sooooooo bad because I am a daddy's girl and I didn't want to have a girl so that "he could have a daddy's girl". I know sounds stupid. So when I found out our DD was a girl I balled and balled and he said "But remember that is our Avery" and I said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I DON'T WANT A GIRL!!! YOU CAN NAME HER I DON'T CARE!!!" I know bash me for being awful.

So my STBX name is Eliseo and he is the 4th. So I thought about it and thought about it and decided to name her after her daddy

Elise

Hence my connection to you sorta with Avery and Elise.

Just thought I would share this.....

FeliciaRG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:23pm

Hi Rebecca, Strange coincidence, I read your post then the first response about your dd's name, and my dd is named Rebecca. Just thought I'd mention that.

I've never posted on this board and really only lurked a few times but I read your post and feel your pain. Our kids are older and our two boys (9 & 5) love to visit their Dad because they have a great time. Lots of X-box... but they also come home and tell me I need to shop for food for him, because he doesn't have any in his apt. The last time they visited my 5yo actually came home (Sunday) still in the same clothes he wore to preschool Thursday. My stbx went Chapter 7 in April, and I've had a really hard time getting child support from him. I have been a SAHM of 3 for 12 years so I've struggled financially since we separated over a year ago. I did also have a (small) inheritance from my mother but that is long gone now.

What is it with these men who are unable to take care of themselves? My stbx was always the breadwinner but was incapable of doing ANYTHING else to take care of himself, and now that I no longer do it his mother has been taking care of him. He is a 44 year old man and his 66 year old mother actually goes to his apt. to clean his toilets and feed our kids on the rare occasion that he actually keeps them overnight! I just find it amazing.
It is the nurturer in you that makes you feel guilty for not taking care of him but honestly, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his finances, and his child IS a financial responsibility Your nurturing nature probably makes you an amazing nurse! But you also are probably not doing him any favors by continuing to accept responsibilty for his bills, because at some point he will have to become independent. You also mentioned his drinking, and that was also a big problem in my marriage. My ex never grew past the stage of hanging around bars and shooting pool and drinking beer all night. I kept thinking he would grow up but he unfortunately never did.

Also I have been able to save some lawyer's fees by communicating via email, I still get charged for the correspondence but it takes less time, I guess because my atty does her research and gets back to me, and it's only one contact as opposed to two by phone.

Anyway, I'm so glad to have found this board if only to see I'm not the only one surviving an insane divorce! I'm sorry to be so rambling. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 1:19am

Wow! That IS so cool about the names!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 1:21am

You are SO right. I am linking lots of discussion here about it as well, with some good ideas too!


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psdivorce&msg=4116.1

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:10am

Rebecca-

Your ex reminds me of mine in so many ways. The whole time we were together, he always made $150 or so a pay less than me. Always complaining about his job and how he was treated, but refused to look for a new one or get training, etc. But all our extra money seemed to go toward things he wanted - electronics, etc. After our breakup, he was depressed and unemployed for a year. Refused to agree to anything, threatened to declare bankruptcy. Pulled numerous guilt trips over me "putting him out", him having to pay bills, how bad things were for him, etc. Meanwhile I'm barely paying the bills and end up having to move in with roommates, but it was all about him and how tough life was for him. Even though our breakup was caused by his infidelity and years of emotional abuse (he even made me feel guilty because he felt so bad about what he had done - him crying about having cheated on me and me comforting him and feeling bad for poor him).

But I gradually started to see how he was manipulating me, and stopped reacting the way he wanted me to (by either arguing with him or giving him sympathy), the number of guilt trips started to reduce. He started to pull himself together and miraculously when his unemployment ran out he was suddenly able to work again and found a job the same week. Now he's living with OW, and has a new job where he's making more $$ than me. You'd never believe he's the same guy who was such a mess a few years ago.

As long as you let him manipulate your feelings, he will. If you don't draw the line and refuse to fall for any of his guilt trips, every inch you give is just going to make him advance and try to take more from you. I know how hard it is to stop feeling sorry for him and making excuses for him and trying to help him. But no matter how much you give or how reasonable you try to be, he will always expect more. And try to make you feel like you're the unreasonable and unfair person. Sure things are tough financially for him right now, but he can live on the money he's making if he keeps to a tight budget and cuts some corners. And if he finds it's too tight, he can get a better job or take on a second job. If he were someone else's ex, knowing all you know about him and what he's done, would you feel sorry for him, or would you tell 'you' to stop cutting him so much slack?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:31am
That IS the BEST way to look at it ... if he were someone ELSES X, what would i be saying? "Tell him to GET A LIFE!!!!!!"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:33am
Ok! Thanks everyone for the for the kick you know where! ... must be PMS. I am SO over it right now. & listen to THIS< the big

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:59am

Feel sorry for him?????? No way!


He keeps telling you that this is what "YOU" wanted, but in fact..... you cannot let yourself forget that you had no other good options because of HIS actions.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~