Toxic Mutual Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Toxic Mutual Friends
6
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 12:21am


I divorced an alcoholic, self-absorbed, womanizing, verbally and emotionally abusive jerk last year. His drinking and womanizing cost him his flying job and me.

We knew this guy named Eddie (not his real name) from college several years ago. We all settled in the same community and he married a girl named Teri (also, not her real name). No one liked Teri because she was bossy and controling, but he married her anyway 3 years ago and both the ex and I were in the wedding. Teri latched on to me right away. As couples go, we were close, going to dinners and events together. Teri continued to be annoying and started being very competitve. Everything we bought from our house to vacations, give it a week or a month and Teri would show up with something better. Again, everyone in our group of friends just tolerated her. We couldn't wait to get away from her some nights. She tells everyone that I am her best friend. I don't know what to say to that when she tells people because I never felt that way.

After the divorce, Eddie and Teri tried to not pick sides and be friends with both of us. Which I tried to be fair about,too. She started feeding me tidbits about what the ex was up to (his new girlfriend, new car, new furniture) and I acted as if I couldn't care less. Eddie even got the ex a job at his flight department knowing full well that the ex has a drinking problem and a sexual harassment problem because they felt sorry for poor unemployed him. What's wrong with these people? All the while she's said little things about our divorce like "well, it was mutual" and "it takes two." They know what happened. I would correct her and say "no, it wasn't mutual because I would still be with him if he hadn't done what he did." She just kinda gets this glazed over look like she is in denial.

She invited me out for ice cream a couple weeks ago. The ex is selling our home and I was telling her that made me sad when I had to see it for the last time. It was the first home we ever owned and now I'm in a little condo. Then she sends me an email last week telling me "Gee, I don't mean to be mean but you really need to get over this. You shouldn't care about your house anymore or the fact that the ex is selling it." Wow! I'm so glad someone else knows (less than a year after the divorce) that I should be able to just switch off my emotions regarding my former home. Especially from the person that brings up the ex and what he is up to every time I see her.

They always go on and on about how much the ex infuriates them with the things he says and how they hope he doesn't screw up this new job they got him and how all his other friends have turned on him and that they are his only friends left (and they sound proud of that!). And he drinks with them too. I'm just realizing that I have all this anger that they enabled the ex so much and then try to pretend that they are my friend too. I want to tell her off so bad. It just doesn't work that way.

She's called me 3 times last week and I haven't the strength to pick up the phone and pretending everything is fine so I just don't answer. She called me tonight and left me this message, "You aren't returning my calls...I hope it's not because you're mad at me because of the email I sent?....call me back!" She even had another mutual friend of ours call me up and see if I was mad tonight. What's the best way to kick this to the curb? She pretends that she's my best friend but then pulls the rug out from under me every time. There are several other things I haven't even mentioned like when she made fun of my wedding ring at dinner a couple months ago. Just because I'm not married anymore doesn't make it okay to laugh that my ring cost half that yours did. It's what we could afford at the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 12:41am
Why don't you tell her that you don't want to be her friend anymore and to stop calling you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:54am
Yeah, I think the direct approach is the way I'm going to have to go. Due to her controling nature, she's not going to handle rejection well and won't accept a simple "leave me alone" because I've never said anything about her behavior in all these years. But if I can get rid of 175 lbs. of the ex's dead weight, I can surely throw off Teri's 145 lbs. I didn't mention it in the original email but we have a close knit group of mutual friends. Everyone except for this couple has ostracized the ex. Now if I tell her to jump in a lake it's just going to get political again. She's already started to draw people into the mess by having them call me to see if I'm mad at her (what is this, freshman year?). I don't care anymore. Let the chips fall where they may. I've made strides in making new friends outside the circle, but it's more difficult in my 30's. I'm also considering job opportunities on the other side of the country closer to where my family is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 2:06am

Who cares if it gets "political"! Political amongst whom?

You have a right to put your foot down and to choose your friends. If she's a bad friend, ditch her. (and her husband, too)

It'll feel good :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 8:15am

if you don't want to come right out and tell her you're done with her, why don't you at least tell her you're done with listening to anything at all about the ex -- it's simply off limits. that way, your group of friends won't have to choose between the two of you when getting together.

any idiot know that divorce doesn't mean you automatically turn your feelings off. any idiot knows that seeing your house for a last time will make you sad. she's an idiot and what you feel is completely normal. she sounds unfeeling and immature.

it sounds like you have a lot more strength than the average person -- you know it was best to leave your marriage and you did.

just be confident and firm when you tell her not to discuss your ex at all. and hold on to that every time you are in her presence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 11:01am

It doesn't sound like your 'friendship' with Teri is working - she's giving you a play by play on your ex's life, which you really don't need to hear when you're trying to build a new life, taking his side or trying to shift some of the blame onto you, and she's insensitive and unsympathetic. The most direct approach - telling her to leave you alone, could be a headache as she would be angry with you and it would cause friends to take sides. You could try to confront the problems with her - explain that she's hurt your feelings and she seems unsympathetic, and see if the relationship improves. You could tell her that you need some space to get over things, and you don't feel like you can talk to her right now because she doesn't understand. Or you could just 'phase her out' - start spending time with other friends and making new friends, and doing new things so you're busy when she calls. Perhaps not the most mature choice, but it's the least confrontational, won't make friends choose between you, and if you get out and do things with other (sensitive, helpful) people it will help you in your healing.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 11:42pm

Thanks for all the good advice. She called me at work twice today and sent me an email to every one of my email accounts. I sat down tonight and tried to compose a neutral email but just couldn't do it. I let her know how I felt about all the things she's done/said over the couple months. I told her I was deeply hurt by her words and to please respect the time and space I need by leaving me alone...no email, no phone and no stopping by.

I've done a lot of thinking about this and she's just not a person I'm interested in salvaging a friendship with. She's been off-kilter from the beginning. I'm sure it's not the last I've heard from her. This is between her and I. If mutual friends get dragged into this by her, then that's their decision, but not one I'll justify with a discussion. I doubt it will cause too much of a stir as every one else has expressed a dislike for Terri at one time or another.