Trapped

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Trapped
16
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 7:06am

Hi!

I wanted to know if anyone else is in this situation and what they did about it or if anyone out there has any advice.

My D was final in Jan. X is still living at home and our young kids don't know about the D. Until we live apart I thought it would be too confusing to tell them. X is so in denial re: D. He just can't accept it. To the outside world we seems like a normal family. But I can't take it anymore. I hate him and I'm so tense whenever he's around. I mean, I D the man!!! We can't keep the house and I'm fine with it. He isn't. He is fighting me about putting it up for sale. I don't know what to do? If he doesn't work with me on this, the house will never get sold and me and my kids will never be on our own and I'll never be able to move forward to start my new life and maybe even find happiness with another man.

What would you do? How do I get him to come on board???? I can't sell the house w/o his okay, half if it his. HELP!!!!
R

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2005
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:29am
I have seen the errors of my ways!!!!!


Edited 5/22/2007 12:44 am ET by whatup2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:56am
I'm not leaving my kids. I need the $$$ from the sale of my house to buy another house. And I'm not so sure I actually have another guy, he's in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:12pm

Didn't your divorce make some kind of provisions for the settlement of property? If you can't sell the house without his okay, can you get him to buy you out? There must be some kind of arrangement in your divorce that assumes you won't be sharing this residence going forward.

I don't know that you can get him to agree to something he doesn't want to agree to but there must be a resolution - one of you buying the other out or at worst, a court order allowing you to sell the home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:44pm

Actually, if he doesn't agree to sell the house I can get a court appointed broker to do it. I wish he'd just work with me b/c I would try to sell it on my own and hopefully make more money. He is just making the situation harder. And I understand where he's coming from, he didn't want it to be begin with. I wanted to talk to the kids together, but he's refusing to talk to them about it. So I'll have to do it on my own. It actually won't be as bad as I thought.

I tried having a conversation about moving forward with him last night, and it was a mess. He was crying and begging me to just go on the way we are. He tries scaring me about money and he tells me they won't have money for college, the real estate market is horrible and we won't get as much for the house and my health insurance will be unaffordable etc. So I think what if we just continue like this, but I can't, I'll end up having a nervous breakdown. So when I posted this morning I was feeling trapped, scared, anxious, tense etc.

Sorry if I sound like a cry-baby who really has nothing to cry about. This is my situation and it's really hard for me to keep it together for my kids. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:51pm

I hope I didn't make you feel as if you were crying when you had nothing to cry about. You are in the middle of an extremely difficult and tense situation and trying to the best for everyone involved. I apologize that I didn't acknowledge that or seem like I didn't appreciate it.

It is normal to feel all the emotions you describe and so hard when you still have to figure out a way to build a life in the midst of all of that.

It also sounds as if he is hanging on to anything he can to keep the situation the way he wants it. It is unfortunate that he has the power over the sale of the house that he does.

You need to take care of yourself and your kids. This is a great place to post when you are feeling those difficult emotions (and when you have something to celebrate or just because you feel like connecting with others who share or have shared your situation).

My thoughts are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 2:33pm
whatup2005, your response was sooooooo not cool! Do you have children and if so, would you be willing to leave them for a new life? Neither one of us have walked a minute in the poster's shoes so if she does in fact have a new man, what part of that information is related to her original question?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2005
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 3:56pm
I'm done.


Edited 5/22/2007 1:17 am ET by whatup2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 5:28pm
I think sometimes there are a lot of downs and further downs when we're going through these experiences. Sometimes things seem hopeless, other times we have better coping skills and can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I also have a problem being supportive of affairs, but I don't want to assume a "holier than thou" attitude about it. I would hope the poster doesn't intend to leave her children and run off with anyone. That would be so devastating for her children.
It seems to me that the best thing to do is to go through the court and have a broker put the house on the market. Then you don't have to convince your ex of anything. Maybe once he sees that you intend to go through with it, he will agree to put it on the market privately and hopefully get the most $ for the two of you.
I can't imagine what it's like living with your ex after the D! Do you have a custody agreement? Are your kids on your ex's insurance? Can you find work that has insurance for yourself?

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 8:03pm

Whatup...what's up???

I hate my x because...oh where to begin...I guess I can start at the part that when his brother and sister -in law came to our house verbally abusing ME and only me, that they thought the wedding gift we gave them wasn't enough money. WE gave them $350 but they wanted $500. My H sat there and let them yell at me and never once came to my defense. BTW, we agreed upon $300, but I added the extra $50. Oh yea and I was two months pregnant and had an 10 month old sleeping upstairs. They yelled at me that I hid behind my son, whatever that means and on and on and. H did nothing. I begged him to make his brother stop and he said maybe we can work it out.

Then there was the time his brother called a C*nt b/c I didn't say hello to his sister as nice as he would have liked. Again, H standing right there, said nothing. My X father in law told me to F*ck myself b/c the day after my second child was born he called me in the hospital and asked if his other son and daughter can come up and see the baby. Yes of course, I said. Then he added well they don't want to see you, can I arrange it. I said no, if they want to see the baby they have to come to my room and I'll be there too. He told me to f myself. Again, H right there, did nothing.

Then after falling down the steps being 9 months pregnant and holding my 17 month old son and herniating 2 of my disks, he never helped out with the kids. That was my job. I had 2 spinal surgeries and I still took care of him, the house the kids. I had to watch what he wanted to watch, I cooked for him, cleaned for him, the sex was unsatifsying the few times he even wanted it. Oh I was the one to initate it and 9 times out of 10 he'd just reject me and make me feel humiliated.

He showed no interested in anything I did or said. I was a maid and a nanny. He felt I had nothing to offer.

I could continue but I don't want to bore you. Don't judge me w/o knowing all the facts and without walking in my shoes. As far as having another guy...I left my H for me not for another man. i thought I made that point quite clear in my other posts. The guy I was involved w. opened my eyes.

And not that I need to justify my relationship or my actions, but it was mostly an emotional affair. We had a lot in common, similar views on life, similar personalities. We became good friends and accidently fell in love. I didn't "go after" a married man nor did he "go after" a married woman. We tried walking away, it was hard and couldn't be done. I'm so, so sorry that your husband cheated on you and left. Honestly, you're probably much better off without him.

I came here looking for support for a certain situation. I don't need to get burned at the stake for something else. I thank everyone who came to bat for me.
Sorry so long.
R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: rachelzma
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 10:22pm

Catk1,

No, I would NEVER leave my children and run anywhere. I’d consider running with them, but I would never keep them from the father. Their father who they love unconditionally, although he’s never around and when he is he doesn’t spend time with them. My children are my life. I put up with so much nonsense for their sake.

I’m also not asking anyone here to be supportive of affairs. I was posting about my D and a situation I am in re: my D. I wasn’t posting about why I D my X or anything like that. Maybe if I used a different screen name I would have had a warmer reception. I am truly sorry for those who are on this board b/c of their spouses’ affair and perhaps I should have been more cognizant of that.

We do have a custody agreement and my kids’ insurance is covered by my X. I’m hoping to find a job w/ good insurance for myself. My son struggles in school and has ADHD so it’s super important that I’m home for him after school to do homework and give him his meds. I’m planning on getting my teaching certificate b/c the hours work well for my kids and the benefits are good. It is hard living w. my ex. He knows nothing about anyone else, it would be too hurtful. I won’t date anyone until I’m in my own place b/c again, it’s too hurtful.

Thanks for your support and listening.
Rachel

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