Trashed Trust and Security

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Trashed Trust and Security
1
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:54am

I will be married for 5 years at the end of this month. I'm 29 with no children, I work full time at a professional job and make decent income. A year ago, my H decided to start a company of his own. He then proceeded to cash out his entire IRA and live on that and our credit cards for the last year. Currently we are 35k in credit card debt because of this. I am so ashamed that I was weak and didn't put my foot down sooner.

Now, because of our financial situation and his unwillingness to get a job (for ego reasons) just until his business takes off, I am finding that I have lost all trust and security in my relationship. He tells me that I am always making it about money. Am I crazy to think that financial security is directly related to emotional security? He had me convinced for a long time that I was overly anxious about money, which I did to a certain extent, but have been through therapy for that. Finally, I realized that 35K in debt is a completely valid reason to have anxiety!

Until I see him actively trying to fix our financial situation, I don't see my trust coming back. He keeps telling me that I should just have trust in him taking care of me. I gave him that for 5 years and look where it got me. I am appalled that he has the audacity to ask me to trust him when he has shattered it and it was completely avoidable. If making me feel secure was more important than his ego, the trust never would have been broken.

I have so much clarity when I am in therapy or journaling but the minute I start to talk to him, I get argued into a corner. He manipulates me by telling me that I am being unfair. He is an extremely opinionated strong personality and I just cannot seem to find my footing when I have to face him. I am not at all a weak woman but when it comes to him, he manages to argue me in circles until I start to question myself. It took me a very long time to realize that our communication is completely dysfunctional and unhealthy. Our marriage therapist has actually had to tell him to sit down and shut up during session because he even bullies her.

I am just so lost and stuck in ambivalence. I know how things are is not healthy but I also know he is not a bad person. He didn't get us in financial trouble out of malice, he has just always had his head in the sand about money. He is from the school of thought, "If we don't talk about it, the problem doesn't exist".

Has anyone had similar issues and has your spouse been able to change their ways when it comes to money? I am at the point where I am asking him to do things (ie: get a job, cut back spending, cancel the cable, sell the motorcycle) to hopefully start to regain the trust. It has been about 3 months since we have been in therapy together and I am seeing minimal changes - just enough so that I can't argue with him and say he isn't trying - but not up to a satisfactory level where it shows me he is 100% trying.

I am so hurt that he won't fulfill my need by just doing the small things I ask. If he came to me and told me I was unattractive, you can bet I would be at the gym every day, dressing better, getting my hair done, ect. So why is he not doing everything he can to gain my trust back?

Thanks for reading and any input you have. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:38pm

I have so much clarity when I am in therapy or journaling but the minute I start to talk to him, I get argued into a corner. He manipulates me by telling me that I am being unfair. He is an extremely opinionated strong personality and I just cannot seem to find my footing when I have to face him. I am not at all a weak woman but when it comes to him, he manages to argue me in circles until I start to question myself. It took me a very long time to realize that our communication is completely dysfunctional and unhealthy. Our marriage therapist has actually had to tell him to sit down and shut up during session because he even bullies her.

Yep, sounds just like my stbx, except my stbx's issues were different. Your H's attitude towards money and debt, however, is similar to my brother's and my brother's wife has had to deal with his stubborn refusal to face reality and reduce their debt. He is now asking her to quit the job that gives them health insurance and retirement savings because the job is depressing and draining her. Well, financial stress was depressing and draining her--that's why she got the job. And he asks her to do this, but offers no attempt to relieve her worries about money by, as you say "Getting a job" himself.

Very similar. And yes, disfunctional, I think.

I am so sorry. Sounds like you need to continue counseling on your own til you come to clarity. No one on the board can actually tell you what to do. But, you will figure it out. I am sure.

I am so hurt that he won't fulfill my need by just doing the small things I ask. If he came to me and told me I was unattractive, you can bet I would be at the gym every day, dressing better, getting my hair done, ect. So why is he not doing everything he can to gain my trust back?

I was with you until this last paragraph. Woo wee, no way would I allow someone else to tell me that they didn't value me because I was "unattractive." Not a parallel to what you are asking of him at all; apples and oranges.

GL my dear. Keep working with counselors.

M