Trial Separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Trial Separation
9
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 4:00pm

HI, My name is Angie, I have been married almost 15 years.

Formerly heartacheafter7years
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 09-22-2011 - 9:10pm

Hi Angie,

A period of separation can provide a much needed break in a tension-filled relationship. Your pastor and/or a marriage counselor can help you make this time apart productive and beneficial as much as possible. My personal advice to you is make sure you take any personal papers with you when you move out: i.e. SSN cards, insurance policies, bank statements, etc. If you have a joint account with your spouse you may want to seek advice on taking money out and opening a separate, sole-owned account. (Your spouse has a legal right to withdraw and close any joint account you may have together. As do you.)

I'd also be very clear on the "rules" during separation, i.e. no dating others, no DUIs, etc.

In fact, I'd encourage you to reach out to Alanon.org. This is the sister organization to Alcoholics Anonymous. Alanon and Alateen.org are for the friends, family, and children of alcoholics. They can help you both cope with your husband's drinking and help you not to encourage or enable it. (And the first thing they'll tell you is not to try to "treat" your husband on your own or believe his claims he's not an alcoholic.)

Don't shy away from accessing this wonderful organization. They can help you keep your sanity and help you make good choices about the future, especially when alcohol is in the picture.

Be very realistic about your legal options and rights. Many a woman has moved out of the house one day and found herself served with divorce papers the next. So be careful what you agree to do.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-23-2011 - 11:05am

It's good that you are going to see a laywer because I think you need to get the financial picture spelled out clearly--who is going to be paying what expenses and are you going to be paying him child support (which he is entitled to since he will be the custodial parent).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 12:13pm

We will be splitting custody of the kids with me having them for 4 nights a week and he for 3.

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 1:14pm
It sounds like this may be the only option for you. I have always heard that men have a MUCH HARDER time forgiving and getting over a wives affair because it is such a blow to their male ego. I think at this point if he hasn't shown any signs of forgiving you that he may just NOT be able to get over this EVER. And I can tell you some spouses never do. I think 1 of 2 things will happen here. Either he will miss you tremendously and realize he wants to be with you, and needs to put what happened in the past behind him in order to rebuild the marriage OR he will keep holding on to the heavy resentment he has of you for having the affair. He also has to have it in him to look deep inside of himself and see if his behavior in the marriage may have contributed in any way to you feeling desperate enough to seek outside of the marriage for love and affection. Do you think he has that ability in him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 2:02pm
wut happens if the spouse who wants a seperation was always a sahm & has no way of supporting herself? I considered a seperation but I would have to move out due to the fact that i cannot take care of the whole hs and the children by myself. I would want to get on my feet 1st before taking on the responsibility of caring for the kids.
Kathi Taylor
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 2:49pm

Hey Peacy-

I don't know if he has it in him.

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 5:05pm
I don't blame you for not being able to watch him do this to himself. Do you think he would drive the kids around drunk? If so you are in a real bad situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 5:09pm
Then your pretty much trapped until you can support yourself and your kids, and that is a terrible position to be in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 5:24pm

Well you should consult an atty--you would be entitled to child support and possibly alimony, but it depends on the laws in your state, how much money your DH makes and how long you have been married.