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|Wed, 12-21-2011 - 8:44am|
I am new to this board and really in need of some advice. I am basically on the brink of seperation and while this is something that has been coming for quite sometime, I am feeling uneasy and scared, yet relieved at the same time.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 8. I was 23 when we got married. We have 2 children, 5 and 18 months. I work parttime but my husband is the primary breadwinner.
3 years ago I had an affiar. I will take full responsibility for it and know that I messed up (even though I had my reasons). Since then we have been in counseling, and he decided to stay with me and try to work things out, and have another child. Besides the time period when I was very pregnant and nursing, my husband has been very suspecious of my every move. And while I do not blame him, I cannot live this way any more. I have done everything he asked and dedicated myself to trying to make our marriage work.
The past few months I feel like Ive finally given up. I do not feel in love with him. I do not even want to kiss him. I feel like he uses sex to "own" me and almost always feel like crying afterwards. I never know if I am going to get the husband that acts like I have ruined his life, or the one that is falling all over me saying how much he loves me.
Ive been growing distant and he senses it. I have reached out to a recently divorced friend for advice and I can tell he read my emails because he changed all his passwords and is acting distant himself, which is not like him.
I am sad and a little scared, but relieved at the same time. I think its time to call it and make a move in the direction of a seperation, I just hate that this is all happening right before christmas. The worst part is of course that this will change my children's lives, and I know how hard this will be on my 5 (almost 6) year old.
Can anyone offer any advice or words of wisdom? Has anyone attempted a trial seperation and eventually worked things out? Or did it just show you that divorce was the right path? I am not scared to be alone, even though I have never been, but sad that my perfect little family is falling apart and feelign guilty that it is basically all my fault.