Trial Seperation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Trial Seperation
Wed, 12-21-2011 - 8:44am


I am new to this board and really in need of some advice. I am basically on the brink of seperation and while this is something that has been coming for quite sometime, I am feeling uneasy and scared, yet relieved at the same time.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 8. I was 23 when we got married. We have 2 children, 5 and 18 months. I work parttime but my husband is the primary breadwinner.

3 years ago I had an affiar. I will take full responsibility for it and know that I messed up (even though I had my reasons). Since then we have been in counseling, and he decided to stay with me and try to work things out, and have another child. Besides the time period when I was very pregnant and nursing, my husband has been very suspecious of my every move. And while I do not blame him, I cannot live this way any more. I have done everything he asked and dedicated myself to trying to make our marriage work.

The past few months I feel like Ive finally given up. I do not feel in love with him. I do not even want to kiss him. I feel like he uses sex to "own" me and almost always feel like crying afterwards. I never know if I am going to get the husband that acts like I have ruined his life, or the one that is falling all over me saying how much he loves me.

Ive been growing distant and he senses it. I have reached out to a recently divorced friend for advice and I can tell he read my emails because he changed all his passwords and is acting distant himself, which is not like him.

I am sad and a little scared, but relieved at the same time. I think its time to call it and make a move in the direction of a seperation, I just hate that this is all happening right before christmas. The worst part is of course that this will change my children's lives, and I know how hard this will be on my 5 (almost 6) year old.

Can anyone offer any advice or words of wisdom? Has anyone attempted a trial seperation and eventually worked things out? Or did it just show you that divorce was the right path? I am not scared to be alone, even though I have never been, but sad that my perfect little family is falling apart and feelign guilty that it is basically all my fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 12-21-2011 - 10:48am



Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 12-21-2011 - 8:55pm


Hi. It sounds like your husband still doesn't trust you and he's still angry at you for the affair. Has this been brought to his attention by the counselor? Is your husband seeing a counselor individually as well as with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 4:04pm

Wow, I thought I was reading my post for a second. I am 33, married 9 years, have 2 kids and....I to had an A but much more recently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 7:33am
Solost, we are in almost the exact same situation. H and I ate offiiciallu separated (and not a trial situation) but still living together. Instead of having the courage to just leave I sabotoshed instead, just like you did. I'm not proud of it, but now I realize that I wasn't being true to myself allowing this marriage to go on.

Our kids are young and I'm sure they will get used to the new situation as long as both of their parents are there for them.

I am going to need a lot of advise since this is still fresh and I'm not even sure where to start.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 3:40pm

Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible, and find out what your rights are and what you can expect. Your children are oung enough that it is much better to make the break now.