trouble with teens

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
trouble with teens
4
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 11:26am

My Stbx(abusive control freak) will not communicate with me on any level. This also include any issues dealing with dd's 16&14. He leaves them to let me know when they will be with him. I posted before about dd's being caught in the middle. Now they have learned to play the game so to speak. They deliberately don't tell him info about their lives, school, behaviour that he should be aware of, knowing that since he hangs up on me every time I try to communicate to him about them he will not find out. And when he does he contradicts any punishment that I may have enforced ie grounding etc and puts the blame on me. The last several weekends have really taken their toll Two weekends ago-his wknd- 16yo tells him she is staying at a friends(which she does every time she's there- but did not stay at the friends but went out with friends and stayed out all night. This past wknd he had a family bbq . It was my wknd with dd's and would not switch even though they had this family getogether for neice's upcoming wedding. So tell dd's that he will bring them home after the bbq neglecting to let anyone know what time.and then he lets 16yo go out at 11:00 pm, I told her no but says "Dad said I could" and left. At 1:00 am he brings home 14 yr old and she can't understand why I'm upset " I was with Dad" and at the same time I can't get ahold of 16yo on her phone b/c she wouldn't answer. and she gets home @ 2:30 am which she very well knows is not acceptable, curfew is negotiable depending on where and who she is with and is never that late and I didn't know where she was. As a result she is grounded again( seems continuosly lately) but knows full well when she goes to Dad's this wknd it won't be enforced. How do I get through to him what he is doing to dd's by always underming any authority or punishment I have with them.

By the way dd's live with me full time and he is 11 mos behind in child support. He and his family have alochol abuse problems. they were all, not dd's, drunk this past wknd and my girls think it's funny!!!!

Any advice??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 3:12pm
Consider getting the 16 yo on the pill? Is there a legal curfew for teens in your area? What would happen if you contacted law enforcement about D16 not coming home? I haven't been in this kind of a spot, yet, so I'm not sure if that is helpful. Always continue to provide a good example of mature, womanly conduct for your teens. They may deny the message, they may screw up, but they DO see your example. It does have an effect. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 4:22pm
I did not find out that my 16yo had been out all night until a few days later as she had been at stbx for the weekend. I knew she had been somewhere b/c her backpack smell like a bar when she got home. Her dad did not comment on this whether he did not notice or chose to ignore I'm not sure. My problem is that he is allowing her to run wild the weekends she is with him and b/c will not communicate with me does not know or choses to ignore. His main oject in life is to make mine miserable and he doesn't seem to care what effect it is having on dd's. Up until recently 16yo has been a very responsible young lady. I realize that being that age involves pushing limits to see how far you can go. But she's going right over the top and I'm the only on who seems to care enough to establish some boundaries. I'm tired of being the only one who disciplines, how come he gets all of the rights but none of the responsibilities of being a parent, that includes any type of support, heck they even come home(mine) when they have their periods b/c he doesn't buy them any hygiene products to use at his place. No one told me being a single parent would be this difficult I thought he would be more active in their lives as far as discipline and support then he has been. Everything he does is for show to others that he is such a great dad just as he did when we were married and everyone thought he was a great husband not knowing anything that went on at home.
Sorry about the rant I am just frustrated and extremely worried about my 16yo behaviour. I know that if I was 16 and could have gotten away with it I would have tried. But now she gets away with it every other weekend when at her dad's until she gets back home and I have to deal with disciplining her. I hate being the heavy all of the time b/c she's angry that I taken away priviledges and I'm angry b/c she's pushed limits that she knows are in place. In short I'm always mopping up the messes she makes at her dad's. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Not FAir
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 4:36pm

They are staring to think that I am the B***ch and he is a saint. Are they ever going to remember what life was like when he lived with us and show any respect for me???????????
Even though he never did!!! They are starting to treat me like he did!!!! Again ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 7:38pm
You're right, it's definitely not fair. i can't even give you any sound advice bcs. my situation isn't like this. Legal counsel, maybe? Gosh, good luck.