Truth....
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| Sat, 06-11-2005 - 7:58pm |
As most of you know, I had a problem on the boards on friday. Basically "someone" posing as candyk8 posted a fact about me that I didn't care to share. She stated that I was a walking hipocrite because I said "once a cheat always a cheat" with regards to a post about another member's XH with relevance to my own experiences.
What she had said is the truth.
In November 04 I found out my current boyfriend was seeing someone else. In my findings I found that they had gone out on occassion of which he lied to me and told me he would be somewhere else. I also found out that they had kissed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with my SO's child and I literally lost it. I was ready to leave. I had nowhere to go, no job, no money, no place to set up house and most of all I didn't want to hurt my kids. SO and I fought pretty hard core and I told him that I was going to leave. I had it in my head that I was going to pack my bags and be out the door by the time he got home from work. I also told him he was no better than my XH or OW. At that moment something clicked in him. His facial expressions changed, he cried, he told me he was sorry and swore that he would never do it again. I told him that I didn't trust him and that if I was going to stay that we would have a lot of work to do. I also told him that if at ANY TIME he was unhappy with me or anything he needed to tell me and we would deal with it like adults. He promised me he would not talk to her again. It took me a couple of days but when I thought about it, I decided to stay. It was a hard decision. I had nowhere to go but I still felt like I needed better for me and the kids. Once we had that talk and he realized that I wasn't kidding, I was ready to leave, he changed. He completely changed. He turned into the perfect boyfriend and father to the children. Everything changed. I questioned it at first but then realized that he was making an effort to make up for what he had done. Did I check up on him? yes. I installed a key logger on the computer, checked his phone info ( call history ) and checked on him numerous times a day online and via phone. Everything checked out. Then our son was born. Idk, what happend. He changed again. Into the perfect loving helpful father. Everything was working itself into place. Since then, we have grown very close. I don't question everything anymore and I believe him when he tells me things. We had to work hard, but we are ok.
This whole thing was a terrible point in my life. I honestly thought WHAT A FUC! up I am. What kind of mother am I? I believed him when he told me________. I hated myself. My self esteem went so low.
I guess for me it became about my kids. I didn't want them to feel like they lost another father. I know it's hard for us single mom's and dad's when we meet someone, we date them for awhile and who knows what could happen in the future. I just didn't think it could happen to me, again. I was wrong and I learned a lot about me in that whole process.
I have allowed myself to fall in love with him. I love him to death and we love every moment we spend together. Things are noticably different, together and individually. Things might just be OK.
Thanks for listening.



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Hi Angela,
I'm brand new here. My second day of reading posts was Friday. First of all, I'm soory that someone put a post on here revealing something that was private to you. Secondly, you are aloowed to make your own decisions! I'm glad that things are working out for you. I look forward to hearing more from you, as I begin life on my own! Kim
I don't post alot, more of a lurker, and I did see all of that stuff on Friday. It's a shame that you can't get the same respect of privacy that everyone else on the MB gets. It's also a shame that yu feel the need to justify anything that is said about you and your past or present relationships.
Good for you that you were able to get passed the mess with your SO and good for him for seeing your pain and growing from it. I wouldn't be so worried about explaining yourself to someone who obviously isn't happy in their lives or current situations. From reading your posts it sounds like you went through hell and you deserve to be happy and annoymous just like everyone else here!
Thank you!
I look forward to posting with you too! I haven't posted much because of the things that happened on Friday but I will be around in the not so distant future.
Thank you again and hugs to you for what you are going through as well
Hi first,
Thank you :)
I guess the reason I posted the truth about that is because I give a lot of advice on cheating and if someone posts something that proves me to be a hipocrite of sorts, then I owe it to you guys to let you know what's up.
I do believe that people can change, I do also believe that my XH won't change. He has had years of the same behavior ( I dont know why being with me would be any different ) so I guess I am really on the fence on this one.
Although I went through hell, I am ok with me now. I am making my own decisions and loving myself for it. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't have gone through what I did... again proving my favorite saying in the whole world, Everything happens for a reason :)
Hugs,
Angelena
Thanks. I just cringe whenever someone says once a cheater always a cheater. I am so afraid I will meet a great guy one day and he'll think that. I have done so much work on myself and experienced an incredible amount of personal growth since the end of my marriage (as I have explained on this board many times). My marriage was not healthy and I was in a very bad place when I cheated. I know that even if I was faced with the same situation (a husband who wouldn't sleep with me, cared more about his video game than me, and me facing a newly diagnosed chronic illness all on my own, while having to deal with approaching the age my dad was when he died and feeling like my life as I knew it was over, becuase of the chronic illness, but also that life was very short because my dad's was so short) that I would not ever cheat again. Nothing excuses what I did, no matter how bad things were I should not have done that. It didn't help me feel better in the long run, it made a mess of my life and the lives of everyone around me. When someone says once a cheater always a cheater they are lumping me in with others who don't care that they hurt people and don't recognize their mistakes, and it does hurt because it feels like all the work I've done is for nothing. I made a horrible mistake once, but I shouldn't be completely written off because of it.
I do think that when one poster has told us everything about her situation, a reasonable person here can say to them that their STBX will never change and will probably cheat again. When someone posts about a person in their life who doesn't care they cheated, who doesn't appear to have experienced any personal growth or recognize how much they hurt others, that person may be very likely to cheat again and we are right to point that out when we see it. But generalizations are not necessary, people are not defined by their mistakes alone.
Very good point. I guess that goes for me as well. I am not perfect by any means. Although I didn't cheat on my XH I contributed to our demise as much as he did. I also was the OW when he met me which makes me terrible... in accordance with the "lump" statements.
You are absolutely right!
Hugs to you and yet again I learn from you :)
Angelena-
I hope you shared this with the board because you wanted to, not because you felt like you needed to justify or explain yourself. If we have any future visitors revealing personal info on posters, I hope everyone will just ignore them and not give them the attention they're seeking.
Although I know I've been guilty of statements like "I'd never" or "always", one thing I've learned is that statements like that have a tendency to come back and bite you in the rear. It's easy to make generalities when you're not talking about your own life. But when you're in a situation, you need to make an honest assessment. If your SO has cheated on you, is this a pattern of behaviour or an isolated incident? If he says he's sorry, is he crying crocodile tears because he was caught, or do you believe (not with your heart and emotions, but with a rational assessment) that he truly regrets cheating. Can the circumstances/factors which contributed to his decision to cheat be altered to help him stay faithful in the future. If not, then your partner probably will cheat on you in the future, which is why the phrase "always a cheater" proves to be true in many cases (but not in all cases). It's not easy for a person to change their behaviour - the decision to change has to be a serious one on the behalf of that person, not an empty promise made to keep your current relationship going.
-sang
Hi everybody,
I'm the one that made the reference "once a cheater...", and it was in reference to my own experiences. See, my stbx cheated once, I caught him, and he expressed remorse out of his ears... I decided to forgive him, and stay. I joined "the Betrayed Spouses Support Group" on here, and started the journey to healing. I didn't want to walk away on a seven-year relationship, when he really did seem repentant. But two years later, I caught him again. This time, I threw him out and we have been separated almost a year (1 year on Sunday June 19).
I agree that it has to do with patterns of behavior, and not everyone who has ever cheated will cheat again. Hey - I did it, when I was young and stupid and didn't realize how badly I was hurting a boyfriend. After I saw what it did to him, I never, ever was even the slightest bit tempted to do it again. I do believe in change. I simply don't believe it of him, and I don't believe it of some other people. I agree that a lot of the difference seems to be wether a person recognizes the damage they have done or not, and if they own up to their actions.
Angelina, I hope you realize I was just stating an opinion about your EX, not your SO. Just from what you told me it didn't seem he (your Ex) saw the pattern or the hurt. I am sorry if I offended you, or anyone else on here, that was not my intention. And if you and your SO have found a way to work it out, CONGRATS! I only wish I had been so successful!
Hugs~
L
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