Trying to balance work and kids
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| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 6:54am |
This balancing act just keeps getting worse! I have a great job where I work three days a week (12 hour days) and it's in the best paying hospital in the state. My problem is that it's really hard to balance my work schedule with the kids.
My ex is giving me problems about taking them on the days I work because that means he has to take them to school three mornings a week and pick up our daughter three evenings a week. It doesn't matter that I take them extra during my time off or Fridays on his weekends. I still am getting $hit for it. Heck next weekend I have to work which means I have the week before and the week after with extra days off during the week and he won't have to have them. You think he'd think of that? Nooooooooo.
I just don't know what to do. I even looked into leaving my "dream job" and going into something like home health nursing which is primarily an 8-4:30 job. It's a $5 an hour cut in pay and I'd be working MORE hours (I work 36 hours at my job now) and the benefits aren't as good either.
I've been requesting certain days off in order to keep the schedule consistent, but my boss is putting her foot down about it calling it "self scheduling" so a lot of us aren't going to be able to do that any more. Heck I even asked to work every other weekend for awhile on the weekends he has the kids in order to free up the week more, but they haven't gotten back to me.
I don't know, maybe we just need to go back to court and hear it from an impartial judge. It's very tempting to take him back and hash it out, but then I'm afraid they'll tell me to find a different job. Funny how when we don't work we're told to work and when we do work we're told NOT to work. LOL

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I agree that I would not change jobs. With the pay cut, loss of benefits and and the extra hours you'd have to work your family would probably be just as well off if you had to pay a qualified person to help with child care on occasion.
I know every Ex is different, but here's my story: In my situation my ex wasn't as accomodating at first as he is now. However, once I told STBX that my work schedule was no longer as flexible and I was going to have to leave our DS with a paid caregiver rather than family for a few hours of the day STBX was then more than willing to care for DS during that time.
That's the thing!! My ex WANTS me to hire someone for them after school. I just can't afford it. I got the house in the divorce against my better judgement and I'm having a hard time financially making ends meet because of the cost of fuel, gas, and utilities. The only other bills besides household expenses are my car loan and student loans. It just makes so much more sense for him to have them while I'm working, because on those days I do little else besides sleep. I always pick them up that evening if I don't work the next day and he goes to his girlfriend's and still it's not enough.
He has an easier time saying no to the kids too so it's me they come to when they need $$ for dances, field trips, or other things at school and even haircuts!! I wouldn't mind carrying most of the financial burden if he wasn't constantly giving me a hard time about my work schedule. He gets a copy of the schedule waaaaaaay ahead of time and it's not like I'm asking him to have them for three days while I go away on a cruise.
I even offered up a solution of asking my boss if I could work 7-3:30 mon-friday if he would be willing to take them to school every day and I'd pick them up every evening. He absolutely refused. No matter what solution I come up with he says no to, so I give up!!
Oh, the poor baby... he has to take them to school THREE days a week and pick up one of them...... oh, that's so terrible...... NOT!!!!
Let it go before the judge...... ;-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Oh...oh....oh!!!! This is SO weird! We have VERY similar situations! I also work 3 12 hour shifts (intakes for an employee assistance company). However, my days don't change. I work from home exclusively, but, I am WORKING during those hours, which my STBX doesn't seem to understand. We have a schedule where I have our son Tuesday night through Saturday afternoon. He has him from Saturday afternoon until Tuesday morning (I also have our son before and after school).
Now, he wants to change the custody arrangement where we have an equal 50/50 split, and we rotate the weekends. Um, hello, I work all weekend! Do I tell him to change his job from a 9-5 with a 1.5 hour commute? Nooooo. But he expects me to find a different job, which is just not feasible right now, nor is getting my hours changed. Like your STBX, I think he's just trying to give me a hard time. I mean, come on, we don't have any child care expenses right now, so it would be MUCH better to have to start spending several hundred dollars a month on unneccesary care, right? Come on!!
I know what you're saying. Sometimes, you just feel like you can't win.
His latest thing is that on the Friday nights that are on his weekend he WON'T pick the kids up before 8:00 at night because I don't pick them up till 8:00 on Thursday evenings. He says this makes it "even". That's such BS because on Fridays I take them to school, have them after school and feed them dinner before he arrives.
The kicker is that last night my mom had to come over because I had a date and he was sitting at home and could have come at 6:00, but chose not to. He's such a dumb a$$.
He tried to say that during November he had them the whole Thanksgiving break. He had them 4 days! I was on vacation for 10 and had them the first 6 days!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like it's time to play the "oh, THANK YOU for giving me a couple of extra hours here and there with the kids" game.... and reminding him that it's "His loss" if he sacrifices time with him kids.
He'll drive himself NUTS trying to keep score and be sure everything is "even"....... notice that it's HIM he'll be driving nuts...... not you!... so don't let his stupidity bother you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Yeah I know and I know that it's wrong of me to try and co-parent with him like we did in the past. It just seems like he doesn't "get it"!! Having kids means that you end up sacrificing a lot of your free time and it seems like I'm doing all the sacrificing. I'm just going to have to rely more on my teenager to babysit if I want to be able to go out in the evening at a descent hour rather than waiting till 8:00 for him to show up. I'm not being a bad mother by going out on a Friday night when it's their father's night to have them.
He just refuses to see the extra time that I do have them after school even though I do pick them up at 8:00 in the evening the night before. One thing I'm doing differently is not taking Fridays off on his weekends so he has no choice but to have to be there for them before 8:00. The agreement on the every other weekend was indeed Fri, Sat, Sun. It's not fair that he gets to go on a dinner date before coming to get them on HIS weekends. He never even acknowledges that I've even kept them on Friday nights on his weekends just to keep the peace. It hasn't worked so I'm done.
Let me throw out my perspective from personal experience, with the intention of exploring a different angle to these things. I have a son, and I also have an ex. I haven't heard from the ex since June last year. Neither has my son. I work ok hours from 8am to 5pm, but I travel often, for up to a week. I am actively working on trying to cut down that travel time for the sake of my son, but that is another story. My son must be in school by 7:45 every morning, and picked up by 3pm. There is no way possible for me to pick him up, except for special cases when there is no other alternative. When I travel I can neither take him nor pick him up. I have no ex to assist. The down side is that I am left scrambling to find other ways to manage the situation. And believe me, where there is a will, there is a way. The good side is that I also don't stress about the ex not taking son or not picking him up. He isn't part of the picture so the situation is always clear.
Now I may not understand all of the problems invovled with an ex that does stick around, but I wonder if it isn't less stressful to just assume the ex won't help and just stop relying on him for it. Trying to force another individual to do what you want when they don't want to is usually a hopeless endevour. Perhaps look at what YOU can do to relieve the problem. I personally wouldn't recommend changing jobs either, because it sounds like you have a very good deal already. And is there even a guarantee that you will get the help you need working a 9 to 5 job? The kids still have to be picked up for example, and that usually before 5pm.
Maybe if you looked around the neighborhood for someone (another mother or teenager) who might want to babysit 3 days a week while you are at work. Do you think you could get the court to make ex cover part of the cost of the sitter? That might make it affordable. Ask your child's teacher if they know of anyone (maybe a parent of a classmate) who might be able to watch your child while you are at work. In my case, my mother moved in with me and watches my son while I am working. If you stop relying on the ex, you might find a bit of peace and find the child will be more at ease. I wouldn't say that it is giving in to the ex to do so, and in fact trying to get him to pay some of the expense might make him reconsider whether he wants to help you or not, and make him see that you are very serious and determined.
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