Trying to be strong, but Im dying inside
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Trying to be strong, but Im dying inside
| Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:53pm |
Hi everyone,
This might get drawn out...sorry. I am 29, have 2 kids...5 and 7. My husband and I have been seperated for 4 months now. Honestly this came as a surprise to me. We were together for 8 years. Through the years I always had a child in school and was basically a stay at home mom and i went to school PT at night(sometimes with him) We started together. I got pg with my dd shortly aftre we started dating, we baught a house a year after she was born (In his name because my credit was horrible) Got pg with ds and then finally got married after 5 years. We really loved each other though. So many things to say and I dont know where to begin. I worked PT here and there the whole time and we struggled with the bills, but always found a way. It was a big issue for him but I didnt know how big. I was the type that wouldnt care if I lived in the car, as long as we were together and guess I was blind to it. But my interests always got put behind his. I always missed class when we didnt have sitters etc. He wanted me to work FT but it wasnt feesible with one child still not in school. he never paid attention to me at family gatherings, never tried kissing me unless it led to sex. I was always afraid if I tried to kiss him, he would ask me what i was doing, if I did, he would grope me. Sometimes you just want a kiss. We had sex in the last few montsh we were together..but never kissed in that time...pathetic. He has had sleep issues in the past and actually had sex with me numerous times not knowing who i was...once even saying "what could I do to u if money wasnt an object". his "best friend" came on to me several time in our hosue, he never did anything about it. When I wanted him to confront him, he eventually did and lost his friend altogether which was good because he was a jerk and a cheat, but he blames me. But he cant give me a clear cut reason why he wanted to be seperated...first it was money...that I didnt keep up my side, then it was my attitude and not keeping things as in order as his mom,then it was school etc.He said he would be at his moms for the night...nd that was the last he ever stayed here. I honestly thought we would be back together by now and kept that hope up. He lives at his parents and doesnt have to pay anything, He got a scholarship for school FT that started last month and has said taht comes before me. He quit his job and only goes to school and works 2 days a week. He used to see the kids everyday after work, but in the past 2 months, only sees them once a week, when he has them, he sleeps. Im struggling here. I found a good FT job and am paying everything. He wont give me any money for the kids anymore. (we do have a court on Nov 22nd though) He has threatened to get a lawyer even thoguh he orginally wanted us to handle it (Until hsi family put their sense in) and said that me and the kids have to move, that I cant live off his name. I am paying for everything! The kids are so messed up now. I love him but cant believe how horrible he has been to me over the past 4 months. I also found out that I have a "female" cancer and he wasnt in the least supportive. i had a minor surgery just last week and had to pick my kids up from school on my way home because he said he couldnt pick them up anymore because he added more classes!....he wouldnt even take the kids for an hour that night so I could rest because "he had homework". He has told me he wants me out of his life for good and I know he doesnt care anymore. I tried everything and did everything I said I would to save it and it didnt matter afterall. Why does it still hurt so bad? All the good memories play over and over again and just when i think I'm doing good, I hit a wall and am crying for days again. He simply claims he just doesnt want to be married anymore, he wants to be single again and do what he wants, when he wants. I was not a bad wife! maybe that would have been fine if he helped with the kids, but he doesnt. I have so much more I could say. Im sorry this is long. My family must be tired of hearing about it and hating him so much.
I just need help. It literally makes me sick. I cant do this on my own anymore.
Karen
This might get drawn out...sorry. I am 29, have 2 kids...5 and 7. My husband and I have been seperated for 4 months now. Honestly this came as a surprise to me. We were together for 8 years. Through the years I always had a child in school and was basically a stay at home mom and i went to school PT at night(sometimes with him) We started together. I got pg with my dd shortly aftre we started dating, we baught a house a year after she was born (In his name because my credit was horrible) Got pg with ds and then finally got married after 5 years. We really loved each other though. So many things to say and I dont know where to begin. I worked PT here and there the whole time and we struggled with the bills, but always found a way. It was a big issue for him but I didnt know how big. I was the type that wouldnt care if I lived in the car, as long as we were together and guess I was blind to it. But my interests always got put behind his. I always missed class when we didnt have sitters etc. He wanted me to work FT but it wasnt feesible with one child still not in school. he never paid attention to me at family gatherings, never tried kissing me unless it led to sex. I was always afraid if I tried to kiss him, he would ask me what i was doing, if I did, he would grope me. Sometimes you just want a kiss. We had sex in the last few montsh we were together..but never kissed in that time...pathetic. He has had sleep issues in the past and actually had sex with me numerous times not knowing who i was...once even saying "what could I do to u if money wasnt an object". his "best friend" came on to me several time in our hosue, he never did anything about it. When I wanted him to confront him, he eventually did and lost his friend altogether which was good because he was a jerk and a cheat, but he blames me. But he cant give me a clear cut reason why he wanted to be seperated...first it was money...that I didnt keep up my side, then it was my attitude and not keeping things as in order as his mom,then it was school etc.He said he would be at his moms for the night...nd that was the last he ever stayed here. I honestly thought we would be back together by now and kept that hope up. He lives at his parents and doesnt have to pay anything, He got a scholarship for school FT that started last month and has said taht comes before me. He quit his job and only goes to school and works 2 days a week. He used to see the kids everyday after work, but in the past 2 months, only sees them once a week, when he has them, he sleeps. Im struggling here. I found a good FT job and am paying everything. He wont give me any money for the kids anymore. (we do have a court on Nov 22nd though) He has threatened to get a lawyer even thoguh he orginally wanted us to handle it (Until hsi family put their sense in) and said that me and the kids have to move, that I cant live off his name. I am paying for everything! The kids are so messed up now. I love him but cant believe how horrible he has been to me over the past 4 months. I also found out that I have a "female" cancer and he wasnt in the least supportive. i had a minor surgery just last week and had to pick my kids up from school on my way home because he said he couldnt pick them up anymore because he added more classes!....he wouldnt even take the kids for an hour that night so I could rest because "he had homework". He has told me he wants me out of his life for good and I know he doesnt care anymore. I tried everything and did everything I said I would to save it and it didnt matter afterall. Why does it still hurt so bad? All the good memories play over and over again and just when i think I'm doing good, I hit a wall and am crying for days again. He simply claims he just doesnt want to be married anymore, he wants to be single again and do what he wants, when he wants. I was not a bad wife! maybe that would have been fine if he helped with the kids, but he doesnt. I have so much more I could say. Im sorry this is long. My family must be tired of hearing about it and hating him so much.
I just need help. It literally makes me sick. I cant do this on my own anymore.
Karen

Karen, I am new to the arena too, others will be along I am sure to give you more experienced advice. I am wondering, do you have a lawyer? You said you are going to court Nov. 22nd. Hon, he will have to pay child support. Are you tracking all of your expenses during your separation? Really if he is trying to convince you that he has no more responsibility to you and the kids, he is wrong and the courts will set him right on this. It sounds like you are getting on well with the FT job. Does your family live in the area so that they can offer you support? I am sure they are not getting tired of hearing about it--that what families are for, to be there for the good times and the bad. Sometimes the best way to work through the pain is to talk it out or write it out. The heartbreak hon, it will get better, it is just gonna take some time. Hang in there, hon. Take care of yourself for yourself and your kids. Hugs to you.
Hi Karen-
I feel badly for you. I sit here and just feel the pain that you are going through and remember that it wasn't so long ago that I was right where you are. I can write words down on this mail that I think will help you feel better and give you advice that I hope will work for you, but the feelings that you are having aren't gonna go away until you work through them the very best that you can in whatever way that you can. You do need an attorney that will help you out with the legal issues. The financial end of things is a little tougher. Have you been to see if you can get any assistance with your water and electric bills? Just know that your husband should be so totally ashamed of himself for not taking care of these things that concern his children. Just know, too, that what goes around, comes around. I wonder what his family is getting out of this, with him letting the bills go and the battle they know you are fighting? Take one minute at a time to work through your emotions. Don't look ahead any further than that. It's a roller coaster ride and all you need to be concerned with is the now. Please let me know how you are doing.
Robin