Trying to build my self esteem not worki
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| Fri, 06-17-2005 - 10:10am |
Somebody please tell me what the heck im doing. I dont get it. I do so well when I dont see or talk to my ex. He came to pick up the baby this morning, I went downstairs, great. He needed to be changed so we took him back to the apt, I told him he could come up. I know I caused this myself but I dont know why I keep torturing myself. I asked him what would they do today he said he would probably take him to the park or something. Fine, but all I could think about was all the times I asked him to go to the park with us and he always made an excuse. But now he wants to go to the park with her and the baby. Then he's supposed to take him for Father's Day and I dont want him to visit at the house but the thought of the three of them kills me. He asked if I wanted him to take him tomorrow and keep him overnight bringing him back about 5p.m. b/c I need to get my hair done which is great I get some free time but again I know the 3 of them will be together.
I know its his gf and that's what gf and bf do but it just got to me. I got upset and ofcourse he acted as though he couldnt have possibly said anything that contributed to it. As if it was all me. We left the apt. started walking towards the bus, me to the store but they are both in the same direction. He saw how upset i was and the hardest thing for me is he just acts like so what, big deal like I dont exist and it really hurts. I mean I dont want him to confess his undying love to me but at the same time how can a person act like 5 1/2 yrs together and a child was just like any other run of the mill 2 month relationship. To make things better, I swear this girl knows exactly when to strike, his phone rings and he tells me hang on a minute and when he answered, he answered the way he used to answer when I called him on the phone. I just walked away in tears. He says he cares right will always love me but how in the hell do you see me upset like this and respond to her like that, doesnt he get it, that, that would hurt even more or is he doing this out of spite. You dont do this to someone you really care for.
Now for me when you care for someone and you see all this what do you do? You go after them to make sure they are okay right. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WHO CARE DO RIGHT! I think so. HE DIDNT! He just got on the bus. HOW CAN HE BE LIKE THIS, WHAT DID I DO WRONG for him to be so uncaring, unloving. I was in the store across the street, he knew I was going to the store b/c I told him I was. It's been an hour and he hasnt even called. But if i tell him he doesnt care about me he gets all bent out of shape telling me I dont know what Im talking about. I didnt expect him to "come after me" really but deep down inside i thought he did care and he would have. That's what your supposed to do. So this just leaves me to feeling that he MUST NOT give a DAMN about me at all. But if him and this girl get into it he goes all out to make it up to her see she's okay. Granted Im not priority like that anymore and I understand that but after all this he still means something to me and he did so much to hurt me how could I not mean anything to him anymore. And if so why did he stay with me all those years and plan a child with me. Did I ever mean anything real to him. Every time I think I gaining some ground getting over this something catches me from a direction I wasnt prepared for.
How do I stop this.

Hey there.... don't expect this to happen all overnight.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Like Karen said, it's going to be baby steps at first. You make some progress and then something happens and you backslide a little and have to work on regaining the progress you'd made. You were together a long time and it takes time to heal from that relationship ending. Some time may have passed since the breakup, but you've only recently started working on accepting that it is over, so don't expect too much of yourself too quickly.
I really think you need to stick to no contact, no contact, no contact (except about the baby). You need the space and time to heal and to start to shift his role in your mind to solely that of your child's father. If the baby needs to be changed, he could wait in the lobby instead of coming to the apartment with you. If you need to go to the store, you could let him go ahead and go to the store 5 minutes later. The less you interact, the less there is to upset you - if you hadn't been walking to the store with him, you wouldn't have been there to see the phone call from her. And the more you distance yourself, the less you're going to expect or need from him (eg. expecting he should comfort you) because you will have found other ways to fulfill your emotional needs that don't involve him.
-sang
Edited 6/17/2005 11:13 am ET ET by sang_froid
I hear you. I keep trying to understand from him why he treats me like this and he is just so nasty. telling me it's me and I annoy him and he has no choice but be this way. He's tried being nice to me and it doesnt make a difference. Claiming I try to controll his life telling him what he should do when gf calls and how he should talk, how long he should talk to her and if I dont like how he talks to me then dont talke to him, I was just so crushed, I just hung up the phone. I cant understand why he is so cruel to me. It's just EVIL, he's like pure evil. Always saying I need to give him a break. Im the one who causes all the tension. He does nothing at all. I have such a headache right now. He must really hate me. He's so mean and Im always nice, caring and loving to him. Why does he treat me like this in return? Is it too much to ask for that he be a little kind to me. He's still mad b/c he made a reference to the fact that I didnt give him or let him "borrow" $300 to try to get his truck back when it was repossesed. If I cant expect decency from him, then he cant expect money from me, I told him to ask his gf.since shes the one that get all the "good" treatment from him.
Why does he HATE me? He's annoyed that he has to take a 2hr ride to get back to his house and he had to take the stroller, thats not my fault. He had everything so easy with me and he threw it all away. But he's blaming it all on me.
Oh god, I cant take this.
The fact that you still have emotional expectations of him is why I think it's so important that you enforce the no contact. The kinds of interactions you're having aren't helping you - they're just prolonging your emotional attachment to him. If you enforce the no contact and give yourself time to heal, your life will be about yourself, not about how he's treating you today and what's he's done that's hurt your feelings.
I understand that it still hurts and it's hard to see him treating his new gf well. I suspect that part of the reason he's being hurtful to you and blaming you for the consequences of his own actions is because he's seeing you try to distance yourself from him, you're trying to set boundaries, and he liked things the way they were - having the new gf, but knowing you were on the backburner just in case.
The days you don't talk, you seem so much more in control of yourself in your posts. If you enforce the no contact with him, you can rid your life of a lot of unneccessary drama, and start working on moving on with 'your' life.
I know it's not easy. I spent a lot of months on an emotional rollercoaster with my ex. Conversations with him would affect me for days, make me feel bad about myself, etc. I realized that I had to take control of my life and started enforcing no contact about personal issues. It was rough at first because I was used to talking to him so often, but it wasn't very long before I realized how much better it was for me to not have to deal with the drama that always came with him on a daily basis. Now we hardly ever talk, but when we do he is actually nicer to me than when we were together. He used to save his nice face for other people while I got the garbage, but now I am "other people", which makes me wonder what exactly OW is living with - if I'm "other people" is she getting the garbage? That thought does make me smile a little, I must admit... =)
-sang
Something you wrote struck me...
"telling me it's me and I annoy him and he has no choice but be this way"
especially the part about "he has no choice but be this way."
I'm no expert, but I'm going through a divorce. My STBX was verbally/emotionally abusive, controlling, and manipulative (to say the least).
According to him, I caused him to be that way, which totally isn't true.
I agree with the advice from the other posters. And, I don't know your whole history, but there could be some emotional/verbal abuse going on. I also was blamed for everything, even though he's the one who was supposed to pay the bills, but didn't, and didn't bother to tell me either. When I asked him about collectors calling us, it all of a sudden was my fault.
Looking back, I kind of see it like I was under his spell or brainwashed. He would control, manipulate, and belittle me to get what he wanted. When he had a bad day, he'd take it out on me, even though I had nothing to do with it. I would rack my brain trying to understand what I did (even though I didn't do anything). Nothing I did to try to fix things mattered, because he would still lash out at me the next evening.
I don't know... I may be way off, but I thought I'd just throw it out there.
Good luck and ((((Hugs to you)))).