Trying to decide (long)
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| Sat, 12-31-2005 - 11:00am |
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post since I haven't filed for divorce yet but here it goes...
I've been married for 2.5 yrs and have a 7mo. old DD. We argued alot even before we got married but somehow I told myself that he would change once we got married (I know, I know). About 3mo. after we were married I found out that he was looking for sex via an internet dating site. Needless to say I was devastated. We had only been married 3mo! I actually ended up quitting my good paying job about one month later because I was so distraught I couldn't perform my job and it was causing me stress at work too! So I left a career that I loved, made me feel good about myself, etc. I took one month off and didn't work at all. I needed to get my head on straight. I/we decided to stay together and try to make it work. I was great for a while, but then of course it was back to fighting. He hasn't done the internet stuff since (at least not that i've found yet), but I don't have any respect for him. And he lies constantly, about the most ridiculous stuff! I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He travels alot for work so that doesn't help with the trust issues of course (and no, he won't quit).
I have never gotten over what happened early on in our marriage. I'm so angry about it everyday that I just lash out at him (not in front of DD though). Sometimes I feel like I actually HATE him. I want to get over it but just don't know how. He doesn't understand why i'm still upset about it. Or he just says what he thinks I want to hear "I know, I really messed up. I'm sorry". It's so phoney I want to choke him!! HE DOESN'T GET IT. And I obviously can't make him "get it". That's why I can't move on. He doesn't really understand what this has done to me.
Anyway, we have a laundry list of problems but everytime I want to talk about it to try to work on the marriage - he either pretends to listen (but not really HEAR me) or just says the "right thing" to get it over with. I truley believe that he thinks i'll never leave him, no matter what he does.
Part of me feels like I should try to keep working on the marriage (despite his FAKE attempts), but then I tell myself if he's not going to be honest then what's the point? One person can't fix a bad marriage. I just wish he really wanted to try to change to make the marriage better! I'm not asking much, just be honest, responsible, trustworthy, and willing to really listen. I guess that's too much.
I'm not sure what to do. I know that no one here can make that decision for me, i'd just love to hear your thoughts and/or experiences.
How did you make the decision to leave? Do you feel that you gave the marriage every possible chance to survive? If you were a SAHM (which I am), how did you gather the courage to get a job, put the kid/kids in daycare, and start a new life?
Thanks for reading!
T

T,
My advice to you is get out of the house right away. Give yourself a break from the situation, get some distance, and give yourself a chance to calm down long enough to think things through. I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. Here's my story. . . kind of long, but. . . .
I "fell out of love" with my husband a long, long time ago. He was emotionally abusive to me early in our marriage, but he thought it was "tough love" and he was doing it "for own good." We have been through counseling at various times in our relationship, and his promises to change his ways have always faded away as he got comfortable and felt I wouldn't leave him. He is a stubborn, stubborn person who won't listen to anybody, and has made many foolish decisions that have cost us dearly, not only in terms of money but with our families and friends. He is on his 7th job in our 10-year relationship. He has lost some jobs and had poor performance reviews in others.
On the day I "left" him, I briefly considered turning the gun that he gave me for our 1st Christmas together on myself. He saw me with it. We had been arguing because I had a terrible headache that morning and needed his help with the kids, but instead of helping me he went and trimmed the neighbors' yard. (He was not being paid for this; the neighbor is in better physical shape, makes more money and works far fewer and more reasonable hours than my husband, so there was no reason for him to do it except he likes to hear people talk about what a nice guy he is; I saw it as just one more way he was putting others before us; there are so many things he has neglected at our house and I can't do it all by myself. He always says he doesn't have time or money to take care of our place, but he has plenty of time and money to go do something for anybody else.) Anyway, after I put the gun away, the argument continued. In my frustration, I slapped him, twice, then proceeded to pack our children's and my clothes to go to my parents' home. When I started packing he called 911. I was arrested and taken to jail for aggravated domestic assault (I have never, ever been in any trouble before, and I'm 34 years old).
While I was spending my 12 hours in jail, he took our children and our neighbors out for dinner in my van. That night, instead of taking care of the girls himself, he had a neighbor bathe them and put them to bed while he went somewhere (never found out where) with her husband. When I was allowed to return to the house to get my clothes, he had removed my house key from my key ring and hidden all the extras. He told all the neighbors that he was being abused and now my "best friends" refuse to speak to me. They, and his family, cooked and cleaned for him during the time I was under bond and not allowed to go home.
I am now required to attend Skills Against Violence classes for the next 6 months. I know it was wrong to hit him, and I definitely won't do it again. At the moment I just felt there was no other way to get through to him. I think I could forgive him for calling the police--he didn't know they would arrest me and he cried and begged them not to take me--but his behavior afterward is something I don't think I will forget or forgive. He has admitted to me that no, I did not threaten him with the gun, but he didn't tell that to the D.A. and told her (according to my lawyer) that he didn't want to just dismiss the charges altogether.
We have talked with our minister and a marriage counselor several times since all this happened--marriage counseling was even part of my sentence--but we have since stopped going because I don't want to save the marriage. There is just no way I can live with this man any more.
Okay, that said--please get out before your feelings of anger and resentment get out of control and you wind up where I did!!! You need to understand that he won't "GET IT" if he hasn't already. And whether or not his apologies are sincere, they are useless if you are unable to let it go. You do not want your DD to grow up in a home where Mommy's always mad; I know because that's the kind of home I grew up in. You don't have to file for divorce right away. He may just need to know you're serious (by moving out) before he can find it in him to make amends. But don't count on that, okay?
I too am a SAHM, and I sent out my first batch of resumes right before Christmas, so hopefully I'll be hearing something soon. As for finding the courage. . . my situation has kind of forced it, but just remember how much you love your DD and how it's important to give her the best possible life.
Good luck, and let me know if I can be of any help to you.
Hugs,
jujud
I too am struggling with this decision like you. I have been lurking around these boards for a few weeks and I felt compelled to respond to your message.
You see I faced a similar situation. I also caught my H looking for sex via an internet site, while I was six months pregnant with our second son. I was devastated to say the least. Not only was I pregnant, but we also had a two year old son and I couldn't fathom raising the children on my own. We went to counseling and tried to make a go of it. That was five years ago.
I wish I had good news for you, but sadly I don't. Right before Christmas I discovered H was having an affair with a co-worker. He swears it was an emotional affair and now he desperately wants to make things work. I am once again destroyed. I am so confused. As I write this out I can't believe that I am questioning what my next move should be, but I am. H is such a salesman he has me believing that we can make this work, that he is a changed man, that this will never happen again. He is so desperate he has me feeling sorry for him.
I hope this helps you. Good luck to you and your little one.