Trying to decide what is best for my kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Trying to decide what is best for my kid
6
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:50pm
I am new to the message board, so please bear with me. I have been married for 14 years, and have three small children. My husband is very faithful. We have had a lot of difficulties in the past few years (unemployment, deaths in the family, a move, tough pregnancies, to name a few). I was always very much in love with him, but in the past few years, I feel like I am really seeing him for the first time. Now I find him arrogant and ignorant on most matters, and I don't really know that I love him. He put us in a great amount of debt attempting to run a business that he was convinced was going to make us rich. As a matter of fact, throughout the marriage he kept promising me that all kinds of financial help for us was right around the corner. I have a great deal of trust issues with him. Not over fidelity, but over his judgement. Mostly I am staying in the marriage because I am financially dependent on him (with three small kids, day care would cost more than I could make), and I feel that separating and living 1000 miles apart would be devastating to the kids. There's so much more, but this the short version. I feel like perhaps I made a terrible mistake 14 years ago, that I now have dragged three little children into. I have no one to talk to, and I was wondering if there was anyone else out there that has been in this type of situation. Thanks for listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:11pm
I've been there, done that. I was married for 13 years with three little kids plus one big kid (my husband!). My husband was not a business man but thought he was. He was also faithful, did not abuse drugs, alcohol, all the things that you would consider people leaving their husband for. After a few years of marriage, I was like you and saw him for what he was. He put us in debt crazy and then I was the one who had to deal with creditors, bankers, etc. He would avoid the phone calls and not deal with any of it. He'd spend money on get rich quick schemes. Never wanted a job where he would have to punch a time clock because he was "better than that" whatever that means. It was OK if I had to work 60 hours a week but he couldn't. The reasons he failed in his business were never because of him. Everyone else had it made, and he always felt sorry for himself. I finally had it. It was way too much stress and the stress of dealing with all the financial burdens, etc. was making me physically sick. When I suggested counseling he said I was the crazy one, he didn't need help. Well, I lost all respect for him and I got to the point I felt nothing for him. He moved out and he made my life as miserable as he could. We did get divorced but it was a horrible thing to go through. He still has nothing, but blames me for everything bad in his life. He's the type of person who is very revengeful. He tried turning my kids against me. Now, the older two have nothing to do with him. Kids are smart and can see through a lot. I feel for you because on one hand I feel like marrying him was the biggest mistake in my life but then I look at my wonderful kids and I can't imagine my life without them. They are not a mistake. For the longest time, I felt guilty for splitting up a family but I needed my sanity. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:40pm
You might want to check with an attorney before you move so far away. In our state you are not allowed to move to another state without permission. From the court and your ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:24pm
Thanks for the information. Unfortunately, that means that if we do split up, I cannot go back to a place where I have family to help raise the kids, at least without permission. Thanks again for the information.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:35pm
Thanks so much for the response. It is difficult to have no one to talk to about it. Yeah, my husband has a lot of those charateristics. I thought about counseling, but I am sort of afraid that I won't be able to articulate my side very well, or, even with the counseling, he will hear only what he wants to hear. In particular, throughout my marriage, he has always been very down on me for not being overly interested in intimacy with him. He has always told me that something was wrong with me. It is not until recently that I figured out that this could be due to a lot of trust issues, and the problem wasn't ME but HIM!!! Of course, he would never see it that way. I have decided that I can't change who he is, so I am not sure what benefit counseling would be. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It makes me feel a little better that I am not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:52pm
You can move closer to your family. Just check to make sure first. If it is okay with your husband then there shouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't want you to get into trouble.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:40pm
She's not saying you can't leave she's just saying you have to go through the proper channels. Especially if you do not have a job and you have no family around you most likely will be allowed to leave. My friend fought his wife leaving the state with his daughter and she was ultimately allowed to leave the state to go back home because that's where her family was. So since you aren't working and the family would offer you "support" etc. the court may rule in your favor that it would be beneficial for you to have family support around. SO I wouldn't rule it out she's just telling you to follow the proper channels and not just up and leave because you could get in trouble.

Smile,

Deirdre