Trying to figure out whether to divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Trying to figure out whether to divorce
11
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 9:56am

My husband and I are very unhappy together. We used to be fight regularly and after 15 years together had finally come to a good place. Then the kids came and from my point of view, he completely changed. It was like he couldn't stand having to share me. He got very angry that I didn't have as much time for him. I tried, but what with working full time and having twins, not to mention that he doesn't lift a finger around the house, it got worse and worse. Now he is a very unhappy person, says he doesn't see us ever being happy together again, but thinks it would be wrong to split up because of the kids.  I think maybe splitting up would be better. He wants me to be a different person than I am. He has always gotten angry with me because I am not adventurous sexually. He would like me to do wife swapping and other things that I am just not comfortable with. I think in order to make him happy, he has to have all the things he wants. He doesn't have to help around the house, he gets all the wild sex he wants (no matter how awful it makes me feel), he does just what he wants and nothing he doesn't want. And then he gets angry with me because I have no time for him. I spend every minute working, taking care of the kids and taking care of the apartment, cooking etc. How am I supposed to have time for him when he won't help? We went to counseling for 2 years and nothing really changed. He says he will do more to help but what he doesn't understand is that he has to do 50% in order for me to have time for him. Not 1%. So then when he sees I am still overwhelmed he says helping doesn't make any difference.

I think I am just married to a very selfish man. And I don't think it is ever going to get better. Is it so wrong to break up when you have kids? Our kids are about to turn 8. I am thinking I should ask him to move out as soon as he can. He has already said he can't afford to keep our apartment by himself, so I would be the one to stay here, at least until the lease expires.  The saddest thing about all of this is that I still love him and I think I always will. But I need someone to love me back enough to be a real partner. And not expect me to betray myself by doing sexual things I not only don't WANT to do, but that for me just feel wrong. Like I would be killing part of myself.

Please, give me your opinions. After 24 years together and then listening to him tell me how terrible I am to him because I don't meet his needs, I often just don't know if I can trust my own judgement any more.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:17am

Thank you very much Priest Ajigar for i never thought any thing could make my husband come back to me as his wife again after he broke up with me and left to settle down with another woman who never Knew how we both suffered and share feelings together in USA but thank God today i was lucky to see this great spell caster on a site after seeing a lots of testimony and good work he have done in the lives of people helping them to get their ex,husbands and wife renewing their relationship i was convinced and i contacted him and just in 3 days after the spell was casted my beloved husband came looking for me and right now we are together again and he is taking care of me and the little kids as his responsibilities and family.I advice today if you are looking for a real and powerful spell caster just know that Priest Ajigar is a very powerful and a genuine spell caster and he don't do dark or black magic here is his email(priestajigarspells@live.com)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 7:09am
Try researching Passive-Aggressive Personality and then Narcissist.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 2:24pm

Oh my, if he had been my partner, he would have been out the door long ago. He sounds a throwback to a generation or two ago. Reminds me of watching Mad Men, early 60s period. Life doesn't have to be like that and shouldn't be in 2012. I am amazed the number of posts I still read with this same theme. Some men do not seem to get that for women, intimacy begins in the living room, the kitchen, etc. A man who shows his wife that he cares out of the bedroom, a man who a wife can respect out of the bedroom, will have a a wife who really wants to be with him in the bedroom. I don't think you are asking too much and are toally justified in wanting to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 8:37am
Anon - your story sounds very similar to mine. My STBX is incredibly selfish. He was the same way about sex. He barely worked or contributed to the marriage or to the family. He said he was going to change but after a week or two he would revert back to his selfish ways. I am the one with the good job. I am the one who takes care of our DS. I am the one who cooks and cleans and takes care of everything. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who will be a partner with you. Your kids deserve more and they deserve a Mom who is fully engaged because she is happy and healthy in life. Only you can decide how to make that happen. To me your relationship, as it currently stands, is not healthy for you or for your kids. You can try to make things work, but remember you can only change yourself. You cannot change your husband or make him change. If you think he is willing to truly commit to becoming the person you want and need him to be then give it one more chance. If you don't get that commitment from him then I think you need to take charge of your life and your happiness and move forward in the best way possible for you and your kids. When I finally made the decision to get a divorce I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I am currently still in the process of getting a divorce. It is hard and stressful, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. To me, where I will end up and where my DS will end up is worth all the pain right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 5:33pm

So then it sounds like he's untrustworthy as well as being extremely selfish. I think you'd be better off without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 4:43pm
PS--He has lied to me many many times in the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 4:42pm

xxxs--Yes, I still love him but how I can turn myself into a person I don't want to be, just to please him?  I am in my early 50s. We own nothing. I earn enough to support myself. Part of the reason I think he is still here and doesn't want to leave is that he is not making much money. So he wants to stay here with me until his income increases more. He keeps saying that is not the case, but I feel like it is.  Just found out that he spent the whole day with a very pretty woman who is into cycling. Supposedly teaching her how to do what he does for a living. Un huh. She already has a career, so that seems a bit odd to me. But he craves attention from other women and will do anything to get it.  He has a history of having online affairs and says he is not doing that any more. I'm not sure if I believe him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 4:38pm
He says that he used to put in effort but he got tired of keeping us together. So now he makes no effort toward me, doesn't care about doing anything to help our relationship. He's only nice to me when he wants something, like sex. My heart is broken but I was thinking about this the other day and realized that the more I try to twist myself into what he says he wants, I will be unhappier and unhappier. I guess I have to let my heart be broken and then eventually recover. I wish I didn't still love him, but I suppose I always will.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 4:34pm

  This is something that needs careful consideration.  After 24 years together,he is not going to change.  And yes having children does change the dynamics.  16 years with out children is a long time and those habits formulated are not easy to break. 

   That said you are in your middle to late forties early 50's?   Can you really afford to divorce?  The cost will be very high.  Emotionally you mentioned that you still love him.  Think carefully.  It would not be a good thing to drift back and forth.  I suggest getting all the information before doing any action.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 3:19pm

I agree--this all sounds very one sided--he expects you to work, take care of the kids & house, cater to his sexual needs--I suppose he's working too but is he doing anything to make you feel positive about the marriage?  No, it's all about him.  I think kids are better off if their parents are divorced rather than living together and being miserable--they really do pick up on it.  

Pages