Trying to leave BUT

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Trying to leave BUT
27
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:48am

Hello,

Im a 27 year old at home mother of two. I have been married 7 years and with him for 10. I want out of this marriage so bad. I just can't seem to get the "strenght" to go. This marriage is tearing me down-it has for years. We have had a turbulant marriage for 6 of the 7 years we have been togther.

We tried marriage counseling about 4 years ago (when i was pregnant with my 2nd child). Well it didnt work b/c hubby wasnt really trying. One session he said he couldnt make it b/c he was at work-truth was he was out to dinner with his secretary. He partied alot-stayed out-came home waster-we faught. I cried and cried asked him to get help (he didnt need any)asked him to stop drinking so much and going out. There were times he didnt come home and times he'd come home at 2am. This happened far too often for a while.

He has been to anger management (strangled me when I was pregnant with the 2nd child) and he left it b/c he thought he was doing good. He is now in therapy and "TRYING" to make things work-but its not really trying. im emorionally detached as of Nov 2004- I have wanted out-there was an incident that broke the camels back-so I have detached after many "chances" waiting for him to come around.

He thinks he has changed-I still get called the B word and told to f off. He so much has told me I couldnt take care of myself (finacially-and this is where Im scared-finacially and THE ONLY REASON I STAY) he told me I havent been in the work force for 8 years-I have no marketable skills. Its starting to wear on me

We have a leased vehicle,he owns his truck, we have a house, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and about 2 debts besides the house. I would want to stay in this house b/c mortgage is about the same as renting around here (live in IL).

Im so tired emotionally-I see a therapist to gain strength to leave-she even says this marriage is killing me. I have seen 2 lawyers and get scared. I know 28% is for child support-and maintenance is negotiable-Im affraid I will have to work 2 jobs never see my kids and be misrable. Throw my 3 (soon to be 4 year old in day care) which by the way costs 800 per month just for him. My oldest will need before and after care-ugh!! AND to top that all off the lawyer wants 2500 to retain her-gosh I have no job-how can I pay for it-we dont even have 100$ sitting around. Hubby spends like he doesnt care-well he doesnt. We grew up so different-and I think my childhood (divorced parents-moving alot mom never home-b/c she was working/and tryin to have her OWN life-food stamps-section 8 houseing-crazy drugs-alcohol abuse-yadayada) it scares me-though I know I wont be the drug/alcohol part-the rest not knowing not being able to pay bills-gosh I dont want to have the kids stressed about where we will live next. I also have no family-and when i sayd that I mean dependable for babysitting or anyhting-no where to fall no where to even fall for a hug. its rough

Thanks for listening. I feel like a "stupid girl" who can't even get herself out of a mess that is emotionally killing her-
My oldest even said "when you are you and dad getting a divorce" and "we will be better off without dad here"-only thing hubby provides is money to pay bills-and that is all I need him for-otherwise Im a single mom. He is around more-but 6 years of emotional damage I had enough!! And to be honest the emotional stuff is still going on-so he can't say he has changed-

I want out so bad-but SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:20pm

Thanks so much advice so wanted I need a push-its ridiculous I can't/wont leave-

I called displaced homemakers and keep getting the old "will call you back" and now on week 2 nothing-I plan on calling tomorrow again!!!

I also am playing phone tag with a lady to get some dircetion as far as school and such goes-Im tired of getting nowhere-I get discouraged-

I am also going to call another lawyer (mom's bf uses them) as to get a consultation from them and see what we can do-knowledge for me from them--

thanks I know I need to get out and dont understand why I HAVENT LEFT YET-the dang fear-is ruling my life I hate it! Im mad at me for not leaving along time ago-and why I havent enough strength to leave now-if not for me for my kids-this is where I get angry at myself

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:37pm

I am also in Illinois. There is a place called A Safe Place in Waukegan. Call them and they will help you sort this all out and help provide housing for you and your children. Stay safe and well, you never know when the next time will be and if he'll really hurt you. You need help.


Melanie

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:38pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:59pm

I so apologize if that second post sounded like I was bonking you over the head. Absolutely not my intention.

As for not having a support system, that's my situation too. It's tiring and complicated, although doable. How to do it financially... I'd say see if a lawyer will represent you based on H's income. It shouldn't be impossible to make him pay the atty fees. You need full child support and should take a shot at spousal support. If you get custody of the kids (most likely), that should give you leverage in keeping the house. Then there's school - scholarships, grants, even loans. What I'm doing right now is checking with the state employment dept for funding of any sort for remedial training.

Again, sorry about any misunderstanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:16pm
I didnt take it wrong-please dont think you have to be "sensitive" with me-I need a push really I DO!!! I need to have things just put out there-I am thankful that I have those who do tell me HONESTY-and be real-
I so need that kind of support-thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:36pm

Honey, listen to me. I didn't read any of the other posts so I hope I am not repeating anything. You are more valuable than anything in the world. Every person is. Do not let this man overtake your life.
First off, contact a women's crisis center, or domestic abuse office or clinic. There should be one in most every city. Trust me, far better off to go to a womens' shelter and start your new life from there than to continue to live in this environment.
It is virtually impossible to create a clean, healthy life when such dysfunction exists. The other person (the abuser) wants to be in control, and any change in that balance usually infuriates the person doing the abusing. And he is abusive.
I am also living with a verbally abusive man. I have everything set in motion and a well-thought out plan. I told him I need two months to get myself off the ground before we separate. I gave him a choice, either we (my children and I) will be in our home to do this, and if you pull any of your stuff I have it set up to go to a shelter. He and I know that if he doesn't back off of me for the length of time I need to be on my own with the kids, I will be off to a shelter in the nick of time. I am not afraid anymore to go to a shelter. Better to be in a small, cramped space for a while, than to live in a prison with your tormentor.
You are still so incredibly young, the fact that you are 27 and have not really been in a work force is not as bad as you think. There are 50 year olds who enter the work force after never working before. You are young and you can start over. Please, please don't stay in this marriage anymore, it will take its toll on you and the children. Almost every woman gets to a point where she doesn't fear the unknown anymore and know that they cannot exist one more day like they are when they are being abused in some way. Take the initiative now and don't wait till you are at your wits end. Lots of love and hugs your way. BTW - women are made extra strong with reserves of strength for the times we need it. That will help get you through. You will discover strength that you never even knew you had once you leave him.

G-D Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 1:10pm

I am so sorry you have found the need for this particular support group.

That being said, just know that you are not alone! Many, many women have walked the road you now face and come successfully to a new and happy life. I am one of them. I have gone through many of the same experiences and feelings that you have, down to being strangled--twice--that's when I knew I had to leave. I have also faced emotional abuse, been a stay at home mom worried about re-entering the workforce. After a 15 year gap in experience, I now adequately support myself and children. Know that it IS possible.

Although you feel young and undereducated, you CAN provide for yourself and your children--if you're willing to work hard and learn. From the excellent way you express yourself, I can tell you are an intelligent woman. Don't sell yourself short.

You've gotten excellent suggestions from the previous posters and I have one more encouragement. Don't feel shame over having been abused. I did and those feelings kept me paralyzed and unable to take action for a long time. The abuse was not my fault. It's not your fault either. We both deserve respect and sometimes we have to demand it and fight for it.

There are many, many job-training programs out there and grants and loans for college as well as programs for daycare assistance. It will take action, perseverence and patience on your part. You can do it! You've taken the first steps by seeking out your local assistance programs. Keep that up. Keep going to the women's shelter for assistance. You don't have to be bloody and bruised for them to help you. Your therapist will know how to help guide you as well.

Continue listening to your son...our children are more perceptive than we realize. Your sons deserve better too.

Good luck to you on your journey.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 4:31pm

Thank you so much-
I do deserve better. I know I do-I have been on the phone on and off today-of couse its the waiting game as usual-

I will start more calling starting Monday-I do need to leave-I do need to get out of this-I need to just suck up the fear and go-but how come my feet wont move?

I thank each and everyone of you for your thoughs-and time. I will get out of this-I just have to get over my fears-IN hopes that I can get into school-to educate myself-that is one step closer to being free- I will not stay forever.

I have moments where Im like-I have a house-and a vehicle-stay at home-why give this up??? He doesnt lay his hands on me-but does lash out verbally-

I thank you all-THANKS!! Im am confussed-feel lost-I hope it comes together before I completely lose myself-thanks for your compassion-and caring hearts-and words

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 4:14am

Sweetie, you are in WAY over your head. Take a DEEP BREATH. Now, listen ...


You are being abused. Your husband is displaying Domestic Violence. There is verbal, emotional, phsyical, sexual & financial DV. Sounds like you are exposed to much of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 4:18am
That is ABSOLUTELY DV. ABSOLUTELY. How long ago was that? B/c you CAN have him charged with attempted assault with a deadly weapon. *THINK* what woudl have happened if that knife hit you. Or one of your kids by mistake.

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