Trying to leave BUT
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| Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:48am |
Hello,
Im a 27 year old at home mother of two. I have been married 7 years and with him for 10. I want out of this marriage so bad. I just can't seem to get the "strenght" to go. This marriage is tearing me down-it has for years. We have had a turbulant marriage for 6 of the 7 years we have been togther.
We tried marriage counseling about 4 years ago (when i was pregnant with my 2nd child). Well it didnt work b/c hubby wasnt really trying. One session he said he couldnt make it b/c he was at work-truth was he was out to dinner with his secretary. He partied alot-stayed out-came home waster-we faught. I cried and cried asked him to get help (he didnt need any)asked him to stop drinking so much and going out. There were times he didnt come home and times he'd come home at 2am. This happened far too often for a while.
He has been to anger management (strangled me when I was pregnant with the 2nd child) and he left it b/c he thought he was doing good. He is now in therapy and "TRYING" to make things work-but its not really trying. im emorionally detached as of Nov 2004- I have wanted out-there was an incident that broke the camels back-so I have detached after many "chances" waiting for him to come around.
He thinks he has changed-I still get called the B word and told to f off. He so much has told me I couldnt take care of myself (finacially-and this is where Im scared-finacially and THE ONLY REASON I STAY) he told me I havent been in the work force for 8 years-I have no marketable skills. Its starting to wear on me
We have a leased vehicle,he owns his truck, we have a house, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and about 2 debts besides the house. I would want to stay in this house b/c mortgage is about the same as renting around here (live in IL).
Im so tired emotionally-I see a therapist to gain strength to leave-she even says this marriage is killing me. I have seen 2 lawyers and get scared. I know 28% is for child support-and maintenance is negotiable-Im affraid I will have to work 2 jobs never see my kids and be misrable. Throw my 3 (soon to be 4 year old in day care) which by the way costs 800 per month just for him. My oldest will need before and after care-ugh!! AND to top that all off the lawyer wants 2500 to retain her-gosh I have no job-how can I pay for it-we dont even have 100$ sitting around. Hubby spends like he doesnt care-well he doesnt. We grew up so different-and I think my childhood (divorced parents-moving alot mom never home-b/c she was working/and tryin to have her OWN life-food stamps-section 8 houseing-crazy drugs-alcohol abuse-yadayada) it scares me-though I know I wont be the drug/alcohol part-the rest not knowing not being able to pay bills-gosh I dont want to have the kids stressed about where we will live next. I also have no family-and when i sayd that I mean dependable for babysitting or anyhting-no where to fall no where to even fall for a hug. its rough
Thanks for listening. I feel like a "stupid girl" who can't even get herself out of a mess that is emotionally killing her-
My oldest even said "when you are you and dad getting a divorce" and "we will be better off without dad here"-only thing hubby provides is money to pay bills-and that is all I need him for-otherwise Im a single mom. He is around more-but 6 years of emotional damage I had enough!! And to be honest the emotional stuff is still going on-so he can't say he has changed-
I want out so bad-but SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Those MOMENTS? "I have a house-and a vehicle-stay at home-why give this up??? He doesnt lay his hands on me" ......
Fate?
You are so right-my kids cant choose-
Matter of fact there are days my oldest says we'd better without dad around. But there are days when the oldest gets mad at me and says he wants to live with his dad-
Thing is h isnt around this weekend so it will peaceful-he was at the bar last night-but came home-after I fed the kids dinner and snack-I left the house to meet up with a gf to breath-
This house this car-its just security-(physically) I hope to get there so I can file-I want to just fear stops me-I know I sound like a broken record-but I really fear not making it financially-and my H keeps telling me I can't afford to be on my own, can't take care of the kids let alone myself, and that I have no marketable skill (which his therapist told him-that I probably couldnt find a job b/c I havent worked in 8 years) so I feel beat down and stupid and go dang how can I make it?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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