Trying my best

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Trying my best
8
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:48pm

I feel like giving up! Tuesday night my ex came to pick up the kids and my son asked him for money for some school function and my ex told him no (surprise). Anywhoo the kids were discussing it and they asked why he didn't ask me for the money and my teenage daughter's reply was "because Mom is selfish".

I was shocked when I heard about it. I mean I am really busting butt to make ends meet, working overtime, taking call ALL the time when I don't have kids and am filing bankruptcy. During the summer I got her an Ipod mini for her birthday and $60 sneakers that she HAD to have and a brand new bed and she says I'm SELFISH. I am shaking my head in dismay.

I know that she is angry with me because I can't afford to take her to buy new clothes right now, but I'm trying to get out of serious financial trouble. My ex isn't around as much as I am so he gets to ride in and be the big hero. I am afraid that my ex is going to use my daughter's words against me and try for full custody and child support.

I make more than my ex and I have the family home which is a money pit with fuel costs and utilities and if I have to give HIM money I don't know what I'll do. I'm lucky that I get to keep my house and car after the bankruptcy. He can't afford to buy a house because his construction business isn't guaranteed income all the time so he lives in a two bedroom apartment.

There's no way I'm going to lose my house to finance him because he's got a loser job. I was hoping that I was building a better relationship with my kids, but I guess not. She thinks I'm selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:22pm

teens are like this. don't lose heart - she is acting

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:57pm

I agree with the other poster, don't take it personally. I remember back when I was a teenager I said some really horrible, hurtful things to my mother and they really weren't about her at all. I was mad or disappointed about something else all together and lashed out at her. One time I remember that she started to cry when I said something horrible to her. My mother quickly dried her tears and said that I obvioulsy wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss things so we would talk later. I was upset because I was 17 and wanted to go to my boyfriend's soccer game but I was grounded. The comment was not related to my being grounded at all.

I don't have teenagers yet, but I know there have been times my children have said something that really hurt. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to make the hard choices and the decisions that are right, even though they may not be popular with my short people, because it is my job. At the end of the day, making sure that they grow up to be productive, caring, responsible adults is up to me and if that means that I don't always buy them everything they want, then so be it.

I know what she said hurt you, but just keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing. Of course a teenager thinks that new clothes is more important than food or electricity, but in time she will see how many sacrifices you made for both of them and they will appreciate it.

AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:48pm
Thank you for the support guys. I get so frustrated and I feel like I am the enemy all the time because I am always asking them to pick up after themselves or dealing with their fights or getting annoyed at them doing crazy things like throwing a ball in the house. It builds up and then they go off to their father and bad mouth me. I don't hit them or withold the essentials, I'm just trying to survive and teach them not to ask for stuff and then rip the house apart. My ex eats it all up because he's not around as much and this is how he deals with his guilt, by belittling my role.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
In reply to: isysmoon
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:44pm
You've done nothing wrong. Your daughter is the one who is being selfish (typical for teens!) She'll get over it. When you don't give in to her every demand or desire, you are actually helping her. Kids these days are WAY too spoiled. Most teens go through a period of rebelliousness/anger, all you can do is continue to be there for her and keep loving her. I know it's hard when they treat you like crap....I don't have kids, but when I was a teen, I was the same way. I eventually came around, felt terrible about the way I had treated my mom, and apologized sincerely to her...we've been close ever since. Keep your chin up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:13pm
I just got paid today, I get paid every two weeks. After paying my mortgage, paying utilities and my car insurance and doctor bill I have about $350 left over. That's supposed to buy me groceries and gas for the next two week. I wish I could let my kids see this. They know I'm a nurse and I make good money, but maintaining a home is HARD. I filed bankruptcy to get out from under credit cards, but I still have everything that comes with this house. And I don't even want to think about Christmas coming arrrrggggggg!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: isysmoon
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 6:37pm

Ex cannot use your teenager's casual griping to get custody. However, your teen CAN decide she WANTS to live with Dad, and then yes, custody may change. Do you think she wants to go live in his apartment?

How old is your teen? If she is 16 then it is time to begin allowing her to learn what it costs to live in a house, apartment, pay utilities. Perhaps she would like to see some of the schools and neighborhoods she may end up living in next year if you start getting selfish, and stop busting your butt to prevent her from having to leave her friends?

I have no way of knowing why she said it. It may have been one of those foot-in-the-mouth BAD jokes that young people succumb to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 10:31pm

Oh Honey - can you sit & have a heart to heart with her? I bet it has NOTHING to do with YOU. Its hormones & teen-ager-ness!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: isysmoon
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 2:31pm

I think a lot of it is that the "grass is greener" on the other side of the fence. My 8-year-old can't wait to go with him at the end of my weekend and when it's time for me to pick her up she's calling me every 5 minutes to see when I'm coming.

I truly don't know if she would decide to live with him. It's hard to judge. Both my teens are so damn moody. My son is ragging on me one minute and the next he's telling me about this great book I should read. She's the same way. We went out to lunch yesterday as a recognition for their report cards and we were having conversation and playing "hang man" on the back of the placemats. I at least feel llike I sent them off to their dad's in the right space of mind.