Trying to sort through the changes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Trying to sort through the changes
6
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 10:55pm
I'm new to all of this. Message boards and divorce. I've been married 5 years and have a toddler. My husbnad and I decided recently to divorce. Really a mutual decision, and definitely the right one, but still difficult to make, especially with a baby to consider. ANyway, what has me the saddest right now is that I feel like this has been a slap in the face as far as the rest of my life is concerned. I have lots of "friends" but no really close ones. I guess I thought some were better friends than they really are. I just feel like right now I really need some good friends to step up and just be an occasional shoudler to cry on. Instead they're all caught up in their own lives and no one seems to realize that I haven't got anyone in the world right now to lean on. I think I'm doing really well, and that's what everyone keeps saying, but it just would be nice to have a friend once in a while that I knew I could count on. Instead I feel like I just have a nunch of people I know who just want to hear how "okay" I'm doing. Guess I'm just feeling really alone right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 12:47am
I hear you. I am in the process of divorcing after 12 years and one son. Also a mutual decision, but it is a HUGE change, and I feel guilty for breaking my vow to love him as long as we both shall live. I am fortunate to have a best friend that I talk to almost every day. The other two women that I am close to are my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. That is awkward because I can't say too many negative things about him to his family members, so it looks like we are divorcing for no good reason. ANYWAY, use this time to enjoy your child and re-kindle old friendships. I know that when we are newly-weds or raising a young child, our freindships get put on the back burner. So reach out to old friends or family members that you may have drifted away from, and see if you can get close to them again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 1:18am
I know what your going through, trust me. Married for 6y, together for 13, and yes I described it the same way, like a big slap in the face. Most of the friends, I thought I had, were his friends to start with, and they can't wait to get him dating again. They always would ask me why I stayed with him, why I tried to work it out,that I should leave him, he was a jerk, and all along they were telling him the same thing,but about me, instead of maybe making him realize he was a jerk. I have to make all new friends,and trust is hard for me after all I have been through with him. It hurts, it's scary, but it gets better. I stay busy with my children, I work on myself, finding out what I want, because for the first time I can. I feel free, scared but free to make my own decisions without being critized. If I fall, I know I tried, but I know I will be fine, basically I have been doing this marriage alone anyway. Good Luck and Stay Strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:40am

I am so sorry. {{HUGS}}

You put it well. Some people, even most people, just want to pretend your life is running smoothly (despite the hell you are living in) because they can't offer you any thing of themselves in support or they actually need you to be the you you always have been.

You have articulated something I have experienced with many folks. I just didn't describe as well as you. Many of my friends, particularly one "close" one just go on as if nothing has changed, asking me to sit their kids, talking about slipcovers, their husbands, school, etc. If something comes up in a neutral way about my situation, they just ignore it--not kidding. I have struggled with this.

Otoh, I do have several friends who have totally been there for me and do listen. I am sorry you don't have that. It's all you really need is one or two -- they help you soldier on through the rest of you day and act like your world is stable rather than crumbling.

And actually, that is good -- if we act strong, we ultimately are strong.

I hope you find one or two folks, even if it is someone far away that you get support from on the phone, that can help support you.

Also, look for DivorceCare -- they have local support groups -- VERY helpful to be with other people going through what you are! Also, MeetUp might have a local single parents group. The one in my area has TONS of activities for single parents to do with their kids --again being in the company of folks in your situation might help!

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 3:27pm
Thanks. Good to know other people go through this too. I was feeling so sad the other day, but I do feel a little better now. I think this also makes you realize that when you're in a relationship, you do put other friendships on the back burner, whch isn't so great. But once you'r eout of one you need those relationships a lot more. Hopefully if nothing else this will be an opportunity to make new friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 5:02pm

Hi snowflakegirl,

I just wanted to send you a hug. I posted for the first time just now under the post "need some encouragement." Even though these boards are fairly anonymous, it's incredible to just read someone else's words and know exactly what they're going through. I'm not sure how old you are, but for me, the most difficult thing in addition to not having anyone here who truly understands the emotions in this, is not having much "life" before I met and married my H, so that I don't have anything to return to, so to speak, in the way of my identity. Who I am as an adult was in large part created with my H. So it's not just needing support from others, it's also about learning to support myself for the first time, and trusting that I have the skills and capabilities to do that!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are heard and understood and to keep your head up. Every day you wake up and do something good for yourself of your baby is a successful day in the life of you!

L2L

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 11:03pm
Hi L2L. I know exactly what you mean. I, too, feel like I have no identity to go back to. My life has almost always been based on the life of the man I've been with. In a way, it's nice to have a baby to care for while going through this, because now he is shaping my personality some more. Also, having him forces me to go out and do fun things with him, which I'm hoping will give me an opportunity to meet other people. It's just hard b/c most moms of 1 y/o's are happily married and thinking about baby #2, and not looking for close friendships with newly single friends. Not that I want to go party, just that I want someone who can be there, you know. ANyway, it's hard to try to figure out who I am, eal with the divorce, start a new job, and try to keep myself together for my son all at once. I'm sure we all have that balance now!