Trying to understand him, why do this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Trying to understand him, why do this...
10
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:37am

You know when you try to do a good thing they make you not want to. My son suffers horribly from allergies and cant be in carpeting. Ive supplied a dr's note for court and ex claimed I was lying about it, he has carpet at him home. For the last three weeks the baby's has been battling with itching all over and all I could assume is he was taking him to his house even though he shouldnt be. I even asked the gf about it and ofcourse she said no, as he wont talk to me except for stupidity.

Well I got a visit from the social worker last night, unexpected ofcourse. It was no problem. About 3wks ago or so ex visited the baby's school. The s.w. told me that he says there is carpet at the school, surprised I said no there isnt. I went to the school this morning to see what was up. I found out a month or so ago they put down a small area rug in the room. I gave them a copy of the dr's note and they said they will take it up and put down an alternative.

I pissed because for weeks the baby has been suffering with this and he knew how much trouble he was having and didnt tell me. This is your childs health. He tells the social worker and not me. What's wrong with him. Doesnt he care what happens to the baby. Ugh, Im so mad I could spit nails.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:50pm

Luv you guys are in a custody battle and he is going to use anything he can against you. He is trying to build a case that he has visited the school and knows what is going on more than you do. It sucks but the game is played this way a lot. He is waiting for you to make a mistake, which all parents do, and then he is going to pounce on it and try to make you look inept.

Just keep being a good mom and stay in touch with school and Dr's etc. Document as much as you can, and as impartially as you can every thing that happens with your son. Start a journal and start keeping track of his health from day to day, appts and any interaction with your ex. Do not slam him in it, do not try to make it look like he is harming the child, unless he is. Make it as fact filled and emotionally benign as you can. I have documented every phone call, every pick up and drop off and every note between DH and BM for over 4 years now. It has come in handy on numerous occasions and when wwe all sat down to talk I always brought it. One time BM asked DH why I am documenting everything and he told her that I work for an attorney and know the system. I truly think that documentation has saved us tons of money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 1:45pm

You are a godsend you know.

Im just glad the social worker told me because at least now that will hopefully give the baby the relief he needs. It just seems so selfish on my ex's part. Youre right, he probably was planning on trying to use that against me when we got back in court the end of this month. Now I will be prepared and can say I have already taken care of that issue. I have left a message for the baby's lawyer informing her of what occured and let the social worker know that I took care of it.

I bet he'll be surprised to know that Im aware of it now and have taken care of it. I guess he'll have to try to "catch me" on something else. What an idiot. I know he's trying to hurt me but he's really only hurting the baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 2:03pm

Actually, you should ask the social worker to ask HIM.... if he knew about the carpet.... and he knows that it's a health concern for his child.... why didn't HE take action and say something to the child care center ASAP?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:17pm

He is fully aware of the carpeting issue. So much so that he accused me of lying about it just because he has carpet at his house and thinks this fits into his whole " I dont want him to see his son" scheme. The social worker said he told her the school had carpet. So he knew full well about it and didnt say a word to me, or the school for that matter because when I went there this morning they were not aware of it. One of the supervisors said it was a new area rug only a month old. He's been there since September so I wasnt aware they had it as a bus picks him up in the mornings. So I never even thought it was an issue since there was none when he started.

cl-wildlucky4me, Im so angry at him for this. This is his own childs health and he should be just as concerned about it as I am. What's wrong with him? Geez. Right away when the s.w. told me I went there this morning to give them a copy of the dr's note about the allergies. He is aware of the note as well and should have notified me right away, especially since he knew the baby had been having trouble with the itching all over.

Damn. This is just wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:19pm

Red ,
on a positive note, he actually showed he cares about your son even in all the trouble he has caused. Regardless of the steps he took. Under all his anger he does care.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:32pm
lifesp,
deep down I have to believe he does care for him, hell he wouldnt be a father if he didnt, however, he let him suffer for three weeks knowing this was the case and didnt tell me. I was going crazy trying to figure out what could have cause the change in his allergies and was therefore thinking he had to be taking him to his house since he has carpet. Telling the s.w. fine but helloooooo, tell the school and especially tell me, this is about his health. If anything changed with his health, he's his dad, Im gonna tell him so he can be up to speed, he would need to be informed and he should have told me this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:56pm

In the future if the allergies start up check on every single enviroment he is being exposed to. Looking back on it, he has been at school a lot more than he has been with dad so it makes sense that the allergies have continued or worsened.

Luv just like he is looking at everything you are doing wrong you are looking for everything he messes up on too. Be glad that he went to the school and that he told the SW otherwise it could have gotten much worse. In a perfect situation he would have called you or told the school himself but you guys are not there yet. Don't let this be a huge setback just learn from it and move on. Hopefully this will proce to him that you are not making it up.

I would be mad at the school too, did you tell them when he 1st started there about the allergies?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 4:13pm

I told them about the allergies to the foods because they didnt have carpet when he started and I honestly didnt think they would get any.

Thanks for trying to point out the silver lining in the situation. Im just coming off the intial shock of the news and that's why I was so upset. Im letting out the steam little by little. At least now I have somewhere to start since I know now. Whew! Im still gonna send the pics though, at first I wasnt but Im a bit calmer so I still will.

Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 9:59pm

Red men typically don't see the things women do. Especially when it come to detail. Believe me I've seen what you've been going through,but it seems like he had a smidgin of an awakening. You being so upset about your son and him being accused and for once maybe he wasn't at fault decided to try and figure it out.

Most likely he didn't come up with the thought to go to the school on his own. A good possibility was that his GF suggested it and coming from her would not make him feel threatened hence in his small mind he thought he could one up you. So this is why I was saying that he must really deep down care for his sons well being. Unfortunately unless you spell it out or put it into action movie video these type of men just don't get the detail stuff.

My SO is a pretty smart guy but occasionally I have to spell things out to him.Yes he should have done all that you said,but maybe he also just found out and hasn't known for the three weeks the problems have been around. I am glad that everyone is now aware and you son can get some well deserved relief. I hope the your ex starts to take more steps toward the well being of the child and moves on without more greif to either party.

Good Luck,
K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 9:27am

I hear you. He doesnt even know I know, unless the s.w. called him and told him. I didnt call him to complain and Im not going to either. It would just add more fuel to the fire and I dont want to do that. I had actually told the lawyers that I wanted him to call the school to talk to the therapists about the baby's progress since he just wont communicate with me, at first I was scared that he showed up at the school b/c I am so nervous about him at times. He expresses such intense hostility towards me and has told my sis' bf if it's that last thing he does he's gonna get me. It's scary. So him actually going to the school worked out good b/c now I have this new info.

The only way for him to really hurt me is through the baby and I pray everyday he has the sense not to go that far. As crazy as it may sound you hear about it all the time, mother's and father's harming their children. Whew. He is the complete opposite of the man I fell in love with and wanted to have kids with. So alot of the uneasiness comes from that. As always I thank you and the rest of you for your input. It helps get things in perspective especially when your really upset in the beginning.