Turned off Feelings like a lightswitch
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| Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:18pm |
Hi everyone,
Me again. I'm in one of my "downswings" again... Drat I hate this.
I keep thinking "when will this be over" and I keep reminding myself that I was with him almost 10 years - I'm not going to get over him at the drop of a hat. Especially since here in Canada you have to be separated a year in order to file... I'm nine months into my limbo.
I guess what hurts as well is that he just flipped off his feelings as if he were turning off a lightswitch. He hasn't once called, or reached out. I did a lot at first, sending cards, e-mails, suggesting counselling even though I was the one who threw him out for repeated infidelity and neglect. I mean, if he neglected me while we were married, why would he be any different now? I just keep expecting that he will. I haven't talked to him in over six months. I send him an e-mail about every month or so. But I have no idea if he gets them. I have no idea where he is living. I don't know anything at all. He just up and walked away and disappeared as if the last ten years never existed. Occaisionally I bump into people who knew us as a couple but haven't heard the news, and it breaks my heart to tell them all over again. In three months, when I am able to file, I will have to have him served with the papers at work, because I don't know where he lives. If he still works there. Otherwise, I guess it's the newspaper, or i will have my lawyer contact his parents. I sure don't want to be the one to call them. If it were up to him, we would probably stay married forever because he wouldn't bother getting the divorce. It doesn't disrupt his life in any way, obviously. So I guess I will have to pay for it. Just like I paid for everything we ever did or had. Just like I am paying emotionally, now.
A big part of this was brought on because tomorrow I am leaving on a trip. My mom is not well, and she lives at the other end of Canada. I am flying down there and driving her stuff back across Canada because we can't afford a mover. I'll be driving about 5000 miles. So, I was filling out some "In Case of Emergency, Please Contact" forms, and it made me hurt that he won't even know or care that I am gone...
Thanks for listening to my whining.

It's not easy.... and especially when things do have to drag on in limbo; hence, the curse of the waiting period.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I know what you mean about switching off feelings. We're still living together, but work opposite schedules, so I'm usually asleep when he comes home from work. It's almost like he switches his feelings off and on. We also work at the same place. Yesterday, he came in to work early so I was still there. He was just waiting around doing his stuff for his shift to start. He hardly said 2 words to me as I was leaving. Today, he called me at work, then asked me if I'd go to the store with him during his dinner break, then called to tell me he wasn't getting break -- could I bring him food? (used to do that a lot when he still wanted to be with me.) I of course played right into it and picked him up dinner and took it to him. Then he called me again a few minutes ago. What gives? I know better than to read anything in to this because tomorrow, he'll switch off again. Wow, I write this out and it really sounds like he's just using me.
I hope your trip goes well and it ends up being more enjoyable than it looks right now. Be careful and let us know you get back! We care!
(I just looked at your info and see you have a cat. He/She counts! I count my 4 legged, hairy children!)
good luck with your trip.
Thanks again!
I think it's more my stupidity (and secret dream that I had been born a door mat?) than strength. But thanks!
- Ruth
You're not stupid Ruth, you're sweet and caring!
Melanie