uggh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
uggh!
5
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:12pm
I just posted in the "Married Girls Guide to Life" because I am still married but I think I need to get a divorce even though ideally I didn't want to. Does every man have a drive to be 1)controlling 2)angry 3)defensive when you try to solve problems 4)vengeful when he no longer sees you on being on "his side" (although it might be untrue and you just want to work on things?). Are there never any men around who are nurturing, balanced even-tempered without this sick need to be in control? I can't lie, that is what attracts many women to men. I can't lie about that. The strong, powerful man. But, is that all men know? Do men not know how to adapt to marriage and its environment? When I first married my husband, I though that he wasn't that type. Turns out, he's just as controlling as the next man, only he does it in indirect ways. What are all your thoughts on that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: smileylove
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 9:28am

smileylove...


Pianoguy wants to provide a few answers to your questions.......if that's okay???


1. Some men need to be controlling because they figure that if they aren't....a woman will "walk" all over them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: smileylove
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 4:45pm
Thank you so much for your response. At first I though I was going to be attacked, (but I wasn't), but then I saw that you were just putting your two cents in. It is great to get another mans' point of view. If I had more male friends in my married life, then I'd probably get a much better perspective, since many women can understand maybe how men think (thanks to "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus) but it's still different than actually feeling it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against men, I am just personally in a "not good" marriage. But your input was a breath of fresh air. Thank you. Women feel free to vent here, 'cause we never think there are any men around, but it's good that you don't seem to take this stuff personally on behalf of all men, lol. Again, thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: smileylove
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 8:14pm

well im going to throw in my two cents too, because i was in a similar situation.
and i wrote this once already but it was TOO darn long, so im going to make it shorter lol.
-i was in a marriage like that

-some men (not all)think control is PART of a marriage. attitudes about marriage and how we relate to a spouse are so deep-seated that sometimes we dont even realize we have them

-hes unlikely to change the way he interacts with you unless he WANTS to. even though my ex-h wanted to save the marriage he wasnt willing to accept that i am not the religious conservative wife that he thought i should be from looking at his mother in a marriage. theres a possibility hes not the husband you expected, too. if you think this is something you are both willing to work on it may be possible to work things out.

- if not i would say (and this is just my opinion) get out of there and quit being miserable. its going to sound strange but i am so happy being divorced! i never even realized how many years i spent unhappy until i separated from him and realized how much energy i was spending trying to hold on to the last little bit of control of my life that i still had. he was making me miserable. towards the end i felt so trapped i would have killed myself if i hadnt been able to leave. divorce is NOT easy, its the hardest thing a person goes through i believe. but its better then a miserable marriage.

-i am involved with a wonderful man who is..i cant think how to sum it up. he doesnt have a controlling bone in him, because he is very secure with himself. not arrogant you understand, but just very comfortable with himself. men (and women) who are self-confident dont feel a need to try to control others. we dont fight really because when we disagree theres no blaming the other, we just discuss it. the ironic thing is he is the strongest person i know emotionally, and very strong physically, but theres none of the control and blame and things like that with him. now that i am in a great relationship i cant believe i stayed unhappy so long. i would have done anything to work it out with my ex-h, for a long time after we separated i would have dropped everything and moved with him if he had just gone back to the nice guy he used to be before we married. but he wouldnt, so i had to leave for good.

just some thoughts to share with you. im not advocating divorce, but i am saying if you cant make your marriage happy a divorce is probably better in the long run. it sounds like a lot of anger has built up in your marriage, if nothing else you should probably try counseling and see if that can get you anywhere.
and like i said, there are GREAT men out there. i was lucky to meet one of them, and some of my male friends are excellent partners to their girlfriends or wives.
:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: smileylove
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 11:19pm
You are absolutely right! I spend most of my time avoiding him and when I do talk to him I try very hard not to step on any weak spots because I constantly feel like I am in the line of fire with him. Being sarcastic and condescending for him comes as naturally as breathing. But the more time I spend with him, the more I realize that he is so defensive because he cannot stand to be hurt or made wrong. I cannot remember the last time he complimented me. I feel at this point that this is abuse. I cannot spend my life dodging bullets around him. I am such a happy person in my natural state, and it's funny, sometimes I am around people and I'm just not as happy as I used to be. Little by little, he is controlling my moods because his mode is always defensive. Every time I say or do anything it seems to affect him so inadvertently I am always on the lookout for his moods. It does take a toll on you and I am sick and tired of being controlled by his way of thinking, because that's what it feel like. And I can't help feeling this is some sort of abuse. Thanks for letting me vent. The more I write about this, the more I feel that I must get out of this marriage or I am gonna go crazy! This freakin' lunatic is sucking me more and more into his vortex!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: smileylove
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 7:12pm
smiley
youre absolutely right, he reacts that way because he cannot be wrong. my ex-h was such a defensive, jealous, suspicious person. and i am friendly and laid back. and before anyone says 'why did you marry him then' its because he was like me before we married!
so anyway
like i said, divorce is hard, big time. if youre thinking about it you need to know it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. i couldnt even comprehend how hard it was going to be! but like i said it got to a point where i couldnt live like that. my ex-h was determined to be miserable, and i couldnt live like that. after i got over the shock and hurt of divorce i fully feel it is the best thing i ever did. i feel like i am finally able to be happy without someone being determined to make me as miserable as he chose to be.
just thoughts. only you can figure out whats right. i just really identify with what youre writing!
:)