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| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:12pm |
I just posted in the "Married Girls Guide to Life" because I am still married but I think I need to get a divorce even though ideally I didn't want to. Does every man have a drive to be 1)controlling 2)angry 3)defensive when you try to solve problems 4)vengeful when he no longer sees you on being on "his side" (although it might be untrue and you just want to work on things?). Are there never any men around who are nurturing, balanced even-tempered without this sick need to be in control? I can't lie, that is what attracts many women to men. I can't lie about that. The strong, powerful man. But, is that all men know? Do men not know how to adapt to marriage and its environment? When I first married my husband, I though that he wasn't that type. Turns out, he's just as controlling as the next man, only he does it in indirect ways. What are all your thoughts on that?

smileylove...
Pianoguy wants to provide a few answers to your questions.......if that's okay???
1. Some men need to be controlling because they figure that if they aren't....a woman will "walk" all over them.
well im going to throw in my two cents too, because i was in a similar situation.
and i wrote this once already but it was TOO darn long, so im going to make it shorter lol.
-i was in a marriage like that
-some men (not all)think control is PART of a marriage. attitudes about marriage and how we relate to a spouse are so deep-seated that sometimes we dont even realize we have them
-hes unlikely to change the way he interacts with you unless he WANTS to. even though my ex-h wanted to save the marriage he wasnt willing to accept that i am not the religious conservative wife that he thought i should be from looking at his mother in a marriage. theres a possibility hes not the husband you expected, too. if you think this is something you are both willing to work on it may be possible to work things out.
- if not i would say (and this is just my opinion) get out of there and quit being miserable. its going to sound strange but i am so happy being divorced! i never even realized how many years i spent unhappy until i separated from him and realized how much energy i was spending trying to hold on to the last little bit of control of my life that i still had. he was making me miserable. towards the end i felt so trapped i would have killed myself if i hadnt been able to leave. divorce is NOT easy, its the hardest thing a person goes through i believe. but its better then a miserable marriage.
-i am involved with a wonderful man who is..i cant think how to sum it up. he doesnt have a controlling bone in him, because he is very secure with himself. not arrogant you understand, but just very comfortable with himself. men (and women) who are self-confident dont feel a need to try to control others. we dont fight really because when we disagree theres no blaming the other, we just discuss it. the ironic thing is he is the strongest person i know emotionally, and very strong physically, but theres none of the control and blame and things like that with him. now that i am in a great relationship i cant believe i stayed unhappy so long. i would have done anything to work it out with my ex-h, for a long time after we separated i would have dropped everything and moved with him if he had just gone back to the nice guy he used to be before we married. but he wouldnt, so i had to leave for good.
just some thoughts to share with you. im not advocating divorce, but i am saying if you cant make your marriage happy a divorce is probably better in the long run. it sounds like a lot of anger has built up in your marriage, if nothing else you should probably try counseling and see if that can get you anywhere.
and like i said, there are GREAT men out there. i was lucky to meet one of them, and some of my male friends are excellent partners to their girlfriends or wives.
:)
youre absolutely right, he reacts that way because he cannot be wrong. my ex-h was such a defensive, jealous, suspicious person. and i am friendly and laid back. and before anyone says 'why did you marry him then' its because he was like me before we married!
so anyway
like i said, divorce is hard, big time. if youre thinking about it you need to know it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. i couldnt even comprehend how hard it was going to be! but like i said it got to a point where i couldnt live like that. my ex-h was determined to be miserable, and i couldnt live like that. after i got over the shock and hurt of divorce i fully feel it is the best thing i ever did. i feel like i am finally able to be happy without someone being determined to make me as miserable as he chose to be.
just thoughts. only you can figure out whats right. i just really identify with what youre writing!
:)