UGH.... (aka xh vent)

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Registered: 03-26-2003
UGH.... (aka xh vent)
22
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:10am

All in all this week hasn't been bad, but it started out very rough--My former in laws have been in FL for my ex husband’s wedding and Joey was really down on Tuesday about them being there and why couldn’t he go and why hadn’t his daddy come to see him in a long time (its been since May)… he had a rough day at school that day and a rougher night at home, finally calming down enough to tell me why he was upset.

I called a child psychologist the school recommended last week at my meeting with the teacher and the pre-K coordinator—he’s having a lot of issues at school, so we’re trying to change strategies. Now instead of a daily report, he has his day broken down into 12 sections and we are shooting for 6 of 12 at least every day—Tuesday, he didn’t even get 6… anyway, we have an appointment for November 14, to help him start dealing with some of the issues he has better…

Then, I check my bank account yesterday, and for the first time since July, I didn't have a child support payment--they've been coming every two weeks, just about the same time as my regular paycheck... Then xh decides to call Joey last night and talk, which is a good thing, until he mentions that he's calling now because he's going on a cruise (if you can pay for the cruise you can pay the back child support you owe) to the Caribbean (why do you want to go to the Carribbean Daddy? That's where the pirates are?) and that he won't be able to call for x number of days... I didn't speak to xh about this at all--this was just what I pieced together from Joey's comments and questions...

But I'm frustrated by it all, especially after Joey had the difficult day on Tuesday... but now I've vented and gotten that off my chest so I can go about my day... Hope you all have a great one!

Julie

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Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:44am

julie - i am sorry for all this. that guy really has no clue about anything, does he? one thing i am sure (yes, SURE) abot - from everything that you have told us about joey, i am sure that he will be ok. in fact - the fact that he has been having a rough time at school, is actually NOT a *bad* thing. it means that he isn't bottling everything up, he knows that he can talk to you about stuff. you are doing everything you can for him, you are realy on top of stuff.

hang in there...

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Registered: 08-17-2001
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:30am

I totally agree with sk! Joey acting up at school is, in a weird way, a good thing. Rosie bottles all her feelings up inside and is a perfect angel at school, getting straight A's (and working WAY harder than necessary....). She's been in therapy for 5 years now, and while it's helped her, I often wonder how she'd be if she just got really cranked off once in a while.

It ism however, hard to deal with. Keep remembering that you're doing a great job and Joey will know it soon enough. *hugs*

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 4:20pm

Thank you for the encouragement SK. It means a lot, because some days it is just so hard. My xil's asked for him to come over for the afternoon so they could go to a fall festival. I called a while ago and he was having a blast. It is nice to have the break this afternoon. It is a beautiful day here and I was able to get my nails done without feeling guilty!

*hugs*

Julie

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Sat, 10-28-2006 - 4:33pm

Thanks Calla... I appreciate your encouragement too... There are days when I truly don't know how I get through it--I still use the I can stand this for five minutes thing though to help... Its just hard when I can see the wheels turning in Joey's head--and to have him say the why can't I go? why wasn't I included? bit this week was just so hard. What is worse is that xh never sees it. I do keep my former il's informed though, just so they know exactly what I'm dealing with...

Julie

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Registered: 08-17-2001
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:45pm

Ugh, I know what you mean! XH and NW used to go on vacation alot (not so much since they've been separated *grin*) and he wouldn't tell the girls until they were already there..... then he'd call and say "I'm sitting right next to the ocean where we just went scuba diving!" and expect them to be excited for him.

When Joey gets older, you can just casually say "You'll have to ask him!" when those questions are directed to you. But as someone who does that alot, it also gets ond and tiring. I hate to tell you to suck it up, do it, and get used to it, because I CERTAINLY don't want to get used to it. But it is a good time to start teaching our kids that some adults make bad choices. My XH is FULL of bad choices!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

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Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:31pm

Hey Calla...

I completely get what you say... I don't want to get used to it either, but in some respects I know that the sooner I do, the better for my peace of mind, if you kwim...

As for asking me those questions, I all ready direct Joey back to his father. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to start making excuses. Last Sunday, there was a round of why can't I go? To which I responded, because you weren't invited... which lead to the why wasn't I invited, to which I responded, you'll have to ask your daddy that one, would you like to call him? Joey tried, but (shocker), he didn't answer the phone...

If he asks if his daddy can come visit, I tell him that it is fine with me, but he'll have to call his daddy because he would be making the trip and I don't know his work schedule... I all ready put a lot of that back onto him--I can't answer for him and don't honestly feel I should have to try to paint a picture that is rosier than it is as far as their relationship goes. I hate that Joey has this lesson to learn, but it is all part of growing up--I can remember a couple of lessons that sucked, but once I got it and accepted it, it was easier--of course, no one can help you with that... it happens in its own due course. I'm just trying to be there for Joey whenever I can and hug and love on him when he has a difficult day and night, like he did on Tuesday.

And as far as bad choices that adults make, we have all ready discussed this a little bit--not in the scope of relationships, but smoking. I am as anti-smoking as you can get--my grandmother smoked all her life and was on oxygen from the time I was Joey's age--in other words, I never got a chance to play with her, unless it was a card game or a board game, because she was hooked up to that oxygen machine. She passed away in 1994 and had less than 5% lung capacity left at that point. The day before she died, she said that she would do anything for one last cigarette... her struggle with it and the disease that she suffered from made quite an impression on me... so I've all ready had some smoking can make you sick talks with Joey. He will go up to total strangers and tell them that (which can be embarrassing, as it is their choice, but)... when he does, I do tell him that they are adults and they can make that choice for themselves and sometimes people don't make the best choices...

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:19pm

What a loser!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:16pm

Karen!

I didn't even see your post... oops! The way you read it was the way I took it... you know, he didn't bother bringing up the Disney part to me... I found that out through my xils... but for some reason, he chooses to let us in on the honeymoon... just is fishy. Well, other than he's jack and then there's nothing more to say...

I even forgot about the whole honeymoon and did my normal, is there anyone else you want to call after he got off the phone tonight, telling his Grammy (who normally comes for trick or treating) about his evening. She couldn't come tonight because she's come down with a touch of something and is just plain exhausted. When he said no, I asked if he wanted to call his daddy and his response was no... it is like Joey all ready knows who cares and who doesn't...

As for the counseling, I'm looking forward to it and hope that it helps Joey. We talk all the time here on the board about the benefits of counseling and I've been through it and know those benefits, but I am very optimistic about helping Joey... He had a really great day--got a Great Job note in one of his 12 area squares for the day... and when he called his Grammy, his PawPaw answered. Joey then asked, May I please speak to my Grammy? It sounded so grown up and so polite... tears flowed...

*hugs*

Julie

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:57pm

I'm telling you.... there is probably some anxiety about the whole thing with his dad, but mostly, I see a child who is blossoming with ideas and energy who is "misunderstood"--if I can use that term.... and maybe it's more that he misunderstands himself.... his line of thought is more advanced than his motor skills (which is very typical of this age anyway)... and so many times, especially teachers in classrooms who have strict curriculums to follow (and many judgmental eyes watching) don't extend enough opportunities for appropriate expressiveness.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 2:22pm

Actually, its interesting that I am reading your post... I got a phone call about 12 today that Joey was being sent home from school for biting one classmate and flat out slapping another. We've been having behavioral issues, as you know along the way, but I spent an hour in the principal's office (never done that before as student or parent), discussing things with teacher, principal and pre-K coordinator for the district.

I don't have the whole story about the biting yet, but apparently the slap came after Joey was getting a little rambuncious (sp?), so the teacher asked him what choice he could make right now, to continue to be a good boy... he responded that he needed to sit down at the table for a minute or two... she was pleased with his suggestion and told him that was a good idea... just a minute after he sat down, he slapped a little girl, right across the face!

I'm drained. Everyone agrees that he is full of drama (which he is) and noted that a lot of his behaviors were attention seeking. I give him all that I have, as does my Mom, and my former il's... but as my xmil pointed out, that's not whose attention he is seeking. Sometimes when Joey acts up, I will call xh and get him to speak with him. I am wondering if some of this bad behavior is an attempt to get me to call him, so that he'll speak with Joey, therefore getting that attention... That thought hit me today when I was talking with xmil about it all...

His behavior chart is being reformatted, to stress some areas that he is having difficulty with... keeping his hands to himself, not being a distraction in class and one other area. The teacher said that there are some children who don't like Joey because he doesn't listen when they tell him not to touch them... others who keep away from him because he'll knock over what they're working on, etc. I can see both issues, as he is very clingy and doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop and he can get crazy too... Anyway, I'm hoping this will help him get better, but I'm one frustrated momma today!

*hugs*

Julie

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