Ugh, the meeting was a disaster!
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| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 8:55am |
Well, after I had to excuse myself after the first 2 minutes of being in the same room as him, the meeting only continued to go downhill from there. The fact that he and his attorney were laughing every time me and my attorney walked back into the room wasn't the nicest feeling.
He HAS a ton of toys, bikes, boats, 4 wheelers...well, now, he wants to keep the truck to carry his 4 wheeler around and his attorney was actually defending him as such! I almost threw up! Here I am, trying to get one of the vehicles to cart my kids around that has no car payment, and of course, that's the truck. The car still has 6,8K owed on it!
SO, he had 9K left out of the 401K he took out to pay off all our bills. He paid off all HIS bills, two of mine and bought the 4 wheeler.
So they want to give me the car + 5K. My attorney suggested I put 3K down on the car (10 advance payments), get a new fridge and some heating oil. Well, after I didn't sleep and spent a good part of my night dwelling on this I came to this conclusion:
I have two outstanding debts, one for 5K to my aunt (for the attorney loan) and one for 1,3K to my girlfriend who paid for my well pump last Sept. when it broke! These were supposed to be paid off with that money he took out.
So in addition to those two bills not being paid off, when I refinance, I am going to have to take an additional 10K out to pay aunt and friend and almost 4K to pay off the rest of the car!
He has every credit card balance at zero. He leaving with all the toys and about 2K in his pocket to help him move out! I mean, he clears almost 5K a month! I don't even clear $2! What is wrong with this picture? How can this be fair?
I left a message for my attorney to call me now that I had some time to think about it and I'm basically going to tell him to take ALL the vehicles, my son and I can share his car and pay me 1/2 the value of all the toys. At least when I refinance I can get a little extra to pick up a beater car and pay off my two bills.
This is just a nightmare...how carefree and happy he seemed, how I sat there trying to get a car to cart kids around and he was being defended because he needs to get his 4 wheeler around. What is wrong with this picture? I know I am getting the house and my share of the equity, but the reason I agreed to that is so I don't have to uproute the kids.
Why does this seem so easy for him, even easy for the attorneys. I am sick over this! And what hurts the most, I probably just feel that what he has done to me could never be compensated enough...no price for all this pain.
Please keep me in your thoughts, I am so sick today!
Hugs,
Jennifer

Jennifer, I am so there with you. I had a meeting that did not turn out well. It's not quite the same as what you went through but let's just say his lawyer didn't give my lawyer the financial info needed until he walked in for the meeting. My lawyer tells me that I may not have to pay a cent for the house yet my husband wants $75k. Needless to say I felt I was being played. His lawyer talked to me like I was 2 years old. My stbxh was livid and after told me that if my sister hadn't called him to calm him down he was "out for blood" and "if he was going down I was going with him". Nice coming from the father of my two young children. I just can't believe how selfish people can be. If you ever find a way to get over the unfairness of it all please let me know. That's where I am stuck right now at how it seems nothing unfair is happening to him and he caused all this.
In any event, I apologize for highjacking your post but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I truly believe people this selfish will NEVER get it. We are better for not having them in our lives anymore (although with kids we will still have to see them). I also believe that these kinds of things happen for a reason and we are meant to learn a valuable lesson from them. It's just unfortunate we have to go through so much pain and hurt to discover how great we are and that we deserve so much better. We will be stronger after all this. The thing that keeps me going is "what goes around comes around". I don't wish ill on my stbxh but he could stand to use a little hurt here and there :).
Hang in there, you are definitely in my thoughts.
JJ,
Sounds like your meeting was very stressful...and calculated to put you further on the edge. Sorry it turned out like that, but it's a sad fact when you divorce, your once-loving spouse is now your enemy.
My first encouragement to you is to NOT settle for something less financially because it's so diffficult to deal with your STBX. Put your foot down and tell your lawyer to bare teeth and claws on your behalf. That's what you pay him/her for and there's no reason they shouldn't advocate vigorously for what is needed. Because the truth is, your STBX can sell his toys at any time for cash and spend it on something else. His kids are going to grow up and will continue to need attention and funds at least until their 18.
The other thing to remember is as much as your lawyer is to advocate for your position; his lawyer has an obligation to advocate vigorously for him. It doesn't matter if what he deems "fair" is absurd or riduculous. It's his lawyer's job to work for him. If you don't think your lawyer is being a good advocate for you, please tell him to kick it up a couple notches or get another lawyer.
Finally, I'd strongly suggest the next meeting you have be in neutral territory. It gave your STBX and his lawyer a psychological advantage to be in his lawyer's digs. Not fair to you and your lawyer should not have agreed to that.
Hang in there and remember not to give in just to get it over with.
Let us know how you are doing.\
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I have some thoughts about this in a roundabout way, but I'll start by telling 2 stories.
My sweetie and his XW used a mediator for their entire divorce. XW went into it wanting sweetie to take all the credit card debt, while she got all the equity from their home. WTH? The mediator said that it wasn't fair and equitable and what they finally came up with was that he gave her half the equity in the home MINUS half the debt. Because he was keeping all the debt, he couldn't afford to refinance to give her the total amount, so he gave her a lump sum and then the rest he's paying off as alimony. Bottom line is that the mediator was reasonable and fair!
My friend, S, retained the same lawyer (L) as my XH. This guy has a reputation of going to bat for fathers, and S wanted to make sure that her XH couldn't use him. Frankly, her agreement is awful. This lawyer never goes to bat for her. Her XH only wants to communicate by snail mail and L tells her to just deal with it. MY shark-of-a-lawyer would write a letter about how unreasonable that is and why. Her XH only allows their boys to talk to her during a 30 minute window and during that time they rarely answer the phone. There's no answering machine to leave a message and the boys are never allowed to call her. L tells her that it's her XH's right to not allow them to use the phone. WTF? I don't know an agreement anywhere that doesn't give "reasonable contact by phone" between children and parents. Bottom line is that L doesn't have the best interests of S and her boys at heart.
Is this because he's a "man's lawyer"? Is it because he's a BAD lawyer? I think that if your lawyer (you as in any of us) isn't going to bat for you, you need a new one! But no matter how many times I ask S "What has L done for you?" she gives me BS answers like "He keeps me grounded" which I take to mean, he BS's around the issue so that she feels bad about wanting what's fair and reasonable.
I'm on my second lawyer. The first one didn't even know I was divorced and then wouldn't return my calls when I had a serious need for her because my XH was selling the house and still owed me $$. So I got a consultation with the new-improved-shark-of-a-lawyer who got 3 of my 5 issues resolved within my 45 minute consultation. She's great and I'm very glad to have found her.
So, good for you for calling your attorney about this! Stand up for yourself!!!!!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
So don't agree to it.
All toys/vehicles etc are assets. If one of the vehicles still has debt why is it the only vehicle you are eligible to take. I wouldn't agree to that, I would take the vehicle that is debt free if he can't cart around his toys with it, oh freaking well. Too bad he can go out and buy a trailer. I would not agree to keep a car that would cause you to create more debt for yourself when especially if he was suppose to pay off all the bills and instead bought the 4-wheeler if he took the money out of the 401k to pay off the debt and instead paid off his bills, left so much debt still left to pay and instead bought a 4-wheeler than he should be required to sell the 4-wheeler to pay off the remaining debt or take that remaining debt on as his own since he's taking the asset that he used the money that was suppose to pay off the debt to buy an asset. Seems fair. He was suppose to use cash to pay off a debt but used it instead to buy an asset so if he gets to now keep that asset (the 4 wheeler) he should in turn keep the remaining debt that he didn't pay off with said money. Seems fair to me.
Nope I'd stick to my guns on the vehicle.
If your lawyer isn't being an advocate for you than I would tell him you need to be more agressive where my rights are concerned, they are walking all over me in there and your allowing it, do I need to give my money to someone else to represent me? And if so hire someone else.
Smile,
Deirdre
You hit the mark with your last sentence -- no price can pay for the pain and the pain inflicted on the children.
I say ... my stbx is purchasing his "happiness" at the price of his children's happiness." Never a fair exchange.
And here's mud in my eye -- I am paying for this gd divorce I don't want.
I hear you, sister!
M