Unbelievable... need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Unbelievable... need support
26
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 6:16pm

My STBX just announced to me that he has made plans to travel to a foreign country to spend 10 fun filled days and nights with the OW. Meanwhile, I get to stay here in the middle of the divorce mediation and take care of the children. I am incredibly hurt and offended that he is going on this trip at this point. He seems to think it is just fine that he gets to have 'personal time' and it isn't any of my business what he does with it. He is still living in our home. I know about the trip because he put it on the family calendar and I asked him what it was about.

Am I crazy to be upset? should I let it go? should I shred his passport so he can't go? shred the plane tickets he has told me will be arriving this week? (I really wouldn't do those last two but the thoughts had occurred to me).

Please tell me I am justified in being hurt. How am I going to watch him go out the door to her? I know we are getting divorced but this is all so fresh for me.

Please give me some support...
Hurtnlost

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 7:04pm

I am so sorry to hear the your H is causing you this kind of pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 7:39pm

Hello, hurtnlost


I am sorry you are dealing with this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 9:02pm

Hurt,


The awful truth in divorce is the person who leaves is usually much father along in the process of emotional separation.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 11:22am

You have every right to be furious. I would be LIVID. Right after announcing a divorce is not the time to go parading around the globe on a

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 12:09pm

Thanks to all for your support/comments.
The OW is actually from the other country (so he is not *taking* her so much as meeting her). Evidently they planned this little get together when they first hooked up 5 weeks or so ago.

I won't really shred his passport or tickets. It is just really confusing having him here in the house with me and I think that is the basis for a lot of the hurt. It has positives - he is around to help with the kids, he cooks dinner a few nights a week, he has good taste in wine (although I did come across a bottle from the OW country of origin hidden in his things - which I wasn't going through but he is staying in a public area of the house and I was legitimately searching for something else). He continues to hang out with me, talk with me, and we occasionally do other things together which I probably ought not be doing with him any longer.
I am just so confused (and hurt and lost). I hate the way I am feeling - I feel like there is this huge knot of pain in my stomach, like I am just going crazy. I could scream and scream and scream and I feel like it still won't leave me).
I am glad I have this board as a place to vent (I haven't wanted to call my friends and vent since it is a holiday weekend and I am sure they are all busy with other things). I see my counselor in a few days and hopefully that will help me too.

I just hate this.

Hurtnlost

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 7:15pm

It doesn't help to be living with the STBX.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1998
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 3:05am
Hi hurtnlost & ilagyja, I'm new here. I moved out of MY home on the 8th March :o(
I did consider us sharing our house but could not see how it would work, so I'm interested in reading your experiences.

 



Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 4:58am

It is very difficult to stay in the same house. The only reason I think I am able to manage it at all is because at the heart of it, I am a very rational oriented person. After feeling the feelings, I can usually put them aside and think logically about things. I don't want for us to spend the $$ on an apartment for him right now - there are other things (like trips, LOL) that we could be spending the money on. Divorce is expensive. I also like that he is around to help out with our children. We are going to have to have a business relationship together forever because of our kids. I have to find a way to deal with him (and my feelings) so that I can handle it.
for the most part, it has been fine living in the same house. Not easy but fine. We are still friends with one another (and probably do some other things more often than we ought).
If we didn't have kids - I would have left long ago. I think it would be easier to heal myself without him around all the time. So perhaps your choice was better than mine. However, I do have children and I am trying to make the best /logical/ choices I can for all of us right now.

Hurtnlost

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 5:04am

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Sometimes I think I am going crazy having so many mixed emotions. It makes me feel a little better to know someone else knows the way I am feeling. This whole trip coming up is making me just feel beside myself emotionally. I don't know why he can't see how hurtful he is being. To leave me in the middle of the divorce process to handle our children all alone (along with my grief) for 10 fun filled days and nights, is just too much. In front of him, I doing okay handling things but when I am alone - it is a different story. I have a level of anger that I have never felt before (along with feelings of sadness, loss, jealousy). I am trying to find a way to use the anger to my advantage, to move myself forward. However, right now I am really in the throes of it. Here it is so early in the morning and I can't even sleep.
I haven't been married as long as you have (about 10 years less) - I am so sorry that you are having to go through this as well. It is hard to give up that sense of companionship and the hopes of the future (which I think everyone plans out, at least in their own mind, to be with their spouse). It is such the death of a dream.

Take care, I have a feeling I will be posting a lot in the upcoming days/weeks as I deal with this trip and my own feelings.

Hurtnlost

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1998
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 5:45am
Hurtnlost I get on quite well with my dh too, & we do have children- 3 in fact. It does seem a terrible waste of money running 2 houses but I couldn't get my head around moving on with my life (& no there is no-one else involved) whilst I still lived with him.
And yes giving up the overseas holidays is hard!!!

 



Tracy

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