Unbelievable... need support
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| Sat, 03-22-2008 - 6:16pm |
My STBX just announced to me that he has made plans to travel to a foreign country to spend 10 fun filled days and nights with the OW. Meanwhile, I get to stay here in the middle of the divorce mediation and take care of the children. I am incredibly hurt and offended that he is going on this trip at this point. He seems to think it is just fine that he gets to have 'personal time' and it isn't any of my business what he does with it. He is still living in our home. I know about the trip because he put it on the family calendar and I asked him what it was about.
Am I crazy to be upset? should I let it go? should I shred his passport so he can't go? shred the plane tickets he has told me will be arriving this week? (I really wouldn't do those last two but the thoughts had occurred to me).
Please tell me I am justified in being hurt. How am I going to watch him go out the door to her? I know we are getting divorced but this is all so fresh for me.
Please give me some support...
Hurtnlost

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Agh - damn - we are so in the same boat - if you read my posts on this board about "not sure where else to vent" & a reply to the guy w/the boundary post, you'll totally see.
My husband & I are no longer under the same roof (however that may change eventually w/my financial situation & no real where to go :( but b/c we've still been hanging out etc. it does make it painful & upsetting. And yes, he has a "calendar" as well & he just happens to write all his trips down on when I just "happen" to be there.
The thing is, it's up to you how you react etc. I even took him to the airport ;O b/c he left me the car & free gas while he was gone for 7 days. However, yes, I know the exact emotions you are feeling. However I did play his game & when he got back & he had no idea where I had been all night after he came by the next am & saw my car wasn't there.
I'm sure he didn't get good sleep that night just as I didn't for the 7 days he was gone. Unfortunately when both people aren't 100% committed to working on their marriage & not turning outside it, then you somehow end up going through this torture w/each other. Of course it's only as much as you allow yourself to.
What's helping me put perspective on things is looking it more in a black & white way. Either we are happy, healthy and functional in a marriage (which we've never truly been) or we are not. If we are not, then we just aren't. & there's nothing that I can do about changing or controlling the situation. If he ever makes the decision one day to finally grow up, sit down, work out & on the problems we had & make the changes & committment that it requires to produce what we both deserve, then that's great - but it's highly unlikely. We also seem to have the timing issue - when one of us wants to work on things, the other has already moved on in some way? I would also like some more counseling around things as well before we would possibly ever reconcile.
Like you said, choose to focus more on the positives & what I do have in my life - even though that feels almost impossible at times!!
I know it's tough still living together. However w/the right attitude & perspective, you can make it work.
Good luck!! (((Hugs)))
Laurel
As he is the STBX, the credit cards have to be in both of your names.
For me, his moving out was what empowered me.
CL of
~ Aussie & Kiwi Mums ~
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Tracy
Dear Hurt:
Do you have a timetable for when your DH is expected to move out (I assume he will move)?
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I have come to the same conclusion - he needs to go. We can afford it (really I guess afford is a relative term) - we could make it happen. I plan to tell him tonight that he needs to go. I am not a saint and I won't be victimized by this situation. I am good and angry and need to stand up for myself, which is just what I intend to do. I won't do anything foolish (though I do like the idea of canceling the credit cards! LOL. In the end it would just make him angry with me and wouldn't help me any in the long run in terms of our negotiation process). I just need him to leave. It will be hard to give up sex with him but I am beginning to see that I need to do that too.
I hate this whole mess. My counselor was in shock when I shared this with him and he said in all of his many years of counseling he had never heard of such a terrible thing involving the other person during divorce.
Two things have made me feel a bit better about this situation:
1. I know he is wrong to do what he is doing. No question about it.
2. I am angry and refuse to be a victim to his negative behavior.
I really appreciate all of the support of this board. I am glad I am into the whole anger thing because it is what is really going to help propel me forward.
Thanks again,
Hurtnlost
Update on the trip:
He has decided to postpone the trip for one month to allow for our mediation to be complete. He will also be moving out of our home prior to leaving on his trip. I think this is a bit better and will allow me a bit more time to heal and get my brain/heart together before he leaves. It is still going to be difficult for me but this is somewhat more tolerable. I think he might actually end up moving out a lot sooner because I asked him to stay NC for as long as he is living here and now he says he might not be willing to do that any longer.
I hate all of this. Does it ever end? I can't believe the hurt feelings and anger I have had as of late. I just don't feel at all like myself.
~Hurtnlost
Hurtnlost -
I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know I know how you feel.
He seems so heartless in his behavior.
I completely agree with jksorry about getting all of the financial information together and filing ASAP. And, yes, use the credit card if you have to, to pay for the attorney's retainer. I did and it was the best thing I could have done. My stbx (it feels so good to write that) was LIVID that I'd done that and cancelled the credit card, but the payment went through. Even if I end up having to pay for that with my money from the equity in the house, it's still worth it to protect myself and have an experienced professional to give me advice.
I know it seems daunting to think about getting all of the paperwork together that the attorney will need, but once you start the process, it will roll along just fine. My stbx doesn't even know everything that I've already disclosed (but he will soon enough). He is trying to nickle-and-dime me to death, but I'm doing my best to be strong and I have my attorney to help me out - I really do need a guiding hand so I don't get bullied, feel sorry for him and give up what I am entitled to, etc.
I do understand all of the emotions you are going through and I am so very sorry for your pain. My stbx had an OW the first time we separated even though he said she was just a friend - I guess he thinks I was born yesterday!
One thing that I think helps a lot is to just keep smiling - they'll wonder what you're up to!
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