Uncoupling ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Uncoupling ...
9
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:19pm

We are in the early stages of divorce planning. My h first brought it up mid October and made his final decision in "marriage" counseling Dec. 11th. We are still in the same home since we have kids and wanted to get through the holidays and plan for their future.

Among the many new activities h has taken up over the past several months is going to watch his alma mater play football at a sports bar with his alumni club.

Once I knew about his desire to divorce I looked at those outings in a whole new light, iykwim.

Well, he went again tonight. The game ended around 8:30 and here it is 10:15 and he is not home ...

He has claimed there isn't someone else, but it is looking otherwise.

Just another confirmation that it really is over ... uncoupling ... sigh.

Thanks for listening.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: nymava
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:15pm
You know as painful as it was for me.......when I found out my stbx was spending on the average an hour a day on the phone with the married woman he use to see 29 yrs ago....that he had a daughter with that her other husband raised........
and when he told me he loved her more than any woman he ever could.......(ha he knew her 6 months )and she is still married.... anyway and he told me how special she is blah blah
Now that is uncoupling. he is still living here too until he goes to the next job
I cant stand the thought of him touching me though my heart has been ripped from me. I am getting stronger everyday.
I have suspected him before but never could catch him so I didnt have that proof that maybe this wasnt all my fault and now I know that even though he told me he loved me a few days before he found this .......person again.......not sure what to call her LOL
it helps in the uncoupling process believe me.
yes I consider some of this stuff as looking. ha he told me he has browsed yahoo personals for 3 yrs all the time telling me he loved me and making love to me.
oh c mon.
Can you go down there and see what is going on? or are you home with your children?
I think men think its ok if they have even said the word divorce to you they now think they can do anything they want.
It wont be easy but try to be strong and love yourself with all your might! take care of YOU..........sounds as if he has already abandoned you .......
you know as someone on this board said........consider it just another of lifes difficulties.........its part of life to have strife and changes. And when this happens there isnt much we can do about it.
I may have taken my H back if it had been a one night stand but when he stood there and told me he has always loved her more than me and that she is so special it sure helps in the uncoupling.
I hate the deception of what they may be doing more than anything. but cheaters will cheat and liars will lie.........
hang in there kiddo. lots of support on this board. I try to help but then find myself rambling on and on about my own pain. but its been at least a month since this all came down. He asked me why I still cry so much and he said I surely am over this by now?
haha haha.......they say it takes 2 yrs and he expects me to heal in a couple weeks
Today I am thinking ok..........what is happening is happening and they deserve each other. My daughter thinks he is in for a rude awakening. its ok to have a little revenge but dont let it hurt you or hinder your ability to make a new life for yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: nymava
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:17pm

Hang in there M. There may not be someone else - he just may be avoiding being at home right now. I don't know about your home but you could literally cut the tension with a knife in mine. Hopefully he'll walk in that door soon. I know that will put your mind at ease.
I know this is such a difficult time (I know we are both on the same timetable) but try to focus on making plans for yourself and your children. Try to find little distractions that bring you some comfort. I have been spending a lot of time talking to my friends and supportive people in my life (I do not have any family). That has brought me a great deal of strength particularly when I am feeling low.

((((((hugs)))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: nymava
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:07am

As much as I hated the OW in the first few months after my separation, I wound up thanking her (in my head of course) for taking him off my hands.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: nymava
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:07am

I am always glad to hear from others, even as they share their pain! And yours sure is painful!

Yep, I will truck on through.

Still, stunning to me he would do this to our children (4 and 6). Nobody wins with this divorce, not even him. And the kids and I will pay the highest price.

Thanks and I am thinking of you!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: nymava
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:15am

Thanks, Rose!

He says that after the game he went to Barnes and Noble (miles away from the sports bar) and spent over two hours there ... When I finally called his cell to check on him he says he was at 7-11.

He is spending lots of money, all on credit cards ... I think there may be a mental health issue here (as there has been in the past) and he is gonna be in deep financial trouble if he doesn't get a grip. So, from that perspective I am better done with him, but then I don't want him to be unable to provide a safe, clean place for the kids to visit either ...

I ramble ...

And yes, friends are a huge support. I am glad you and I both have that support irl. I start a divorce support group next week. Not sure it will be good (not impressed with the facilitator), but I just learned there is another at a very active Presbyterian church nearby so I will check that out. Hope you find one, too!

I hope my email in response to your post was helpful and not too whiney! I can't recommend that book enough (The Truth about Children and Divorce) -- practical and honest. I think my H may actually see the child psych. after reading the book.

Hugs to you!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
In reply to: nymava
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:38pm
yeh - a lawyer told me once that a majority of her cases w/men filing for divorce were one of two things...either they felt trapped & like they weren't sure of what they wanted (usually men younger than 30) or...yep, another woman...and she also said that many women would be nice about divorce etc., and assume that there wasn't anyone else...then of course 6mos later when they guy had remarried they were furious & wished they had "destroyed" them, lol...i'm not a vendictive person & so wouldn't care either way...i would just know that it wasn't meant to be & feel lucky that life was giving me a second chance of finding a better suited partner...


Edited 1/1/2007 2:45 pm ET by ivill_laurel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2006
In reply to: nymava
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:14pm
I told the OW to her face, Thank you so much for taking the lying cheating bast*** off my hands. She laughed and said he was so different with her! We'll see in a couple of years...perhaps they will be together forever...and it rips my heart apart that he couldn't love me enough not to cheat and it rips my heart apart whenever my child is with them...but we'll see....I know it is better to be without a liar...but financially...why is it always so difficult financially??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: nymava
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:35pm

What he does WITH her, he will do TO her.

My ex's wife (once the OW) does not trust him to the point where she will not let him out of her sight and that was even when he was seeing his kids growing up...she would never let him
be alone with his own kids. She or one of her kids had to be with him at all times. He
never cheated on her but he has not been out of her sight in almost 20 years.

His family says that if they are talking to him on his cell phone in the car and his wife
beeps in, he has to hang up on his family (who all live long distance) rather than not answer her call.

Of COURSE she doesn't trust him! He's a CHEATER!!! LOL. So she had the choice of watching him like a hawk or letting him stray. HILARIOUS.

He is her problem, not mine.

It IS hard with the kids, but they will see it for what it is. Mine did and found it all very distasteful and wrong.

Good luck to you!

Susan




"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."


GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: nymava
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:18pm

Oh, I am so sorry. I know that pain is likely for me down the line. I just hope whoever he ends up with is a decent person to my children. Gosh, even as I write that, I know that divorce is wrong except in certain cases -- children shouldn't have to deal with all this ... my heart goes out to you ...

M