Unlovable
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Unlovable
| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:48am |
I am on day 10 since he told me he does not love me in "that way." It's 12:45 am, and I am up bawling, as usual. Also as usual, I am wondering what it is about me that makes me unlovable, and what about her is so compelling that he would throw away nearly 9 years together? I am doing that awful "What's wrong with me?" game in which I am, inevitably, the loser. I can't seem to stop the flood of pain that comes with the memory of each mistake I've made. And then I look in the mirror and pick myself apart--my jiggly arms, the innertube of fat across my abdomen, the lines that have set up shop under my eyes in the past year or so. And then I do worse. I compare myself to her--finding anything negative about her (down to her bad choice of toenail polish)--and think "She's not better than me, is she?" But it always ends up with the same realization. It doesn't matter if I think she's as unattractive outside as she is inside. It doesn't matter if I think I could use a little work but am not THAT bad. All that matters is she is the woman he chose, and that I am--apparently and for some reason I can't quite pinpoint--unlovable and "not attractive" to him. She is the one who makes him "feel good" and "get butterfllies." This all feels so awful. I can't imagine feeling good ever again, much less getting butterflies.

Honey,
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Don't let his stupid mistake do this to you. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!
He is just imagining himself "in love" with her, so he thinks that she is perfect. She isn't perfect, and in fact, she probably has a lot more flaws than you do. I can think of one already, and I haven't even met her; she has low enough morals to be willing to "steal" your man.
The fault here is all his, not yours. Rather than dealing with whatever problems arose in your relationship, like an adult would, he has decided that it is easier to cut and run. This is his flaw not yours!
I know several adorable happy couples in their eighties. None of them get butterflies (those never last - any psychologist can tell him that), but all of them do commit to one another and work thru the problems that come up. None of them are looking for the next great thing.
I know that it doesn't seem like it now, but some time down the road, he will realize that she has all sorts of flaws. She won't give him butterflies either. And it won't just be her toenail polish. But by then, you won't need him anymore.
I've been there. During my divorce, I cried for hours. Many times, I didn't even know why. I didn't get a good night sleep for weeks, maybe months. I spent a year in a fog. I didn't know if I would ever get better. I didn't think that I would ever feel love like that again. I thought noone would ever want me.
I WAS WRONG. It does get better. You keep living, and breathing; you go to work. And in time you don't cry so much. You start to laugh a little. One day you realize that you are still here, and even tho you didn't think you would survive, you did. Something happens and you think, "it was so irritating the way he would do that". And you know that you are getting better.
And then another man comes along. Not right away, but he'll come. And you'll be ready.
You don't believe me now. I wouldn't have either. But you are a woman; you are strong. You are so much more than you can imagine. You will survive this!
We are here for you.
~Kristi
When we marry it is for better or worse etc. It is a commitment. Marriage and love require WORK, sacrifice, selflessness on occasion.
Sounds like your spouse is just another one of those folks who isn't willing to live up to his commitment. More interested in short-term, self-gratification.
We all make mistakes. We all contribute to the demise of our marriage, that is true. But, YOU didn't chose to chuck it all; you, I presume, were willing to continue working on it. So, it isn't about you--it is about him and selfishness.
Sorry for your pain and mine and that of so many others here.
M
Hugs to you!
After 10 years of marriage and a beautiful 2 yo daughter, my husband told me the same thing. He left me for her, said he loved her, said he didn't want a "conventional life or family" anymore. I was devastated. BUT, I carried on. He saw how happy I could be without him, and boy he was back in no time. About 5 weeks later, he was back on his knees begging.
It was been 8 months, he is still trying. But, now I am not so sure that I want him!
You will survive. Be strong. Don't beg or plead. Show him what a woman he is walking away from. If he comes back, YOU can decide whether you even want him. If you do, you will need a lot of help.
If he doesn't, you deserve better. And it will be long and hard, but you will be ok.
A real man knows that a relationship isn't about getting "butterflies" all over again, it's about a shared lifetime.
Take care of yourself, stay strong.
You will feel good again - and get butterflies and that wonderful feeling that comes from a deep and loving relationship.
As other posters have pointed out, he is not trading you for someone. He is going for what is easy rather than for a real realtionship which while they are deeper also require more work and committment (and that brings the real payoff). He is choosing shallow over substance.
The reason you can't pinpoint what is wrong with you is because there is NOTHING to find.
Please, don't torture yourself. This isn't about what you are not or what you don't have. It is about what he is unable to give and unable to appreciate. You deserve so much better than this and you will have it.