It sounds as though it's been a long time since you have had a real 'marriage.' Before you decide to divorce, I think you should consider counselling - either continuing with the marriage counselling, or perhaps even better for you would be individual counselling. It's possible that there is nothing left to be salvaged, but it could also be that you do still have feelings of love deep down that are right now being overshadowed by disappointment and resentment. If you take a little time to explore your feelings to be sure you know what it is you really want, then you can be more confident that the decision you make is the best one.
As for divorce 'ruining your children's lives', I disagree. If your marriage can't be improved so you're no longer miserable, I don't see how it's more beneficial for your children to have unhappy, bitter parents who are married in name only. If you are happy and fulfilled in your life, whether you're married or divorced, I think you have a lot more to offer your children.
I think there are plenty of people on this board that were in situations like yours. My situation wasn't exactly the same, but there was nothing horribly wrong in our marriage like abuse or anything like that. At the same time there was nothing right about our marriage either.
We had an amicable divorce, and although my ex-h was shocked that I would leave him, he admitted it was the right decision for both of us. Our dd just turned 5 and she is thriving becuase we put her interests first and we communicate and co-parent (we don't fight and make everything a big deal or put any of the burden on her). Sometimes she is sad that we don't all live together, but I'd rather her be sad about that than be sad about having a mommy who is miserable and a shell of her real self. If I had stayed I would not be able to be there or create the life for dd the way I can now.
That sounds like a reasonable plan, and it's good not to jump into a decision if you aren't sure. The people who say your children will be devastated, may be basing that on situations they have seen where the children were hurt. That does happen. But if two people are committed to co-parenting and can make a situation work in the best interests of the children, then the children will not be devastated. And the parents who make lives really hard on the children in divorce (even if it's just one parent making it hard) probably would not have saved the children much grief by staying together.
It sounds as though it's been a long time since you have had a real 'marriage.' Before you decide to divorce, I think you should consider counselling - either continuing with the marriage counselling, or perhaps even better for you would be individual counselling. It's possible that there is nothing left to be salvaged, but it could also be that you do still have feelings of love deep down that are right now being overshadowed by disappointment and resentment. If you take a little time to explore your feelings to be sure you know what it is you really want, then you can be more confident that the decision you make is the best one.
As for divorce 'ruining your children's lives', I disagree. If your marriage can't be improved so you're no longer miserable, I don't see how it's more beneficial for your children to have unhappy, bitter parents who are married in name only. If you are happy and fulfilled in your life, whether you're married or divorced, I think you have a lot more to offer your children.
-sang
I think there are plenty of people on this board that were in situations like yours. My situation wasn't exactly the same, but there was nothing horribly wrong in our marriage like abuse or anything like that. At the same time there was nothing right about our marriage either.
We had an amicable divorce, and although my ex-h was shocked that I would leave him, he admitted it was the right decision for both of us. Our dd just turned 5 and she is thriving becuase we put her interests first and we communicate and co-parent (we don't fight and make everything a big deal or put any of the burden on her). Sometimes she is sad that we don't all live together, but I'd rather her be sad about that than be sad about having a mommy who is miserable and a shell of her real self. If I had stayed I would not be able to be there or create the life for dd the way I can now.
Edited 7/19/2005 11:39 am ET ET by firstamendment
Sang and First-
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.