unwanted divorce??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
unwanted divorce??
6
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 8:06pm

Long story short-H & I were seperated 12 years ago for 2 years-I decided it was time to divorce--I was ready.He suggested we date & see how it went-I told him I could date the devil as long as he went home-it's living with you that there are issues. He moved back in 5 days later-my gut told me he was only there for the kids (2) We proceeded to buy a new home 9 years ago--things progressivly became worse-distance-we were living seperate lives under the same roof. He felt he was only there for the $ I felt I was here to be Merry Maids--alot of tension--resentment. He is unable to show love & affection & I know due to my fear of abandonment I did not allow him into me.We pretty much lived as roomates. I did have an A-he found a not I wrote claiming the only reason to return after a vacation I was on was for that person-yes-I admit my wrong-very wrong choice to go out of my marriage.
Issues now are this marriage issues were never resolved from years ago-never. His solution was to act of all was great-clean sweep he said. I now realize that should not of been done which in turn has caused why we are where we are now. He has been out of the house 4 months now & filed for div. the other day-I do not want this-I feel it is the cop out way-that NO fight was put up & it was allowed to die. He said he fears if he returned & we had problems it would be as it is now--he has no trust in me or our marriage. Another twist-he is dating the same woman he was seeing when he returned 10 years ago-I doubt she ever left-no proof-only a few calls to her cell before he moved but she is in real estate so he can use that as an excuse to of called her.

Is there any way / ideas to show someone they are really bailing the easy way-I told him it killed me the day he left-he asked why I didn't say something-how could I when he looked so damn happy??? I have tried to open myelf to him via e-mails-all my fears that I was never a priority to him etc..-we are now down to I am to only contact him via my attorney which I do not have. I truly do love this man-I asked him to ask himself why I never left & I was in a much better position financially 4 years ago than I am today & easily could of done so yet didn't. I want to fight to save this yet have no idea how to do so....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:35pm

hi ducky


I sent you an email,,i would suggest both of you go to marriage counseling ,,go as a couple and alos

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 6:18pm
Good Afternoon. I certainly understand where you are coming from!!! I was married almost 25 yrs when one night as we were watching tv I was told to leave. That was 2 yrs ago.I was devestated and still love this person, I have finally decided to take back my own power . Why should I give him the power to say where my life is going. Yes I would take him back , in a heartbeat, but now it would be on my terms. My self esteem was so low I went into a deep depression I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE. If that means being single then so be it. I have a good job I am independent for the first time in my life , I can come and go as I please so for now I am enjoying myself. I am very lonely needless to say, I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I don't think I will ever be able to give myself to someone that totally again.If I have no contact I seem do be okay but wew have three children together so I hear about him and what hes doing and the old feelings keep coming back to the surface. Someone told me once that the best revenge is to be happy without them so I push along one day at a time. It is very difficult I know and only god knows where my life is going. If it is meant to be we will get back together and if not then hopefully there is something far better in the future. So keep your chin up and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. Make your own life without your ex , be happy, and strong and who knows maybe that will be what attracts him back to you but please don't dwell on it , that only makes it worse.I am saying these things from experience and what I have learned over the past two years. Good Luck and God Bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:31am
Thank you for your words-I came home last eve. to the divorce papers-filed Monday-got here damn fast I'd say-they were already filed in the courts--I cannot believe the attorney moved so fast.It is tough to hear about him from my daughter more so than my son--she was very comforting last eve.-told me she & her brother know the truth.It as if I do not know this man -nor do I want to. I try talking calmly but as soon as he hears my voice it must set him off-he explodes & this is by man that is so laid back -he screams & I cry-I will not contact him again . I do know I can contest & intend on doing so as the settlement he proposed was a joke-I am amazed the lawyer filed it-my bet is the attorney sees a battle & $$ for him.Longer legal battle= more $$ to the attorney. Nothing at all was in there except a settlement on selling the house-period. This after 25 years. I am tired-emotionally drained-angry-many many things .
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:42am
I completely understand how you are feeling. My husband refuses to discuss anything, has ignored all my attempts for a settlement but has a new gf so why not divorce me. Our son got married on saturday and he was as sweet as sugar with the gf there with him. I fhe doesn't want me sign the divorce and let me go. I do not want a divorce but I can't be married by myself. I wll not be able to move on until the divorce is final. I still have a ray of hope. My daughter says he wants a soft place to fall if the new relationship falls through. I am still being controlled and I hate it. My advice is to fight for what you want and sue for your legal fees as well , maybe it will speed things up if he thinks it it going to cost him money. Good Luck and keep in touch, I want to know how you make out. If I can help just by listenng then I will be more than happy to do so. It is nice to tallk to people who know what you are feeling and are going theough the same stuff. Patsy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:10pm
Thank you for the kind words-I recieved the paperwork yesterday in the mail-he only filed on Monday-camn fast I'd say! The joke is either he is an idiot or his attorney is--all that was in the papers was a financial amount based on an appraisel 5 -6 years ago. It stated he intends on taking a home equity loan to get me the amount.There is at least $25,000 more equity than he quotes in the papers. There is NOTHNG at all in the papers about any money per month-I was married 25 years-no mention as to who is responsible for repairs until a settlement is reached-nothing.Who is the idiot here?? I laughed as I am retaining an attorney that will wipe him clean-& he will pay for this attorney as well. I am to believe he only wishes me the best--sure-in a shelter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:34pm
I really think that they see us as idiots. My husband thinks that after 25 yrs I am going to walk away with nothing. When He told me to leave I had no job and no money and our daughter moved with me. I have no money left in my retirment savings , that is what i lived on. I had lost my job due to the deep depression he caused. 6 mths after I left I broke down and asked him for money which he gave me. But not once did he call to see if we had money for rent or food. He had convinced me to sell our home the previous summer with promises of " now that we have no debt , and the kids are grown we can travel & enjoy ourselves knowing all along that he was not staying with me.It is so unbelievable that this person once loved me or so I thought. I have been lucky enough to get my old job back but that hardly covers expenses. He still won't sign any papers his lawyer is a jerk as well just ignores all letters from my lawyer. it is so frustrating. Oh and our son got married on the weekend and he was sweet as sugar, thank gods the gf ignored me or I might be in jail right now.He even got our daughter to take a picture of the 2 of us. HOW WEIRD!! I am very confused. Why won't he od anything about the divorce and why was he so nice to me with the gf there. If its over I want it over and if not get rid of the gf & start talking about thngs and get councelling. I have stopped dwelling on it and have put it in gods hands. What will be will be. Live today for today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.