Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Update
6
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 5:29pm

Hi Everyone. I haven't been on here for many weeks, but I said I would come back and give everyone an update on the reconciliation my "stbx" and I are working on. So far, so good...for the most part. We've had some concerns and trust issues, as well as some valid concerns about our future. But at least we're working on them, and the anger isn't there like before. Don't get me wrong....DH is still reluctant to communicate/share as much as I'd like, nor has he turned into the cleanliness freak I'd like, but I've learned that is him. I must accept him as he is (and vice versa) and learn to focus on the good things he does. I have been praising him and giving positive reinforcement as much as possible. It really does work! (Can you tell I'm an elementary teacher? haha)

Even though we're living together and making plans for the future, we still have a court date on July 21. I was kind of reluctant to cancel since I felt things weren't 100% yet. However, I think that date also sets up a negative feeling too. So I don't know whether to go ahead and cancel now, or wait til July 20th. Any thoughts? Dh says that he's committed here (although he's still concerned about our ultimate outcome) and has been working on the house and showing me more attention. We sit and talk (mostly mundane things), have a drink, go for drives, go out to eat, take a drive in the convertible, etc. It is nice. I just hope that it continues, and will work to ensure that we have a good future.

I do wish the best for all of you. This message board was so helpful! Jo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: takingalittlebreak
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 8:14am

I am so glad you came back early to check in! It souds like you're both making an effort. And like I said, in the end, you know you'll be OK, regardless of the outcome.


As for the court date, did you contact your attorney about postponing it? I believe in most states you can file a conciliation, which pushes the court date out about six months. That should give you enough time to see how things are going. And I hope they keep going well.




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: takingalittlebreak
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 9:12am
i am so happy to hear. i don't remembe the exact issues that you raised in your original post - but i am glad to hear that you are trying to work things out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: takingalittlebreak
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 9:21am

Jo....

PG thinks a lot can happen over the course of (nearly) 3 weeks...GOOD as well as BAD!

So what's the hurry?

Keep the court date intact until the 20th. You'll have a better idea how to proceed by then.

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
In reply to: takingalittlebreak
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 7:47pm
Thanks for advice and warm thoughts. We were seeking a dissolution (which takes 30-90 days after the filing date). July 20th is the last possible date, meaning 90 days from the original filing. I don't know if you can get a conciliation with a dissolution, but I'll check into it. As for Piano Guy, I think you're right. I will keep the date until the last possible moment. I hope for the best, but DH still is "moody" at times, and I think he's still depressed but won't admit it/seek help. He says that we aren't that compatible. However, one day it's great and the next day he's kind of distant. He's always been moody and non-communicative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: takingalittlebreak
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:48pm

I'm glad that things are going well.


In TN, you have up to a year from your original filing date to set a court date... that's the MAX until you have to start over if you decided not to finalize things.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
In reply to: takingalittlebreak
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:08am

Well, I hope I didn't speak too soon. DH still seems distracted/distant at times, and I think he's still depressed. He said two months ago that he'd go to the doctor whether we got back together or not. But, of course, he didn't because now he thinks he's "ok" and functioning fine. His business is very stressful and his right hand secretary is threatening to quit. Our marriage is shaky. THe kids cause more stress. Life in general. I don't think it's "me"...I think it's him and the way he handles stress and anxiety. He tends to shut down and avoid problems. He doesn't want to talk about our problems and my concerns. It's like that big elephant sitting in the living room, yet everyone just avoids him and pretends he isn't there. DH says he loves me and that he's "trying", yet he also says he doesn't feel the same emotional connection. He feels I should just let him be and see what happens. His attempt at "trying" is being here and working on the house, helping clean up after dinner, and giving me perfunctory pats/hugs sometimes. I feel a better connection won't occur through avoidance and not talking. Sometimes you have to "fake it til you make it". I believe just doing the actions (hugging, talking, showing affection..) sometimes brings about a more positive attitude. Anyway, I'm back to being worried and concerned here. I even told him that my actions
(worry, crying, stress) are caused by my feelings of not knowing what will happen with us. I want a total commitment and more affection/attention and he feels unable to give that right now. I haven't even said anything about the increased mess or anything he does that annoys me. Maybe he's incapable of giving me what I want and need. I thought he had changed and was ready to give 100% this time. :(

p.s. I called my attorney and he said with a dissolution, I'd have to refile after the 90 days I was initially given after the first filing. That's July 21 (our next court date). I can then refile later or if I won't, then DH can turn it into a divorce, using the legal separation agreement. I also found out that I have no claim to a house DH purchased (I signed off on rights to it). He's now selling it for over a 100k profit. Nice, huh?