Update ---

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Update ---
2
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 10:31am

Hi Rose and other sweet moma's!

I do have copies of the past four years tax returns we filed jointly; I don't have this years. His lawyer has helped him 'create' this supposed poverty level of living throughout the 11 months of our separation this far. He lives with his parents in their home and that is where the children go for his parenting time. The parents sold the house we lived in and leased to own from them for years, saying we didn't lease it, it was only rented to us. His retirement plan from the family business is now 'non extistant' - supposedly there never was one. His 'demotion' from a salaried manager to a $7.00 per hour worker came about because the business has 'suffered' as he has gone through the divorce process, and lost time at work, and also because after all, he says they were in the process the whole year long to move the business to another state.

He has excuses and reasonable-sounding explanations for everything, always. I have been posting short messages regarding the children,the new school schedule etc only on a court-specified web site. At first he claimed he would never sign up for it (the recent court ordered specified to do it within a certain period of time from the date of the order, and that other communication is allowed, but could not be IN LIEU OF.) A week later he did 'join it' --- but darn, there was some computer glitch and he just couldn't seem to make it work. Another week, and all of a sudden now there are 10 email/messages...two are about child pickup/dropoffs. The others are nasty, insulting. He addresses even the smallest things and twists my words. He said in one I was not giving him information about the mid week pick up time. He has had my email address blocked for at least two months.

It was one of his little control ideas...he emails me with his 'commands' regarding various things to do with the kids or about trying to get me to sign his 'custody offer', but the few times when I have tried to email him back, I get that Daemon return message saying my email was undeliverable to that address. He did this when he decided to get dental work done for the children. He told me the specialist he was taking them to, and sent me the bill for me to pay half. I was not 'allowed' to get a second opinion or suggest another dentist, and if I make any objection to things like that, it just sounds like I don't want the 'best care' for our children. I know the email addy I have for him is the right address, its the correct address, its been the same for years before even the divorce. In addition, one email in which I was to send him the childrens schedule he told me twice he didn't get it, so I went ahead and sent it again, then got an email from him which stated, "Got It". Yet, in the week after that when he sent me something and I sent a reply - that one came back undeliverable. This is just the smallest example of his need to be in control, and his seemingly compulsion to get 'me back for daring to file for divorce'.

He says on that family wizard website related to this example, "You are too possessed to know the truth. I do not have your email address blocked and I will have irrefutable evidence in the court custody trial to prove it. This family is praying for you to be delivered from the possession of vile spirits which keep you from being able to express the truth." He continues to say I am somehow into the 'occult' - unbelievable. His version of Christianity is very convenient for him; I hope he gets royalties some day for 'his' edition of the Bible. Somehow the Christianity I learned at an early age, the Lord who is savior, that Christianity I came to learn about reverberated with the message that Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. Stbx has ascended to a higher spiritual realm apparently.

His white knight image has been carried on so long, he just lives in his own universe and I worry that he is being fairly effective with it. I just try not to communicate at all except about the kids. I can't anyhow - he has played the game of keeping the kids coats at his house. One daughter had a jacket still here, and I bought a jacket for the other one at a thrift store. The two little guys only have sweatshirts. I am so upset at this. I know I have to find the wherewithal to provide duplicate stuff at my house; he has over 75% or more of our house furniture etc. and the childrens toys, bikes, clothes and stuff.

When the recent court order was worded so I would be able to have my 50% parenting time with them by specifying that we each have the children with us a week at a time, Fri to Fri, and with one after school until 7:30 pm mid week visit with the other parent; I never dreamed he would make the kids suffer in his trying to get back at me by keeping shoes or outer coats. He would not let the girls bring their little handsewn Waldorf style dollies I made for them two years ago which they normally sleep 'with' or at least carry back and forth and set up on their beds. The second exchange my 9 year old put it in her backpack and had it by the door; when I came to pick them up she was crying as she got in and I asked her why, and she said daddy had inspected each back pack, and taken her Joy doll out and told her I can't be trusted and no property would be leaving his and their grandparents house, that I had to give them what they need when they are with me.

He takes something true or partially true and twists it. I cannot communicate with him at all. Yes, if we are going to parent the children in a 50-50 arrangement, we will both be responsible to provide clothing etc, even toys at each residence. Most human parents going through a divorce, you know the ones who are of the same species...while there are some infantile disagreements about this subject; I think most would at least let the children have their outer coats or their shoes to go back and forth and the kids special 'lovies' --- because it is the children who are uncomfortable or suffering with those kind of games going on. I have a lady returning my call on Monday from the school district and we might be awarded a $75 gift card to a retail store, if so, then I will get coats for the 5 and 6 year old. The pettiness is unbelievable. Friday I went to the school at lunch and asked the teachers for the kids' jackets, as I was worried he would not send them back with them next week and I would have nothing to keep them warm. Winter is only beginning here, and our climate is not harsh. But try telling your five year old it isn't really that cold in the morning as you are taking him to school. They still need coats for early mornings or rainy days etc.

And stbx is carrying this kind of thing on simultaneously while sending me emails with links to the 5 bedroom home his parents are going to buy for them if I sign the custody of the little ones to him; the commercial building they have supposedly already bought for the family business, the private school nearby for our special needs sweety, links to the school district showing how great the education is there, how uncrowded the classrooms are, the level of crime is nil, and repeatedly telling me "Everything is over for us, but if you really love your children you will not keep this from them...give them the good life they so deserve, show your real love for your children by signing the papers before Christmas...let them and us go, go on with whatever it was you started last year...be divorced, but don't drag your kis into a latchkey horrible apartment, amidst gangs and all kinds of who know what people, with no gifts on holidays, and lucky if they have food most days." How will you get care for them on school holidays? What will you do to take care of them in the whole summer break if you can keep a job? Who is going to take care of our special needs child for any reasonable amount of money when he gets out of his day class each afternoon? The kindergardener gets out at mid day, how are you going to pay for childcare?"

I got two deposits into my paypal account from two fantastic, wonderful, compassionate moms here on the board to try to help us to pay the rent!! I don't have enough yet, but am so, so grateful for the generosity. I will spend it specifically on the rent or for the kids. I do not have enough to make rent. That is just the reality. I am trying to concentrate on these practical needs; I have no way to fight him on the legal front.
I got the kids ssn's in the mail, so maybe now I can go back to the social services office and get an allowance for food stamps. Will they take that amount out of the child support checks when they ever do start/if they ever do?

I have put in 22 applications so far in this week and a half since I lost my job. I got one call back; but no others yet. It takes time. It seems like I should be able to at least get a temp job through the holidays. I am trying to be hopeful. I have to have the rent by tomorrow. I have cleaned two friends houses, and babysat twice this week.

Yesterday was the exchange day for the little ones. I hugged them tightly knowing it is uncertain when I will see them again or in what situation. Once he finds out I no longer have the apartment when I try to go pick them up next time, he is not going to let me. And yes, I know I can call the police. But to what end? The children are going to freak out and be so scared; and then he will have his expensive lawyer whom his parents are paying for I guess, get a motion before the judge in 24 hours and say I am endangering the children or something like that because I am in an emergency shelter or a weekly motel. Actually all the weekly motels I have called so far, will not allow more than four total in the suites type of rooms...so probably after a few days of the kids coming and going, they will not allow us to stay there, don't know. I have friends whom can let us stay for a few days, but they both live in small apartments and have two children of their own; can't stay with them long with my five children.

Anyhow this is part of what he has been waiting for - its probably why his lawyer has gotten the hearings delayed so many times (final trial was supposed to be this past August). If I stay with friends, he will go to the judge and say they are not acceptable to him, he will require criminal background checks, and who knows what else trying to cause the judge to order the kids can't stay there or cause so much hassle to the friends I am staying with that they will not be comfortable in continuing to help us. I hate the idea of them going through that just for trying to let us stay a week or two.

I am sending out applications for as many gov jobs as I can find online in the local county that have openings. Since I am a vet, I get a few more points toward the application than others do. But those kind of positions take several interviews and tests and at least a couple of months usually before you are hired if you make it through the process. I have am putting app's in at coffee houses, grocery stores, restaurants - anything retail I can where I might be able to get hours between 9 am and 1 pm.; if I get a waitress job maybe the weeks when they are over at his place I could volunteer for double shifts or midshifts at another restaurant; something like that. I will spend today putting in more job apps.

The county agency for cs told me I would recieve my first cs check through their agency by the end of the month. If I could just get that, I would have almost enough to pay the rent. I have checked the mail each day though and nada. I called the office this week, could not speak to my assigned case worker, but the one who answered looked on the computer and said one check was processed and will get to me 'eventually.' I asked her if since the stbx has appealed and gotten a child support hearing set in December, if they would stop the checks while that was pending. She said no, they would continue (if he is paying them as he has been directed to) until such time as a new decision came on the date of the hearing. So, I am at the last minute of everything.

I try to think through the questions he fires at me, how will I get daycare for them in the summer? With no family, I don't have any help. What will I do when they get sick and I have to take so many days off of whatever job I can find? Right now I am trying to find any kind of job just to have food and gas money. I cannot realistically apply for any full time jobs, for I have no child care for the two youngest. The average rate for aftercare for the kindy is $100 a week; that is what I have gotten quoted from in home daycare providers around or near his elementary school for him to stay with them from 1:45 pm til around 5 or 5:30 pm. I do not know if my special needs child can go to a 'regular' sitter. It would just have to be tried and then see if she can handle him, and also how much more she would charge than $100 a week for him. He is high functioning, but still does have crying jags and does fixate on some activities etc. and its hard to calm him down if he gets upset; and that of course would be disturbing to the other children in the daycare.

I am trying to take one or two problems at a time and work on them. The kids are enrolled in the elementary school. Assessments have been set up to get the IEP for my autistic son. The two girls, who their father has tried to tell them that they are SEVERELY behind and if mommy put them in public school they were going to automatically be put back a full grade level --- the assessment from their teachers is what I surmised it to be, and I am so grateful that is the determination. They are each behind in one subject and there are a few areas which need practice for them to get a little faster in, but they are being placed in an afterschool tutoring program for math for the 4th grader, and reading for the 3rd grader, and both teachers surmise they will be able to catch up in those subjects before the academic year is over and will be able to go on to the next grade level next year.

The moms here have been so encouraging and I have needed to hear ideas like what you have shared with me. Curiously I have yet to hear one mother answer me and say, "I know you love the children, but you need to look at this logically; he can provide for them, you just cannot at this time." That horrible little voice of his that still pops up in my mind sometimes, is telling me that even though I love them with all my heart, I am being selfish in not wanting to 'let go of them'. That I should let them go and be provided for; even if it is with his controlling parents and him; that I can try to get on my feet, pay off the cc's, the lawyer, and pay him cs and as I get better jobs and make more money over the years, I can try at least to get back more visitation if I move to near where they are...or any number of options. That would be looking at this in a healthy way - to put their best interests first. Here I am fighting for all I can to try and keep my little ones with their momma, and yes, my love for them is very important, but if I cannot take care of them, if I end up having to go to some agency and say I am on the street, I have no way to take care of my little ones...please help. They will call him and he will get them anyway, and they will have the horrible memories of what I 'put them through' which he and his family will forever tell them was selfish and horrible of me to do to them.

Well, enough pity party stuff. I am going to get ready and go put applications in. I will find something this weekend, I must, I can. Thanks for letting me explain things. It helps to get it written down, and sometimes to get the occasional reply or message as there are insights others can give which you can't see when you are in the middle of a storm. Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: flalass
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 8:13pm

Keep a list of places that you submit applications and what the follow-up on your part is and the results.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: flalass
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:27am

Annah--

You are such an inspiration.....just keep trying that is all you can do. I am sure that part of the reason that his "voice" still plays in your head is because you heard it for so long while married to him. These are your children and they love you and you have value in their lives, regardless of what your zip code is. Bring up to the judge how he is hurting the children in order to punish you for leaving, they do not look too kindly on that sort of stuff.

I would go and get a 1 bedroom apartment if that is all you have money for, that has got to be better than a shelter. Point out to the judge that if ex would just pay his CS then housing would not even be an issue.

Gals lets help her keep a roof over their heads just until the January hearing!!!! The paypal acct she has set up is starrlass@sbcglobal.net

Sorry Annah if this is too pushy on my part but I refuse to believe that these tactics to force you to give up the fight are going to work.