update (long)
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| Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:15am |
Hey there. Been lurking for a bit. Thought I would give an update of the situation. My 8 1/2 yo daughter, Lauren, has been having an increasingly difficult time since the Christmas break. I have been trying to get her into counseling, but so far have been unable to because of money issues--I'm broke. Because of the cost, I had to drop her from my medical coverage (ex still has her on his). Unfortunately, he has not provided me with an insurance card for her yet. He's supposed to send one o me through our attorneys.
Right now the main problem is that Lauren apologizes for each and every small thing that happens--whether or not it was her fault. She is paranoid about doing something wrong (or not doing everything exactly perfect). She is also repeatedly saying negative things about herself. The therapist told me to begin a "stinky box." Any negative thought she had was put in there. She has 15 minutes a day to be as negative as she wants, but any other time the Stinky Box gets used. She was punching herself until we reiterated to her that it WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE under any circumstances. We gave her alternate ways to deal with her frustrations. She told my mom the other day that the SM/OW has told her in the past that if she gets in trouble, she's going to tell EVERYONE in their family what she did. Spoke with her counselor and she said that could be a major factor. The X does not want Lauren to be seeing this particular counselor so he's refusing to pay and/or provide insurance cards for billing.
I keep a copy of all emails sent back and forth between us so I took a copy of the string of emails where he said he was not willing to pay for it into my atty's office. He kept it for future reference. She is also going through some extreme separation anxiety so I've decided it's time for some action. Lauren has recently decided she wants to drop out of Brownies (She previously loved it!). She has not wanted to do any activities that I would not be able to attend. I spoke with the leader and she said that she had noticed a change in her since Christmas break. I also spoke with her teacher and she said that she has noticed a huge difference in her as well.
Mentioned again the idea of court ordered therapy to my atty along with the conv. with the teacher and gs leader. He told me that if I got letters from them in regards to this, we would have a very good chance. I took those letters to him today. After reading them, he says that the letters were great. It's not good that Lauren has to go through this, but it is good that with those letters, she will hopefully get help to deal with all of this. He is going to send a letter to the gal, but in the meantime has asked me to get the notes from the counselor for the gal and himself to look over. It's not going to look good for my ex when everything comes out.
We signed an modification to the divorce decree back at the end of Nov. raising cs from $262 a month to $655--haven't received any of the new amount although I am receiving the old one on time. Despite the recommendation from his atty, he still has not provided me with the back support that will be owed to me when this takes effect.
I also found out today that the X and SM are fightin a lot(yelling, etc)--they just got married this past May. I don't want my daughter to have to go through it all again, but I would consider it to be oh so sweet justice to have the OW's "perfect" relationship with my X split up. I know I'm being vindictive. I truly believe that you reap what you sew so I'm waiting patiently for him to get his. When (not if) it happens, I will be there every step of the way to support my daughter, but I will also be enjoying watching the witch rip my X in court. He will get a taste of his own medicine
Right now, I'm just biding my time until we go back to court (March 5). I'm quite certain that things will go my way. I'm trying day by day to take the high road and not stoop to their pettiness. I will keep you updated--she's with him this weekend :S.
Later,
Becka

Oh, Becca...my heart just aches reading your post. Ideas that sprang to mind while reading:
- call your daughters guidance counselor at school (I did and found she had already spoken to my son on two occasions. They are going to be having lunch dates together with one or two other children who are going through divorce). My son is 8 BTW. Anyway, its totally free and the counselor is great because, your child already knows him or her so, there is less relationship/trust building to be done (my son already had separation issues that have become worse).
- tell your daughter she must continue brownies through the end of the year (send her to daycamp this summer if possible, also) but, maybe compromise by saying she can choose if she wants to continue brownies next year. This way you are giving her choices. Tell her you would be allowing he to be a quitter if you let her drop out in the middle. My son wanted to quit cubscouts but, I have made him continue...I stay at the meeting with my younger son, we go in the basement and play x-box. He is happy knowing I am nearby.
- I'm not sure if it the right approach or not but, when I see my son acting out and I really feel like its a new behavior that is linked to "our family changing" as I state it, I call him on it, tell him it won't work and he'd better cut it out...then I ruffle his hair or give him a hug to try to lighten the moment.
Um, thats all I've got right now. I wish you and your darling little girl the very, very best.
I think that the counselor at school is a great idea. My girls talked to the counselor and they seem to feel a little better. My 3 year old boy on the other hand is a totally different story, He is having a awful time but I am just trying to be consistent and let him know that even if daddy isnt here I am. I have a great extended family and my dad has really stepped up to be their father figure. He does see them but they still really miss him. Just continue to let her know that you love her and that even though you and daddy dont love each other anymore that doesnt change his or your love for her.
HOpe this helps
Mary