Update - Not no Friend of the Court of

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Update - Not no Friend of the Court of
1
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 6:21pm

OF MINE!!! Well after receiving their letter to expedite the refund/credit to X for having our daughter for 13 overnights and I had to verfiy dates. I received the letter from this dumb a** Friend of the Court last Thursday (when I thought it was a correspondence of what happened to X at court for contempt of court for non payment of child support)and it was this letter asking me to hurry up and answer to give him the refund/credit. They won't do anything about hurry him up to pay his child support but I better hurry up and answer them to credit him.

Which I faxed to their office on Friday morning. I also stated that it was only 13 overnights and not 14 and the dates were not the dates that he had given and that I was waiting for correspondence of the outcome of his court date and child support. I also put in the letter that I had answered their letter within (7) seven days and would appreciate them to do the same in answering my letter with questions to expedite monies owed to our DD for child support.

1. Wanted to know if they give X the refund of money when he still has over $1500 in arrerrages of child support, wouldn't they just take it off what he owes?

2. Please let me know if he is continuing to be montiored for non payment of child support and how long do they monitor before they act on his non payment.

So I get this response today:

THIS IS THE FINAL RESOLUTION TO THE ABATEMENT REQUEST SUBMITTED BY "x" FOR 14 OVERNIGHTS. THE PARTIES DO NOT AGREE ON THE DATES BUT THEY BOTH AGREE HIS ABATEMENT SHOULD BE FOR 14 OVERNIGHTS.

"X" WILL RECEIVE A CREDIT/REFUND IN THE AMOUNT OF $87.45 FOR 14 OVERNIGHTS.

SINCERELY,

FRIEND OF THE COURT

OK SO WHERE ARE MY ANSWERS??? I HATE THIS SYSTEM I HATE THEM!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:27pm

Hello felicia -

I feel your frustration ... I wish I could send you a hug. I know what it feels like to be up against the wall of problems with seemingly no answers in sight. Take a deep breath. There are answers for us, just not what we think that should be being done. We must, must, must find a way to go on, for ourselves, for our little ones and make a life some dang way without depending on the monetary support from them. If it ever comes, or if they ever, ever get some consequence of them not doing what the system said they were supposed to, then that will be just. In the meantime here is what we have: needs, still no money from the former spouses, needs, needs, needs, and bad health from the anger or fear we are allowing to fill our lives. For the longest time I have been so fearful, worried constantly, to the point of illness.

I still do not have the answers the kids and I 'should' rightfully have...but I also still DO have the same and more needs. Guess what? There are answers...and I am finally seeing I better accept the different answers rather than fixating on either 1) justice of some kind, or 2)continuing to be a victim. I am a victim, but that isn't going to change until I can make it so. He made me so miserable I could not even stay in the marriage one day longer for my childrens' sake. Now its possible because I have no money, and no relatives like he does, I literally might lose my sweet little ones in the Custody Trial. Most of my friends say that just can't happen; but it depends on the judge. 5 beautiful children, two parents in a high conflict divorce, mother has no family at all, been a stay at home mom for over 12 years, a good but low-paying job; No drugs, no alcohol or any dependencies or addictions with either parent. Father is manager of family owned business with his parents who are nearby and very good with the children; also has extended family as well. Financially stable. Mother has no lawyer. Father has $350 an hour lawyer... reams of 'supposed' documentation that mother is 'emotional' and financially doesn't know how to take care of herself or the children. So now, what is that judge going to decide? I don't know much about gambling, but this is like throwing dice. I can wait and let the judge decide and who knows what he will do, or I could sign ex's wonderful custody 'offer', the one where he says I can just go away, he will not ask for cs (I think both parents should be financially responsible for the children, whether its the mom or dad that gets custody; and I have offered 50-50 parenting because I want the children to have as much of him in their life as possible...the more love they have the better from both parents.) So I could just sign his papers which would 'allow' me to 'visit' the kids AT HIS HOUSE, in another state, stay in a guest room there, never would the kids get to fly to my home or come to me, in fact I could not drive them anywhere during the visitation outside of his city limits.... So I am trying to make it til the final court date. Maybe if the judge does give the children to him because he can provide for them better, at least I pray to get extended summer visitation and some holidays etc. I promised my little ones I would not 'give up' until the final court date a long time ago. It would have been so easy, because he has been so horrid to me but I will not stop until I have to.

I am still not totally 'free' of him; but I have some freedom. Our life is NOT what I projected/planned/had friends tell me over and over that would happen...I am so alone --- but HE IS NOT HERE PUTTING ME DOWN, spreading his negativity to the children, modeling to them horrid ways that men treat women, being Lord of the Manor without the underlying foundation of love which is supposed to go with that whole fictionalized way of life, screaming at the t.v., ignoring us, demanding his husbandly 'rights' after spending hours on the computer looking at cyber babes whom in real life of course wouldn't give him the time of day, with holding love and caring from the children and I if we didn't 'earn' his love that day or week,....bet I don't need to go on do I? I know your version of this part may be forty times worse than what I went through. I still am not getting any of the answers I thought 9 months ago would be resolved by now.

The world is turned upside down; I feel guilty for my precious little ones being hurt and tossed to and fro...we literally are headed in three weeks probably for a shelter. My old truck is dying, I will not have money even for gas to my job and will have to start taking the bus. I am scared, everything in the world is scary to me because I can't provide for my kids ...if it were just me, I could think of a hundred things I could do to make it, its different when you have little ones though huh? Even so, I have a tiny, tiny core inside me that is chanting...the Big Guy loves those children, He has you and them and even that itjit spouse in His hands, no matter how much you screw up...its going to be okay. Different. A few more mountains to climb, but believe and look for the new doors which will open...make it through this SOMEHOW...and don't keep depending on the one whom you couldn't trust anyhow --- if he ever changes, so be it, but right now do what you have to do, or do without what you have to until you find some way to get on your feet, some combination of government programs, working multiple jobs, living in a shelter, going to food banks, storing or throwing away most of what you own (thats just 'stuff' anyway and can be replaced later...there are some things precious to my children I am trying to find a place to put at, but we can pare down a lot still.) This all makes the children very insecure and adds to their overall pain, but I am doing the very best I can...and he could make a total, complete difference, but he won't. His desire to 'win', and to 'erase' me is much stronger than his love for our children - he doesn't 'believe in psychology' --- he won't believe that all of this is/could be hurting them long term. He just wants what he wants, when he wants it --- just a larger scale version of the exact same behavior when we were married.

So...buck up girlie, you CAN do it, we HAVE to find a way to make it WITHOUT them; they made us miserable, they hurt us, they made us mad, they were no good for us...its no different now if they ever do send money or whatever else it is you think you need, use it then, or put it in a special account for your children for later. Should they help financially? Well, the obvious answer is yes. Its part of their power though hon; so unless or until they believe that money is important for their children, its probably not going to happen. Please feel free to send me a "Are You Being Strong" email anytime and remind me I have to keep on keeping on too.

You know I have often thought during this last year that I wish so much I could meet another mom going through a divorce to become friends with and to help each other with things. I haven't, cause its difficult to make new friends when your life is falling apart -- but the idea sounds grand! Blessings, Annah